


Distance.

by chiyokintou



Category: Naruto
Genre: BL, M/M, NaruSasu - Freeform, SasuNaru - Freeform, SasuNaruSasu - Freeform, boylove, bxb - Freeform, narusasunaru, naruto - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-30
Updated: 2015-01-08
Packaged: 2018-01-27 14:56:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 21
Words: 53,699
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1714679
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chiyokintou/pseuds/chiyokintou
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Naruto and sasuke have been best friends for a long time but as naruto slowly falls in love with his best friend the distance that they had once closed only seems to grow.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. cold.

My relation with him. 

It's like he's the sun, unaware of how we need him to survive.  

Yes, it takes us a while too, to realize that we need him, to really appreciate him for being there.  

My lust is like the lust of humanity when looking at the stars. To know every detail of something complicated like the universe. The universe too, is absolutely unaware of our lust. 

My desperate thoughts are like the screams and begs of ants, they will never be heard. Even though, like very one else, I would try to deny it, I sometimes seemed like an ant compared to the one I loved. 

He was the universe, the sun, the rain. Everything not only I, but everyone needs. 

 

"Naruto"I looked at sasuke.He seemed so calm. He had subtile bags under his eyes. They were the perfect amount. It made him look even better, as silly as it might sound.  

His voice was stern. So sure of himself. Everything he said could have been rehearsed written by a famous screen writer. Never did he make a mistake. Even the way he moved seemed.. the right amount. 

"I'm dropping out of college" 

My heart stopped. 

Why?

He was leaving me. 

He told me that we were going to fucking do this together. 

Or, or was that all in the moment to, just like wanting me?

I wanted him to stay here in this crappy apartment. I wanted him to hear me when I was throwing with my stuff again and I wanted him to kiss me like he did, while telling me that we were nothing but friends. How could we stay the same if he wasn't here?

"You're going to do what?"I stayed calm, credit for me. 

He didn't even look up from his laptop "My father told me it was a good time to start learning at our business, he says I won't need to finish college or university, that the best way of learning is by doing"  

So it was about his father again."That's stupid!What if you're family business breaks down? Than you have no place to go!" 

He chuckled devilishly, sarcastic "Please Naruto, you know as well as I do that my family business stands firm like a mountain" 

I was rilling with anger and fear of loosing him. His offensive eyes were not focussed on my face anymore, but now back at his laptop.

"You can't do this! You are going to ruin your life! In a few years you'll be married and work all day and then you'll wonder if you ever knew anything else!" 

Sasuke sipped his coffee, a monotone expession while my heart was racing.."Naruto please calm down, I know what I'm doing" 

My heart stopped. I was so mad. It was as if my brain stopped working. I knew what kind of ugly things I could say when mad. None that I meant. But it was risky now. 

"Yeah so do I!You are leaving while saying 'bye naruto, was nice knowing you, please don't tell my wife with kids I ever had sex with men, by the way good luck finding a new best friend while I'm busy running a millionaire business and screwing expensive whores in my expensive car' !" he sighed and put his stuff away. Finally focussing his attention on me. I knew I loved him too much to stay mad. He didn't love me enough to even look at me properly. 

"I'm going to work, I'm not leaving you as my friend and I'm not marrying anyone yet"  

"You will soon, and something tells me it won't be me"  

He snorted. "Everything is about you, always, I told you I don't see you like that so no it won't be you, it will probably be someone hard working, someone people will respect and that will actually do things that are useful"

That hit like a rock falling from the sky. It broke me. "I'm not useful? Of course, yeah I've never been anything to anyone! I'm not working for what I want at all! Fuck sasuke, I knew you were an asshole but his?" 

"Try to sound a little less like a teenage girl naruto, just because we agreed to do it sometimes doesn't mean you can start talking like an obsessed girlfriend. Who are you, sakura?" 

"Get out!"  

"This is my house too"He sat back down. 

 

I swept all the stuff our kitchen table. "Get the fuck out!" 

He just looked over his laptop, then looked back at his work.I threw with everything I could find. He didn't even try to stop me. He would just replace it. Hoping that this materialism could calm me, and let him keep his pride. "Sasuke, fucking-"He didn't look. My heart was so upset. I loved him so much. I watched his eyes glare at the screen, his fingers push the keyboard over and over again. As if I meant nothing. As if the words I said were nothing. As if my screams were far away for him. He could just turn down the volume of my voice. 

 

_My screams are the screams of antsto him now._

 

I walked up to him.Threw his laptop on the floor as hard as I could."Look at me!" 

He stood up. Yelled at me. Cursed about his work being gone if his computer broke.I wanted to cry. In my rage of anger I wanted to kill him, I wanted to kiss him too. I wanted to tenderly show him how much I loved him, knowing I couldn't I kept screaming and slamming things. 

"Don't worry, you won't need it in your new perfect life, It won't even be a memory to me as something new takes it's place once again!" 

He glared at me. Finally. Stood up, pushed me against the wall. "I'm not the unreasonable one naruto" 

"At least I have feelings" I whispered looking at him sternly. 

I felt him let go of me slowly. 

Turn his back to me. 

"But you're the one getting hurt, not me"He stated, as he walked out of the door. 

My heart stopped as he walked out. 

I wondered for how long he'd be gone this time. 

How many cries I could cry before he came back. 

I was rilling. 

 

"God damnit!" 

 

Such an understatement. 

Everything had gone so fast. Of course Sasuke and I had these fights more often. They always ended up pretty bad, but never had sasuke walked away. I was always doing the walking away as much as sasuke was annoyed by me. He juts ignored me until I couldn't take it anymore. Maybe he indeed had felt a bit intimidated this time. But that only scared me more. 

 

_trying to gettoo close to the sun is the stupidest thing a human can do. Together with loosing it._

 

I heard my screams through the apartment. My phone rang. Against my own knowledge I hoped it would be sasuke, of course it wasn't. It was Kiba. He heard me screaming, I knew it.He was worried. 

Silently I wished to like someone that was less perfect, yet nicer, sweeter. 

I couldn't think of anyone better than sasuke, but I sure as hell could think of people who would appreciate me more. 

Anyone. Just anyone would love me more than he did. I bit onto him and hoped I would never have to let go. It wasn't my fault. Not entirely.It was his. He wasn't clear about anything he did or said. In the first place I wasn't the one asking for this relationship. He was. We did this together. 

 


	2. irregular clouds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So yeah naruto actually does have friends. This is my first story where sakura is kind of cool and NAruto and sasuke do the d.

"hey blondy"I sat down at the table as sakura ruffled my hair "What's up? where's sasuke?"yeah sure leave it to her to ask thousands of questions. 

I pointed to the table sasuke was sitting on as she gave me a worried glance. 

"Fought again?"  

I grunted and nodded"He was all like I'm dropping out of college, so i was like.. well I just said no and than I started throwing with things because he was ignoring me, then he called me useless to I broke his computer then he got mad and left"of course leaving out the things about marriage and sex. 

She sighed as if it was a fairy tail "ah, the tornado and the volcano" 

"Yeah not really, he was quite calm that's the worst thing, he doesn't care" 

 

For a second we sat and looked at sasuke while he was texting, his family probably, sasuke doesn't really do friends. 

"Ya know what would make you feel better?" 

I smiled "No, I have no idea, what could that be?" such sarcasm "Probably not a day with you, that would be so boring, you are so boring" 

She hit my head "I am not!pff, anyway, I wanted to dye my hair again today, it has this orange glance" 

"you have to be the only person alive that dyes her hair pink from high school to collage, but I'm coming." 

"Oh and bring call of duty" 

I chuckled "fine I will"  

My heart had calmed. There was no one like sakura. I silently wished I could still be in love with her.Yes she is overemotional and she had a little obsession with sasuke;but I'm not the one to judge her about that. At least she's honest. I really admire her showing her feelings, though they come with either tears or a fist (i'd rathe shave the fist). Sasuke never shows his emotions, really, I now know that someone who shows them that obviously is still easier. I like that about sakura, I need her. 

 

 

I walked inside of the apartment. Ignored sasuke making a salad in the kitchen as I started searching for call of duty, as sakura hds told me to do. 

"naruto" I heard from the kitchen.  

"I'm busy!"Good excuse naruto. You get an A on lying. Wow amazing.ugh. 

I made extra noise as I searched, throwing the cd's away a little harder. As if that made it more convincing. 

I heard footsteps behind me."busy with?" 

"searching call of duty" 

 

WIthin seconds he was next to me. A smirk on his face. I wondered if he was still mad. What he was going to say. My heart beating so heavily.    
He scared me.   
No, I scared me. With him this close I didn't really know what to do.

"Interesting" 

I bit my lip as I felt his breath on my face. When had he gotten this close?

I felt his lips on mine. Heavy. He was pushing incredibly hard. His tongue inside my mouth; he didn't take a second for a sweet loving kiss. He never did.   
I let him. I leaned in.   
He was all I wanted, I couldn't just hold back. 

 

We pulled back."sasuke, could you.. Not" 

He frowned."why?" 

"well I should really leave, and-" 

"To where?" 

"sakura's" 

He laughed.Stood up."Perfect, go back to your high school love, you seem to become more childish with the second" 

"I'm not-Sakura is my best friend" 

"I'm your best friend" 

"Yeah sure but you are kind of confusing me, and I think you need to think" 

 

I still felt his warmth on my lips. It was hard not just going back to him. 

"I'm not the one who's got to think, I've got it in a straight line, you're my best friend" 

"Who you just kissed" 

"That isn't the first time, I don't see the problem" 

"We are fighting"not the best excuse ever. 

"so?" 

"I can't do this, I'm going sakura's" 

 

Within seconds I was pushed against the wall. Not even able to take one step.   
I felt his breath on my ear. Shivers through my body.   "Can she give you what I do?" 

 

_you can't see well after looking into the sun._

 

Our lips crashed together. I felt like screaming and crying. Already hearing him say that we're just friends.   
Then my shirt was gone, our bare chests bumping into each other with every breath we took. 

_I want you_

_I love you_

_I-_ "Fuck" sasuke rubbed his hips against mine. His tongue half in my mouth, as if we couldn't think fast enough. We couldn't think clear enough. 

I pulled his hair. 

_I hate you_

His hand on my dick, mine on his.We were both panting. It was going so fast. Our eyes weren't the same anymore. 

Lust is such a dangerous thing. I felt sasuke's unsteady breath in my neck. Sometimes he bit my neck, while he pushed back a soft moan.  

I didn't push anything back. Except from the loving words I wanted to say. 

"Sasuke"  

He never replied when I moaned his name. But I still did, to make sure this was still going on, not sure wether I wanted it to still be or not. 

"sasuke" 

He came. His opened mouth in my neck, his wet lips moving into it.Seconds later I came too, into his hand.  

"I'm sorry" 

He chuckled devilishly "That was fast" 

"right back at you" 

We were smiling, making fun of each other, as if nothing was going on. When we made love everything was perfect.  

I kissed him. I felt bad, though so good, it was horrible and confusing. 

Trailing kissed down his neck, rubbing his hip. I saw him smirk. 

"Sasuke"I whispered in his neck "I really do have to leave" 

He frowned "No you don't.. You're going to stay here with me" 

"Right back at you" 

"hn"

 

I did stay.  
We laid on the bed. I kept talking, he kept quiet.   
I knew something was up. He was feeling alone, his work got messed up, his father got mad.   
Maybe it was his lack of love.   
He wasn't loved enough, he couldn't love enough. He was afraid. So he played safe, with someone of who he knew would come back to him. Always.   
I was something he knew. Ever since we were little, he didn't have to be afraid with me. He hated having to be the perfect being he was.  With me, he could scream and tell me he wanted to be taken. Because who would have though the uchiha prince had such a secret? He liked to be taken by men.  He was safe with me. It hurt he was, `i was too easy, I cared too much. 

 

My phone rang. 

"Hey hey?"I picked up. 

"Naruto, hi, are you alright?" 

Sasuke looked up from his computer, smirked, looked me up and down, then went back to work. 

'I'm fine, I'm fine, something came up. I'm so so sorry. Can I still come?"  

a short silence "Yeah, sure, butI'm going to kick your ass!" 

I laughed."I deserve it" 

"You do, alright see ya in a bit!" 

"Bye" 

 

 

"sasuke, I'm leaving" 

"hn" 

Back to this. Back to normal. 

"I might be home late" 

"It's fine" 

 

 

* * *

 

 

"I'm so mad!" 

"What?" 

I looked at sakura walking around her room. Grunting from time to time. 

"You that ion was suddenly gone and no one told me why and where and shit?"I nodded "she was taken to an anorexia clinic" 

I breathed in quickly "seriously?" 

"Yeah and no on a told me!" 

"you guys were fighting.. " 

She sighed "I know but.. I am worried" 

 

We sat there for a second, in silence.    
"If you want I could go"   
for a few seconds we looked at each other, then she nodded. "Yes, yeah please do" 

 

 

"There's pink in my hair!"  

Sakura laughed heavily."it's a puny little bit" 

"I'm officially cute now"

"So kawaii"She said while sticking out her tongue at me. 

Sakura sang with her music as I danced around the room. As we waited for the dye we alway had most fun. All my troubles would be gone. Sometimes I thought about sasuke, but that was always there. I thought about happy things too though. About how I would like to tell sakura we were together some time. 

"naruto, let's stay together forever"  

I nodded. "Yeah, sakura, I'd love that" 

She grinned, jumped me.It pained me to lie to her about feelings. I knew how much she was in love with sasuke. I couldn't tell her. Because I don't think I'd be able to keep sasuke's part in my love still. I wanted to scream it, wait for people to agree with me; this wasn't normal friendship. But I couldn't. 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you're having a great day!  
> I'm having a great day!  
> U know what would make it even greater?  
> Your D  
> Just kidding I mean a comment or your kudos!  
> Tell your friends about my story ;D


	3. more stars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Woa yata naruto and gaara become friends and shikamaru and tamari are hella cute.

A knock on my door.   
Then as I opened the door Kiba, shikamaru and choji walked in as if the place was theirs. 

"Naruto we're going to get wasted" Kiba yelled, I knew shikamaru and choji were not planning to. 

"Do you guys like to invade my personal space?"  Choji apologized, though we were all grinning. I loved them as my friends. 

Kiba put a six-pack beer on the table and sat down on my couch. Put on the xbox. 

 

"hey sasuke" shikamaru mumbled as he shook sasuke one glance then sat down too. 

Choji put some snacks on the table "My mum made them for us" 

 

 "Did ya hear!? Shikamaru has a chick!" 

I almost choked in my drink. "Really?" 

Kiba nodded heavily, his eyes on the tv screen  "A really scary one! I heard she does martial arts and she's from that crazy fa-" 

"Enough kiba"  I looked at shikamaru 

"Is it true?"  he nodded 

"Yeah, she's really troublesome and I'm afraid of her brothers." 

I felt sorry for him. He finds women too troublesome and he manages to find one of the worst. Such coincidence.   
Kiba found the whole thing hilarious.   
I knew how shikamaru was feeling; my love wasn't all that easy either. 

"I know the feel, so if you ever need help I'm here"  He smiled thankfully and nodded. 

 

 That night seemed even more quiet than the once before that one. It was as if I had gotten used to it though now I realized how much fun evenings could be with my friends. It was incredible that my lust for sasuke was more than that. I knew it was hard being in one room with him yet I couldn't stop myself from doing so. I wanted to see his frown when working and I wanted to yell at him.

Crazy. 

"yes father" 

My eyes shot open, my ears trying their best to pick up the rest of the conversation. 

"That's quite soon-"   "No it's alright, It'll work-"  "Yes that apartment is fine-" 

I closed my eyes tightly again. I didn't want to hear it. I wanted him to stick with me and speak up against his father. 

"Thank you, I'll work hard" 

Asshole.   
Fucking asshole.   
It's always going against everyone.   
He never obeys but as soon as it's his daddy it's nothing but 'yes father, thanks for ruining by fucking life'   
Stupid sasuke with his stupid daddy issues. 

 

When I woke up my head was hurting. Weekend. Never had I been so tired t the idea of doing nothing in the weekend.   
I looked at my phone, it was half past 12, as if the fact I was incredibly tired not bad enough.   
I grunted, I used to be such morning person didn't I?

My phone rang. 

"hello hello"  I picked up, my voice bearably working. 

"and here I though I always sounded tired"  I spontaneously grinned. The master of sleeping himself. 

"Shikamaru!" 

"Auch, I liked you better half asleep"  

"What's up?"  I kept smiling. 

"Well, I was wondering, I have a date with tamari ya know, but her brothers will be there, like it's at her home, so could you come?" 

It didn't sound all that bad, my day was crappy already, it couldn't get any worse "Why not take chouji?" 

"He was scared" 

I chuckled "Figured as much, anyway, since I'm the toughest of your friends, I'll go" 

"Troublesome" 

"You love me"  

I heard him chuckle "I love sleep, I don't get incredibly irritated by you, there's a difference" 

"Hm, Sounds like bullcrap to me" 

"yeah yeah, see you today hyperknockelhead" 

"See yaa!" 

I hung up. Smiling once again. Still worried about what sasuke was going to tell me today. When would he move out? It was soon, that's all I knew. 

 

I watched sasuke as I poured water in my ramen. 

"I'm going out today" he said not looking up. 

"me to" 

 

Didn't we used to have a lot of fun?

 

"Okay then"

 

I walked back into my room. Sasuke didn't seem to be making any progress on leaving. Though the fact he was leaving today probably meant he was going to go see his new apartment.   
Sasuke knew I loved him. Never had I said it but he knew it. If he didn't he was an complete moron. Sasuke was a lot, but dumb wasn't on the list. 

He knew. Perhaps it was better if I just told him. 

 

* * *

 

"so shikamaru who are these brothers?" 

"You know gaara?"  I shook my head "Redhead, eyeliner, bit of an emo guy" 

"never heard of him" 

"I heard of him alright, he kicked the asses of four upperclassman or something, crazy shit" 

I sighed "Maybe he has anger problems? I bet he's a nice guy" 

As we stood in front of the subaku house I realized two things.   
1\. They are hella rich  
2.They have a hella big house and they are rich

 

"I'm going to cry, the house is so big, I regret coming" I whispered in one breath. 

"You're not the one trying to get with the daughter, I'm the one in danger" 

For a second we just stood there. Looking at the house hesitating to come in. We didn't dare to ring the bell.   
This was until we heard a voice above us "Fucking morons! Ring the fucking bell!' 

I looked up. Smirked at shikamaru. 

"Is that her?" I whispered. He nodded, looking absolutly stunned. 

 

Seconds later the door opened. 

"Tamari, hi" 

She snorted at shikamaru , then shook my hand "Hi I'm tamari" 

"Naruto" I said grinning  "I love the house, it's like freaking big" 

"Thanks"  Tamari had to be the most sassy person in the entire world. She hadn't even said anything and I could tell. The swung her hips and talked as if she owned the world.  "You ready crybaby?"  She mentioned for shikamaru to come in, me following behind. 

"Crybaby?"  I asked. 

"Oh, Yeah! It's my nickname for shikamaru"  I glanced at him while shikamaru gave me an 'i'll tell you later'  look. 

 

 

We walked into some kind of extra living room. After having seen the most expensive rooms I had ever seen. Well not really because damn I'm friends with mister uchiha. I was still weighting these two houses up to each other. Trying to figure out which was one was more expensive.I'd go with the subaku one, because it's further out of the city so it's bigger. 

"don't be scared off by my brother okay?" tamari said smiling. Damn that look though. Tamari could probably kick ion and sakura's ass in a battle of fierceness. 

I grinned "Is he scarier than you are? because I'm already afraid"  

"I'm serious kid, he is" 

 

As we walked in I saw a small redhead glare at me.    
I grinned awkwardly. I had become used to glares, living with sasuke, but I had to admit that he was impressive "Hi, I'm naruto!" 

"uh, yeah, shikamaru" shikamaru mumbled awkward right after me. 

"gaara"  he mumbled, then looked back at him book. 

My heart beat faster. So much distance from others. He reminded me of myself, people didn't want to talk to me and eventually, I stopped talking to them too. That was until sasuke came into my life. The one I hated most, the one that kept me from being bullied, the one that saw me as a real human being. 

My belly fluttered at the thought of how me and sasuke first met. In the presence of this boy, I couldn't help but feel like that kid I used to be again. 

"That was it, okay let's go"  Then tamari led us up to her room. 

 

 

"Uh guys, I'm going to the toilet"  

I looked at shikamaru and tamari, They were simply talking, I was bearably the third wheel as they were the least romantic couple ever.  Still I wanted to get out of there for a second. Maybe that would help them become more romantic. I did sort of feel like I was ruining their date, then again shikamaru had been too afraid to come alone. And for what? Because i said 'hi I'm naruto'  first?

I walked down, off the big stairs.  Honestly I had no idea where the toilet was and I hadn't listened when tamari was telling me where I could find it. I should really start listening to people. I know I won't do it though, I tell myself that daily. 

 

Then, I saw the room gaara had been siting in. As if my body moved on its own I walked in.   
Eye to eye with the redhead. He glared at me, though he didn't manage to hide his surprise. 

"I'm sorry, I'm lost"  I mumbled. 

"hn"  Oh where had I heard that before? Sasuke that's right. Though gaara sounded more aggressive. He was even better at totally ignoring me.

"Can I sit here? Tamari and shikamaru probably could use some time alone, ya know?" 

He ignored me, I took that as an yes and sat down. 

"What are you reading?" 

he looked up, frowned confused, then looked back down. 

"It's okay if you don't talk, I mean, I used to not talk a lot, like I talked but not really to people. That was mostly because they didn't talk back to me, ghe, anyway, I always feel alone when people don't talk to me, of course I'm not you but I just thought you looked so silent and maybe you would like-" 

"I'm used to it, I liked the silence" 

I smiled. As I thought. 

"You shouldn't be used to it" 

His eyes were big when he looked at me. Then he shyly looked down. 

"You shouldn't talk to me, if people would know that they'd call you a freak" 

A pinch in my heart. He just needed a friend. Like I needed a friend back then. Before iruka trusted me. Before sasuke came into my life. 

"I've been called worse, gaara, I'd like to be your friend" 

I saw him biting his lip. Looking down. Nod softly. His eyes looked pained. 

 

I sat a bit closer to him. Waited for him to say something. He just looked down. 

"It hurts to be alone doesn't it?"  

I saw tears in his eyes. He nodded. 

"I'm an orphan, people always hated me and I didn't know why" 

I saw gaara cry. I didn't do anything to stop him. It needed to come out. He needed this. 

 

We sat. For minutes we sat in silence. 

Gaara seemed calmer. His glare was gone, his eyes seemed to cherish me. As if he was amazed by every bit of my body. When I looked he looked away. His glare, his frown were completely gone. 

Then slowly I started talking. About useless things. The exact thing I'm so good at. Talking about things that no one cared about. I told him about the fact I dyed sakura's hair, so I could do his to. That made him smile a little. I told him about school and about shikamaru. How shikamaru thought he was scary, but I reassured him I would tell the truth, which is that he's really nice. I told him a bit about my past. 

Though in every story I made sure not to mention the most important part of my life; sasuke.  I didn't think I could handle telling him about that, that would mean letting my words about sasuke float. Nothing would be bad like that. 

 

"Naruto!"  Shikamaru's voice filled the house. A whining tamari right after it. 

"I'm here"  I said. A sloppy ponytailed looked around the corner, a four tailed following.  How weird is it that she has four ponytails anyway? That's really weird? specially since it looks good. 

As they walked in gaara looked down. The serene smile he had on his face as good as gone, though his face looked better, healthier after smiling. 

Shikamaru and tamari both looked equally confused. 

"Naruto I was leaving.. are you ready?"  I nodded. 

"one sec" 

I quickly scribbled down my phone number on a paper for gaara.  "Text me okay? else I don't have your number" 

Gaara silently looked up, nodded, looked back down. 

 

 

When we walked out both tamari and shikamaru felt the need to ask me "What the hell did you do?" 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YATA! go and kudo or comment (you read this far you're not fooling me when saying you didn't like it ;p)


	4. warmth.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> yeah sasuke and naruto are actually quite happy for once?  
> I hope you like it.   
> xxChiyo

When I walked in I saw a living room full of boxes. My happiness from meeting new people shattered as I looked at them. 

"sasuke?"

No reply yet.  
I walked through the apartment, eventually finding sasuke in his room, trowing clothes on his bed. 

"Sasuke, why?" 

He looked at me "I'm moving out?" 

"Already? sasuke you know that I'll have to find a place for myself to if you do, I can't afford this place, you should tell me when shit like this happens"

"It doesn't matter, you can always move out" 

"That's not what I'm trying to say! You should tell your best friend when you're moving away, how, what time, if you need help, stuff like that" 

He sighed "Naruto it doesn't matter 

"yes it does, sasuke, I know you find this hard to because else you would have just told me, but you didn't. You didn't want to tell me" 

"You're seeing too much into it" 

I laughed "Sasuke I know you like the back of my hand, I know" 

 

He walked away. Started picking clothes up. 

"I will pay your rent, you can keep living here, I'll come by as much as I can" 

"How do I know you really will?" 

he looked at me sternly "Do you even trust me one bit?" 

I nodded, looking down ashamed. "I'm just afraid sasuke, You don't need me"  
He didn't reply. 

 

I walked to my room, without another word. My legs were heavy, finally falling down on my bed felt more than amazing. I wasn't hungry anymore. I wanted the word to disappear around me.  
I alway knew I couldn't expect to much from sasuke. The first time I saw him he was wearing the most expensive clothes, he walked away from the biggest house. He felt useless, like I did. Still I knew, that in the eyes of others, he was worth everything and I was nothing. Of course, I always realized that the way I was, was so much different from the way he was. My scars, my alternative clothing, my dreams.. they were all so much different from his. He had nothing except from wanting to make his family proud. It was first Uchiha then Sasuke. It was first working then feeling. First duties then naruto.  
I know that he's originally from asia and all. Not to be racist but I know that there, family goes before yourself. I just couldn't.. I couldn't find it normal, no matter how hard I tried. 

 

I stood up. Cold hitting my body. Was it evening yet?  
Slowly my legs moved to sasuke's room. His things packed, except from his bed and tomorrows clothing. He was sitting on his bed, in silence. He didn't as why, or what I was doing.  
Then I fell down on his bed. He watched me, book on his lab.  
I didn't really care what he thought, he thought I was weak, like I did. I knew all too well he wasn't going to come at me. So for once I was just going to take what I wanted; a moment together with sasuke. No matter how much hate got in-between us, I wanted his warmth now. His small body in the same bed. I closed my eyes, still feeling his eyes on me. What kind of expression was he showing? Was he annoyed by me? 

The best moments happen when the sun is shining, not too warm not too cold. 

I felt good. I felt no hate, else I could have never fallen asleep like that.  
Then eventually, I heard the book close. The light went out. He laid down agains me. A warm feeling through me.  
He didn't say a word, but I felt the warmth I used to feel coming over me again. 

His warmth was more than satisfying. This reminded me of why I tried so hard. Why is was able to hold on. It was because warmth feels way better after a long period of ice. It's the most satisfying, most beautiful. You can't see shadow without light. You can't love without hate.  
He softly smiled in his sleep. So serene. Of course I knew and I always had known, that he was not a cold person. I just couldn't get through his shield all the time. He had thickened his mask, sharpened his blade like words. I wanted him gone, sometimes, but moments like this kept me going. 

My mind went back to when I had first met him. In those days he hadn't felt the need to always wear a mask. His eyes told me he was lonely, his glare told me he thought he was better than the whole world. I looked up to him. As a kid without friends or a family I wanted everything he had. These days my wished seem stupid; I know I wouldn't hold out long if I had his life.  
Sasuke was one of the first to actually speak to me as an equal. Yes it wasn't all nice chitchat. It were hard words.  
At that time I called him all the names in the book, while we punched each other black eyes and bleeding lips. I don't even remember why. I think he cockily asked why I was looking at him to which I replied that I was looking at his face because it was so ugly.  
We broke into a fight right away, that might not come as a surprise.  
Then, as our young bodies were completely broken and bleeding we lied on the flour. I had my eyes on him, he had his eyes closed a cocky smirk on his face. "I won" he mumbled to which I snorted heavily "like fucking hell" such foul words for a young boy like me, though these days I would probably have said the same. "You know I did" i would have kicked his ass again if I hadn't been that beat "I'll kick your ass" then he did something I didn't expect him to do. He looked at me and smiled. He smiled as if is as an equal and he smiled as if I meant something, as if the fight was something that he had enjoyed. Maybe he had, like me.  
"I'm uchiha sasuke, sasuke is my first name, uchiha the family" I looked at him as if he was crazy.

"I'm naruto, what's up with the family thing? Am I supposed to say my family name to? your weird" 

He looked up smiling soundlessly "its because of my family pride" 

"I think I could do that to then, like, I don't have a family but that doesn't mean I'm not proud to carry on my mothers name, yes my mothers, I don't know why either-" I kept talking and talking, I couldn't stop. I still highly doubt that he was listening to the whole story but never did he try to stop me. I knew back then too that I was talking too much, that I was probably scaring him away. It just had been so long since someone actually paid attention to me.  
My heart was beating fast during my whole speech, my mouth kept going and going without saying anything important. Most of all; I had never been as happy. 

After that we kind of sticker together, never did we say we were friends. We just didn't feel like being with anyone else. He said that people were throublesome and wanted things from him, I didn't so I was all he was going to get. I knew that he was happy with my attention. It was his big fat rebellion against being perfect, since I was everything but perfect. I had always been stared at for being weird, he had always been stared at for being perfect and together we were a combination people had never expected ; we got stared at even more.  
At first it seemed like a scandal that I hung out with him, though after a while, everyone just kind of got used to it. We were a team, though neither, one of us would really admit it, once again we were cocky bastards. 

In high school I slowly started making more friends. Like Sakura, I met Sakura in high school. The girl with pink hair. Everyone was more than confused by her. Pink hair but still pretty, obnoxious switching with shy, agrassive yet caring. She was one big question mark. I liked her, though the only within had ever heard coming out of her mouth was the word idiot pointed at me. Eventually she came to me when she and ino got into a fight, it was about sasuke. Though this whole massive fight was about my best friend, my 'crush' came to me to talk about it. She said she knew she could thrust me. That I was one of the only guys that seemed absolutely thrustworty and that could be her friend. At the time being in the friendzone seemed like the worst thing, though now I am happy about it, since we're still friends. I still kind of understand why I had been that devastated by being in the friendzone. Because, guess what, I still am, only now with the boy that got me my pink haired friend, the perfect uchiha.  
Then I became better friends with the guys I had already not disliked too much in elementary school, shikamaru and chouji. It took more time for kiba to come around, since he was more cocky than the rest. We even became friends by small rivalry fights. Never as heartbreaking or bad as the once me and sasuke had. They were childish and fun. 

Eventually I also befriended hinata and ino, who at the time hung out with the boys a lot more. Hinata didn't spend much time with us apart from school since her dad is an complete asshole. Ino was always quite the crazy one in the group.  
Her history with Sakura stays confusing and really weird. Ino was obviously the more confident one of the two. I had always thought it would be impossible to be more confident than Sakura but darn she proved it. This was probably (don't blame me if I get their story wrong) because ino had always been loved, confident and cool. Sakura on the other hand was bullied. Ino saved her from the whole thing. Though now, Sakura always feels the need to live up to people's expectations. I think she shouldn't i mean, she looks like one big rebellion , why not act like one?  
I called sasuke, to my utter relievement he picked up the first time, I hadn't expect that. 

"Uchiha sasuke" I smiled, he still always said the family name first, I wasn't going to get past that 

"well hello mister uchiha." I casually replied. I know he smiled, he might be as cold as ice but I know when he smiles. 

"Why are you calling?" 

"Well, i was left with a note this morning and even though I found it highly romantic and incredibly flattering but still, why don't you want to show me your room?"

I heard him sigh, imagining him closing his eyes, thinking "I hadn't really thought of it, this is all quite stressing" 

Bullshit, big big fat cow Poo "you admitting you're stressing, you must be loosing your mind" 

"Yeah"

"Tell me what is up" 

He grunted "nothing, nothing is wrong" 

"I've known you -" 

"My whole life, I know you. Yes I know what you're going to say but I tell you it's nothing, I will come and pick you up today, I'll show you the apartment alright?" I felt a warm flow through my body at at his apology, I knew I this was vain, that he was just hiding the facts, but making a drama wasn't going to help anyone. It would only make things worse. 

I fell on the cough, the tv having countless of series that were nothing, the least interesting things in life. Wasn't tv quite interesting a while ago? Maybe I should start watching discovery Chanel instead of watching drama series all day. I feel like a girl drowning in her own boredom and loneliness.  
I grinned to myself.  
I kind of am a girl drowning in her own loneliness. Except with balls. Yup, seems like a pretty accurate description of me.  
My phone rilled. I put my ice cream longing and teary mind away to look at my phone.  
Gaara.  
I smiled, a happy feeling inside me. I hadn't expected him to actually dare to text me. The crazy silent guy actually had some guts. He wanted friends, he really did. 

This is gaara.

I laughed. Nothing more nothing less. That was all he said. 

Hey gaara, glad you texted, was afraid you wouldn't really, what's up?

I felt happy texting him. Like he somehow needed me a little. Within a day he had grown to like me and I loved it. I had almost forgotten what it was like to be needed a little. Sakura loved me, but she would let know she needed me. I had friends apart from them but they didn't need me at all. They loved me, but needing, it's something more. It makes you feel so special. 

Nothing, how are you?

It was not freaking possible for someone to be so freaking cutely antisocial.  
I kept texting. Whole conversations in which he bearable took part. But at least he did. He answered shortly and asked politely. For a few seconds I had forgotten the crappy series and sasuke. I just wanted to see how awkward this guy would answer me this time. Smile at it.  
Eventually someone knocked the door.At the time I had now idea what was going on, why exactly someone would knock the door. Sasuke had his key, no one would come to see me. Though when I opened they door, I saw the most gorgeous raven standing in front of the door. 

"What are you doing?" I asked, internally ashamed of myself for letting go of my ability to know time while I was talking to gaara. 

"Picking you up?" Oh damn, that cocky eyebrow and sassy eyes as he looks at me. 

"Yeah, yeah of course, but why did you knock?" 

"Well since I won't live here anymore, I left my key here, didn't expect to come back that soon" 

"Idiot" I took his key out of our key teacup and pushed it into his hand "I need to be able to go somewhere when I lost my key "

I saw him smirk cockily, happy because I knew that was the closest he got to a smile "oh so we've come to that stage?" 

I laughed loudly as he kept on smirking "did you just crack a joke? Are you sick?" I felt his forehead "oh my, I. Stink you have a lack of uchiha" 

He slapped my hand away, still smiling. "Screw off uzumaki" 

His apartment was, probably three times bigger as the one we had together. Maybe two times, I don't know. It was incredibly white compared to the one we had. Since I had commanded colour in our old apartment. Putting all my secondhand stuff through his black and white designer stuff. Now it was just designer. Just black and white. Big, new. "It's a bit empty now, we need to unpack some stuff from the our apartment" Not our old apartment, your ex apartment? I felt myself getting hurt over small things, the things he took from out apartment, though he basically left everything. Thinking I couldn't do anything with just my stuff (I probably couldn't since the flat screen is his)  
His bathroom was the most insane designer stuff, an straight grey bath. Rain showers. All the things I couldn't ever expect to buy. I didn't even care. A while ago I would have gotten so pissed off at him for being rich, now I was only sad that our time together had basically come to an ending.  
"I'm jealous" I cheerfully yelled. 

Sasuke frowned "it cold, black and white, you don't like it" 

"But you are to, and I like you to" 

For a second we stood still, then he looked up. His eyes were heavy on mine, I wasn't able to look away. "Sleep here tonight, I need to used to it" 

"That almost seemed like a confession to weakness" I grinned happily. 

"If you don't want to then whatever" he turned to the kitchen

I smiled, hugged his back, my arms around his neck and my chest pushed against his back. "Congrats on your new house sasuke, I'd love to stay over" 

He groaned "let go idiot" 

 

A few wines for him, a few beers for me. Laughing. Hn'ing on his side. Me singing, him groaning. I felt like best friends again. Forgetting the fact he had just moved out. Convincing myself that he was just going to work, he wasn't going to get a girlfriend or a wife.  
"Sasuke dance with me"  
"Nooo" I grinned and took his hands, him not even standing up. Not seeing any way to get him to dance with me I sat down on his lap. "What're ya doin"  
"I'm home sasuke" my voice sounded a bit lousier than I had intended, blame the alcohol, same goes for my behavior. 

"No your not" ah, he sounded the same. Wonderful seeing him vonurable. 

"But I'm with you ske, I want to be with you and I'll be home, uke, I love you I do, yr my best friend for ever and ever" 

"You're embarrassing and drunk" he pushed his lips on mine, confirming that the fact I was drunk and embarrassing was no problem whatsoever.  
I grinned into the kiss, him whining about the fact my teeth hit his. I couldn't help it. I needed to smile, to let the happiness of the moment flow through me.  
I pulled out my shirt, his right after. I couldn't think 'here we go again' because at the moment I only wanted this more and more. His hand trailed up my back, his breath in my ear sending shivers through my body.  
I wanted to say I loved him.  
Lies. These were all lies as long as he didn't know how I felt.  
I didn't tell him, I was afraid he would stop sending shivers through my body and kisses on my skin. Maybe I was busy breathing heavily. No, I was just afraid. I couldn't tell him; I was holding the words back. All I wanted was to scream it.  
What kind of friendship is this?  
Lies, sex, pain. We're best friends.  
Best frie- sasuke yelled out as my fingers entered him. Me biting my lip. He cursed at me. "Where are you with your mind?" He grunted, I realised I had seriously hurt him. "I'm sorry, sasuke"  
He quickly pushed me off and pulled out his pants in a flash. He looked at me daringly. He knew I was quite touchy feely, I knew he wasn't. He didn't want any of that. He wanted me to take what I want. He dared me to.  
I stood up and pushed him onto the cough within a rough kiss. His hard on pushing against me making me decide to push him even more. I started on his as without touching his hard on. He grunted.  
I mumbled sweet things, he grunted mean things. I breathed in sharply as I came inside of him, he yelled out. We were opposites once again, during sex we beautifully moved together but we said the opposite. Maybe we even felt the opposite. Al l I knew for sure was that the thing we both felt was list. Lust the only thing that can turn a human into a demon. That can make you do anything that you never thought you would. Lust. Lust is insane. 

We lied on the cough without saying a word. We had both sobered up, though that also meant we weren't drunk enough to stay drunk or to pass out; our excuse for acting the way we did was gone. Though we never really did have an excuse. 

My phone rilled. 

Gaara, I knew it, but this was the perfect time to silently ignore him. In my head he had disappeared, everyone had, I was laying with sasuke.  
"Who's that?"  
I sighed sasuke's back against my chest. My. Forehead against his spine. "No one important" I mumbled. He sat up straight, I wasn't sure why. He hated cuddling(he says, his sleep tells me otherwise) but maybe it was because of gaara. Though I knew, sasuke never got jealous. 

"Fine" 

"A new friend I made, he seemed a bit lonely and so I befriended him" 

"Helping the poor again" he smirked cockily. 

"Just like I did when I met you" 

"Pff, I was helping you" 

I sat up, pushed my lips on his "suree" I mumbled sarcastically against his lips.


	5. burned.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> so everything goes wrong, blablabla, I don't know why I'm doing this, haha..   
> ANyway, pleaasee tell me what you think. It would mean a lot (:

I woke up in sasuke's bed. Everything smelled muff, like sweat and sex. The perfect sent of teenage boys. Not that we were still in our teens but sometimes, nights like yesterday we sure as hell acted like we were. Like usual I had done a lot of thinking in the evening, waking up around 12 that morning.   
I heard sasuke in the kitchen. My tired eyes watched the door in hope he would walk in.  
He didn't.   
I stood up, legs rilling, I was that tired. He was making a coffee, just like I expected he would.   
"Sasuke" I mumbled softly. He turned around as I sat down on the uncomfortable kitchen chair. "What time is it?" 

"Twelve, you slept like a rock, I have been working for three hours" 

"Yeah not everyone's crazy, surprise" 

He smirked and took one bag of ramen. He got it for me, he doesn't eat instant ramen. I got an happy feeling as he cooked the water. He really thought of me didn't he?  
I should be in school. My thoughts had let me so far that I couldnt care about school anymore. Not that they would really care at school. 

"Unpacked this morning?" He sipped his coffee and nodded. "Didn't you have any help yesterday? You could have asked me." 

"We hired people to get the big things up here, then my father wanted to go eat dinner so we didn't really have the time?" 

"Was that the reason I couldn't come?" He looked at me as if he was confused. As if he didn't know darn well what I was talking about. "I mean because your father was here, are you afraid he'll despise you if he sees me here?"

"Naruto" he whispered.

"Fucking hell, and I thought that you wanted me here" 

"My father is not me, I want you here, you are here so I do"   
True. So true. Of course this was no reason to be mad at that. He really did do a lot for me to. But I still wished I could one day be happy with him. How could we do that if we could never tell anyone how we felt? No, how I feel. He doesn't feel. 

"He controls you though" 

"Not this a-" 

"No you need to hear this! All your contacts hate me, you sleep with me, you are ashamed of me, you call me your best friend, how does this make any sense? You expect me to not be confused? How can I Not be confused by this?"

He sat down "you except this too, how should I know you don't like it"

"I am telling you right now"

"What do you want me to do? You know we can't back out on any of this!"

I bit my lip "I want to know what you think and feel, that would help"

"I think it's fine this way naruto, I don't know what else I could fi-"

"I love you"

Silence fell over the room. He looked at me with his intense dark eyes as if he had just heard someone died.   
"of course, you're my best frie-" 

"Don't you fucking dare sasuke, don't you fucking dare to say that because I will loose my fucking mind! You know very well what I mean"

He stayed silent, looked at his hands. Then as if something inside him had switched he looked up confidently while saying : "naruto, I really don't have time for this right now"

I lost it.   
I lost everything, every bit of pride and hope I had.   
Before I knew if I had thrown my ramen on the floor, kicked the kitchen counter until it broke, I had thrown his empty vase on the ground and his coffee against the wall.   
"Naruto leave" he sounded so calm. I wanted to retort with 'this is my apartment to' but I couldn't this time. That would be no reason for us to get back together again. That hurt me even more. For once I didn't know for sure we would really feel the same after. I was sure he had seen my feelings before but suddenly it seemed as if sasuke had been blind to every warm feeling at all. 

I walked out slamming the door as hard as I could (childish I know). He didn't try to follow me. I didn't hear him calling out my name. He didn't even give me the slightest bit of glue to make my heart one again. He just left it there, not eve pushing me back into the friendzone, no, he just accepted not being anything to me anymore. He did nothing to keep anything. 

Maybe he thought it was better this way. He could finally stop lying to his father. Agree with his family when they called me weird. Ignore people that called me a freak without feeling bad.

With rilling legs I started walking. I felt broken. In a wave of anger I had said what I shouldn't again. I wanted to keep my mouth about loving him. Maybe even forever, if I could handle it, but I couldn't once again I let my insecurities take the best of me.   
It was quite cold for a early spring day, as if the world liked the fact I was being dumbed. Sasuke didn't kind colds, I was bad at handling them. Maybe because I was used to warmth and he wasn't. Maybe that's why I always wanted to be close to people and he didn't.   
The street was crowded. I almost felt bad for walking into so many people without saying sorry to one. I was too lost in thoughts. In pain. The tears in my eyes booked my vision, that was my excuse.   
"Hey!-"   
"Sorry" I whispered trying to walk on.   
The person grabbed my hand, making me look at him/her/it.   
A guy. A guy with bags under his yes, long hair, dark and gloomy; uchiha itachi.  
Well if there's one person I didn't want to see right now it would be this asshole. As if uchihas hadn't made be bad enough this day, let alone in my life.   
"Are you okay?" 

I quickly wiped my tears away "my eyes are bad at handling bad weather" 

He looked up at the sky(which wasn't al too gray I might add) and then back at me with one eyebrow pushed up. "You're kidding right?" 

"No, I am not."

Hè sighed "Naruto" my heart skipped à beat. Hè remembered me "may i offer you à cup of tea?"

I bit my lip, not sure I could handle it. Then i realised how much i hatend benig alone. It was like starting all over. I couldn't sink that low. 

"I don't think I should" 

"Please?" I couldn't help but nod softly. I knew that itachi was the person sasuke hated most. Yes I felt like I was betraying sasuke. I was also very surprised itachi even recognised let alone remembered me. Pat the moment I needed someone, sasuke had already decided he wasn't going to be that person, so who cared if I was going to the person he hated most. Maybe it would make him realise something. 

"Sorry it's a mess" I heard him say as we walked in. There was no mess whatsoever. It was maybe just a bit messier than sasuke's place, but sasuke's cleanness was almost inhuman. Compared to his place my  
Place is a trash can. It's still a little weird to say his and my 'place' instead of 'room'.  
Itachi put down two cups of thee as I sat on the cough and stared at his apartment. "Green or black?" I mumbled I wanted green before going back to stalking his apartment. Itachi smiled calmly, too perfect. Looked at me with amusement still a hint of care. "Care to tell me what's wrong? I have a p trustworthy ear"

"I trust your ear, not sure about the owner"

He smiled "it's amazing you can crack jokes with a broken voice and mascara down your cheeks" mascara?

"I was born with very useful talents"

He chuckled, shoving a bowl full of chocolate my way. "I can see that" 

For a second we just sat staring at each other. I hadn't expect itachi to be nice. Specially not more open than the other uchihas. From sasuke's stories itachi had always seemed like the worst person alive. The one without a heart or feelings. It didn't seem like that.

"I intended to ask you about my brother, but your face tells me I shouldn't. Don't worry" 

I looked down "he's fine" my voice broke a little "new job, new house, it's-"

"Please don't force yourself, it looks absolutely hideous" I smiled a little. Hideous, he says. Such a complicated word, such an uchiha. "What do you want, naruto?"

I looked down "I need to call school saying I'm sick, and I want a drink stronger than this" 

That was exactly what I did and got. Texting gaara my sorrys for not replying, calling school, then going back to itachi. With every drink he seemed to look more and more like sasuke.

"How did you still know me?" 

"You're quite the person" he replied confidently. 

A few drinks later I was talking about everything that had happened. I cursed at sasuke, seconds later I was going on about every single thing I loved about sasuke. His stupid duckbutt hair, his glare when he actually wanted to laugh, his pale skin and the fact he nipple play turned him on (yes I event that far into detail). Itachi patiently listened to me sulkin about his brother. They didn't even talk but here I was, whining about one brother to another. I know this wasn't something a proud man would do. But when you don't have your feelings under controle you just tend to do things you normally wouldn't. Still it was crazy things had turned out like this. What are the odds?

"Itachi hold me" I whispered, he shook his head. "Itachi please, I'm cold"

"You are drunk and you're going to regret it, sasuke won't forgive you"

I snorted "sasuke won't forgive me anyway, itachi I need to know people are not disgusted with me like he is, like people were before.. Before-" Two arms wrapped around me. "You smell like him" I whispered looking up. I was slumbering over my words. 

As I looked into the dark eyes I couldn't hold it. I pushed my lips on itachis. He kissed back, still it was nothing but an apology for his brothers behaviour, not because of any lust; from both sides. 

 

When I woke up itachi was working on the other side of the bed, looking at his computer while mumbling "good morning"

I grunted "what is it with you uchihas?" 

Itachi chuckled lightly and then looked at me "I know, sorry, good morning"

"Mornin"  
I had a headache. Worrying about how I was going to ask itachi if we had sex didn't help much either. If he had sex, would I forgive myself? Honestly, I would. I think I would forgive myself. "we only kissed and then I tucked you in, believe me you'd feel it in your back" 

I looked at him wide eyed "was that a statement or are you trying to read my mind?"

"Trying to read your mind, how did I do?"

I grinned "pretty good"

Was this how you heal a broken heart? By sharing the bed with strangers? With people your love hates?   
Was sasuke fine with all this? 

"I would make you breakfast but I get the feeling your not hungry?"

"Not really" 

He nodded understanding "a shattered heart fills up your whole belly with small pieces" what a pretty quote. Who's was that? Or did all uchihas have wonderful speech patterns?


	6. Frozen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> stuff happens and naruto talks a lot and ino is awesome

"naruto" 

Shikamaru. How did he get in?  
How did I not notice.   
I kept looking at the ceiling as if it was the most wonderful thing in the world. Though by now, I knew every single little mistake our ceiling had. I had been looking at it for so long.. Why again?

"Naruto, like, I wouldn't believe gaara when he said he was worried about you" I looked up, gaara was? "but seems the guy knows you pretty good, you look horrible" 

I sighed, excitement because gaara was worried less than it should have been. I should be happy, seriously, but sasuke didn't even call me. Not even to bitch about how much of a drama queen I am and to say we're just friends. That's not like him. He usually tries to make sure he's right, that we're on the same path if strangers look at us. 

"Tell me what's wrong?" I shook my head. "I can tell it's not just low grades, you've always had them, on top of that you have never looked this fucking-" 

"I haven't been sleeping, and not really eating properly, that's probably it." 

He looked around. Carefully, making sure he wouldn't miss a detail of the apartment. "Where's sasuke?" Of course. Like He wouldn't notice.Why didn't I just fucking tell them in the first place? It's nothing to hide, now it only looks like I'm worried about it. Now they will only think I'm weird about it. Like I was when sasuke took all his stuff out; it was only weird because he didn't tell me. That's how I knew something was up; that he did have feeling about the whole thing. 

"sasuke moved out, he's finally going to work at the family business" I tried to grin "He's still paying the apartment, so it's only good for me" 

"Don't worse yourself naruto" didn't itachi say that too? "I know how much you care about sasuke, it's obvious" 

Did he really? Did I want him to know how much I care about sasuke? I care about him as in; I want to have sex with him. As in I want him to cry in my shoulder while I come inside of him, I want him to bite me and see it the next day, I want him to stay with me forever and speak up to his father so that he can be with me. That's how much I care about him. Did shikamaru know? Did I want him to know?.. Maybe I did. 

"Shikamaru can I tell you something?" he nodded .The words felt like vomit coming out of my mouth, thick. It hurt saying them , it was hard getting them out. "I- I'm in love with sasuke.. for quite some time now" 

"ahh, fool" 

that shook me awake . I wanted to explain myself. Suddenly my mouth started working as if I had to protect myself "It's not on me! We had sex. We fucking had sex. there you have it. Let me tell you shikamaru, that sex was not all from my side, don't fucking think I raped him or something, neither think that I'm being crazy and I let him torment me. It was neither one of those" I am the top, he basically begs for it. I wanted to add but I knew I had already said too much. Shikamaru was a normal straight guy, this was weird enough as it is. 

I watched him think. Closing his eyes. "It's not like sasuke to- just do things like that. So maybe you should just-" 

"I did. I confessed to him. You know what he said?" Shikamaru looked at me wide eyes. Poor him. Poor me for bearably getting the words sasuke said out of my mouth. they were knifes that needed to come out horizontal "He said: naruto I don't have time for this" 

 

If we don't like the weather, we will mention it a thousand times a day

 

"It was right after sex, shikamaru, we had sex, everything was perfect, he smiled his stupid non smile smirk thing, he made breakfast for me, like how can he say he doesn't have time for it? Put me in the fucking friend zone, or in the boyfriend zone, in the secret lover zone, I don't care but he didn't fucking answer me!" I laughed creepily, almost scaring myself "fuck can you even consider him a man? Get fucked and don't tell me what he think about it? Fucking chick. Fucking asshole" 

How did i get so far in telling shikamaru this? I got lost in my own words, telling him every detail in my rage of anger. 

"You know sasuke is going to get a wife or something, that's how this world works; he's too important to his family business to be gay" 

Shikamaru nodded "I understand.. you deserve better naruto. There are a lot of people that love you" 

"As friends" 

"naruto, before sasuke knew your feelings, he thought that too, maybe you are to someone, what he is to you. Are you going to be like him and leave that unanswered?" he was really talking about someone. 

I smiled slightly but didn't speak up. I watched shikamaru get me Ramen and a glass of cola. "A broken heart is hard, and it's okay to sulk, but you have been doing it for to long. Plus, if you're going to be depressed, don't kill yourself by not eating" 

After shikamaru left I put my tv on for the first time since I got back. I ate again, took a shower, breathed in and out, indeed feeling better now. I also took my phone out of my pocket and texted gaara.

Thanks for being worried about me, I'm doing okay now, I guess

The sucky drama's on television were distracting, luckily. They were still sucky, true indeed, but they helped. Kiba asked if he could come over to game, I turned him down since the idea had me far from excited, then I again, I was happy I had friends. A while ago it had only been sasuke. I also knew- even though I feared it- that sakura would come storm into my apartment in a while. I could't help but smile at the idea. Already knowing that kind of names she would call me. Already trying to figure out what I was going to tell her. It was hard to lie to sakura, but I wouldn't tell her. I sure as fucking hell wouldn't tell sakura; my best friend. I knew it would hurt her, and I was afraid I couldn't leave out the part sasuke was gay too. 

Maybe I would fuck things up for her. If sakura would dye her hair back; get her work. She might be the 'respected' women sasuke is looking for. I know I wouldn't be able to take it. But I very well know the change exists. 

It sucked that she could be the one he ended up with, while I was the only one who knew him. 

 

As I stood in the shower I thought. I needed to get out, that was one things I was sure about. I also needed to start listening to other music though I was pretty much assured I wouldn't.  
With those two I would probably feel a lot better. Maybe I could go meeting new people, there was nothing as crazily good as meeting new people to me. People that didn't know anything that I had been through. I wanted to be that blank page again; draw whatever I wanted on it. 

Lucky me; I'm an artist. 

I can be whatever I want.

 

\----

 

I looked at the thin girl sitting on the other side of the room. She smiled, her head held high. Nothing like you would expect.   
Anorexic, isn't that supposed to look unhealthy, quite ugly. Aren't those girls supposed to be insecure?

"Naruto!" She shot up, her arms around me, then suddenly I realized how thin she was "What a surprise! I haven't seen you in such a long time" 

I could only smile and agree to her. I hadn't been a good friend to her; I had been such a bad friend I hadn't noticed her anorexia and her problems. I felt horrible. I knew that I wasn't the one closest to her. It hadn't been mine to figure out, still I wished I could have. 

Ino.

Fuck Ino, how could you have changed so much, yet not change at all?

Instantly she started talking about all the things that didn't matter, but somehow were most important; the little things. She was so thankful choji came everyday, together with shikamaru.   
"I love choji, almost more than any other person in the world, but sometimes I have a hard time looking at him because he's chubby" She admitted with a heavy heart "He reminds me of eating, eating is food, and food makes me feel quite sick" I nodded. Ino told me that she felt like she could tell me anything and I wouldn't judge her. She poked my cheek and sweetly mumbled "I know you have some battle scars or your own" 

My heart skipped a beat. She understood. She said exactly what I wanted to hear (indirectly). She said I was strong. That it was okay to get hurt and that I wasn't the only one. That meant a lot to me. That blondy, with stick like arms and quite pointy cheekbones, said what no friend had ever been able to tell me. Not even my best friend. Not even sakura. 

"Naruto.." Tension. Suddenly the air seemed thick, her feelings painful "How is sakura doing?"

I looked down. Sighed softly. "She's doing fine, school is good like always" 

"Any progress in winning sasuke over?" 

I swallowed heavily. "Not much, I guess, I don't think she's really working on that one anymore" 

For a second we sat quietly. Which was weird because we have to be the persons who speak most in the entire world. But right now; thoughts and pain had taken away our ability to chitchat. Which was until Ino looked up with incredible confidence, as if she was heading into battle as she said: "Okay, I guess I'll just tell you" She breathed in headily and started. 

"As you might know, me and sakura used to be best friends. I think you also know how that whole thing went; it was quite the super love story thing, the perfect way of becoming friends. Sakura got bullied, I helped her, it seems all too perfect. Maybe it was too perfect. Maybe that's why I ended up here, but let's not focus on that.   
As sakura and I were together more I realized how amazing she was more and more. She worked harder than I did, she was as smart and she was pretty. We were best friends but my feelings seemed quite weird. I couldn't quite place them between envy and just love, or looking up to someone.   
Eventually I did place them. This was right before sakura's love for sasuke grew stronger in high school, when she got the guts to actually tell us about it.   
Can you imagine that naruto? Your best friend, the person closest to you, is in love with someone else. Now that wasn't the problem here; don't fucking go think I left sakura just because we were fighting over sasuke. I am not heading there at all. Where I am heading, naruto, is that I used to be in love with sakura" For a second we were both quiet, our uneven heartbeats hurt in the silent room. " Naruto, oh naruto, I was forced to leave her. She kept going on about sasuke. I told her I liked him to; as a mask, or maybe just so she would pay attention to me, I'm not quite sure why but I did. I wondered, why didn't she like me? Of course I am a girl. But why can't I be the kind of girl everyone falls for, women, man and things between it. Am I not sweet enough, attractive enough?" 

"But you a-" 

"Don't, I'm not finished" She smirked and pulled up her eyebrow, lifting the mood a little. "Naruto do you ever feel like you're not good enough?" I nodded "Then what do you think you are doing wrong?" 

I thought for awhile. With sasuke, was any of it my fault. I guess it was.

I was too obnoxious.   
I had no pride to the outside world.   
I'm a man (though I can't change that)   
I'm not calm, not mysterious enough.   
I will never understand his family issues; I don't have a family.   
But can I change any of it?

"Yeah I know that feeling.. I guess it's because i can't understand the life of some people" 

She made a buzzing noise, as if it was a showcase "Wrong, it's because you're not attractive enough. Naruto let me tell you something; if a thin and pretty girl is smart, smart is hot. If a fat and ugly girl is smart she's a filthy nerd. If a thin girl watches series it's cute. If a fat girl does it they say 'go fucking sport or something, disgusting'. If a fat girl messes up people care, if a thin girl messes up they help. Naruto everything is about looks; if you look good you can do everything." She did have a point. But to prove her point even further she screamed out "Sasuke! Take sasuke. We can't get around the fact he's smoking hot. But he's an asshole. Imagine him ugly now, Would he get away with being an asshole?" no "No he wouldn't. Stupid isn't it? He can get away with everything by being hot. So I too-" 

"You realize that being thin is not the same thing as being hot?" 

She looked down for a while "I'm not just thin to be attractive really. You know why I do it? Because If you're feelings are empty and fucked up, it helps to make your body feel the same. It's just bringing things back in balance" 

I couldn't talk back to her. I didn't know how. I too, thought she looked pretty hot. So vonurable. It looked amazing. I could see her longing for a cigarette. I could see her throwing food in someone's face. Rebelious. No I had to admit she looked beautiful. I couldn't see her any other way now. But if I could, I would probably be fine with it too. 

"I won't Ino, you need to do what feels right for you, but pain is not the right feeling" She nodded "And about sakura.. I know exactly what you mean" I wanted to tell her that sakura send me here, but it somehow didn't seem right. 

Ino and I sat talking about everything and nothing for the longest time. Until I got kicked out, which was somewhere around evening time. As I walked outside I realized that I'd hate to be alone during dinner. I thought of how I normally ate; in the same room as sasuke, annoying him by trying to take his attention. 

Eventually I ate alone. I could barely get a bite through my throat. Maybe it really was as she said. But my body was doing it on it's own, like I had done before shikamaru had come to my place; my body was just measuring the physical and mental pain. Now it was trying to make them equals again. My body had to catch up on all the emptiness inside of me. To all the pain in my heart and mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please leave a comment of kudos ^^


	7. melted into flames.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sai happens, sex happens, sas happens.

How did it end up this way? Who's smell is this?  
It wasn't sasuke's.. then why was there a hot body against mine? Why was bare skin hitting mine if I wasn't sharing a bed with sasuke?  
I opened my eyes. Ah, yesterday's guy. I never really asked his name, did I?   
There was some kind of emptiness in my as he slept against my chest. 

\----

I remember I was looking at a painting when I first saw him. It was somewhere around half past 11, I'm not sure, the last time I had looked at a clock had been quite some time ago, my wild guess is supposed to cover that. I felt alone at home. Somehow I got myself together enough to actually do anything about it. I went to a club. I think it was a normal club, no gay club whatsoever so ending up with a man in my bed is quite the achievement.   
As I was looking at the painting the guy walked up behind me, a smile on his face, though it was no genuine smile, quite the creepy one. "you like it?" he asked. 

I thought for a while, then eventually answered "it's small-" 

"so is your dick" 

I grunted "what the fuck, calm down weirdo, my sentence wasn't finished yet" I took a deep breath "It's small but it's impressive, hard to understand" for a while we looked at each other. We looked each other up and down. He had a slightly too short shirt and a extremely white face (not just pale like sasuke but seriously white). His pants hung low and his hips were slightly feminine. He could have been with ion in the clinic, as he was incredibly thin. Though that probably also had something to do with the fact he was asian. 

"I made that painting" he said eventually, after we seemed to have gotten enough of looking at each other. 

"really?" 

He nodded "say, this might be weird to ask.. but may I draw you" 

A wave went through me. I guess that's when I felt like there was something more than emptiness. I realized I needed people around me. Shikamaru, Ino, Itachi or even this guy. Small words had always been the things that kept me going. Together with sasuke. I didn't need them because I was blind and deaf looking at sasuke. I loved it that way. I'd do anything to have it that way again, but for now.. I had to listen to these small words. 

"Yes. Yes you can. Though I'd like to stay.. you know.. clothed" I can't believe I actually said that now. Since I ended up more than just naked. 

He had his painting stuff with him. he always did he said, since every time he went somewhere some kind of inspiration would hit him. I didn't quite understand why he didn't just take a small sketching book; no he had big papers and fucking paint in all the colors. I thought he was weird; incredibly weird. He did have me interested. Something new. I wanted something new, that is all the reasoning I could give. I didn't think anything could get any worse so I had decided to just flow with it. Take all the chances I could, that's what I was going to do. 

So true indeed, I saw this as something new; a chance. 

 

Eventually we ended up in my house. Me half naked and him concentrating on my bare chest. "Why did you ask to draw me so suddenly?"

"Paint, and it's because you have sun kissed skin" I thought for a second. Sunkissed he said. He was the palest person I had ever seen and he wanted to draw me because of my tan?

"Because you can't get a tan?" Okay, maybe a bit offensive. 

He laughed softly "I can, but it doesn't fit me. It's not just the tan though. It's some kind of mask you give, your smile, your body, it all makes you look happy.. but then you have those bags under your eyes.." 

"It doesn't match?" 

He nodded "it doesn't.. but I love it"

 

All this time he had been painting. I shifted in my chair. Awkwardly. Telling the Adhd kid to sit still is always something funny. He was looking so intense it made me awkward. I had told him I preferred to go to my home. Because it would be less awkward, I would feel at ease. He loved the idea. Another home was another mood and another mood was another style painting. I can't remember how many times I asked if I could get something to drink. But eventually, I sat still. I thought about every thing in my life. I could think calmly. Not do anything about all of it, but I could think. It was wonderful. 

"uhh.. " My eyes shot open, I didn't know when I had started looking down like that "could you, pull out your jeans too?" 

I coughed a little feeling a chunk in my troath "Naked?" 

"I would love that.. but no, you can keep your underwear on" 

I did. I pulled out my jeans and sat in my striped loose boxer. Sasuke had hated my boxers. He told me that they didn't work, he didn't understand why I even bothered wearing underwear if it was going to be a loose piece of fabric. Then again sakura told me all the girls would fall for it, I just expected it to work both sides. How had I managed to not tell sakura I like guys (sasuke) anyway? Come on, I understand that telling her I like sasuke is something I just can't and probably won't be able to tell but I could just tell her I like guys? It had been that way for quite a while. It's not like I'm going through the smoking gay experience, It'll be easy to tell. It just never crossed my mind. It would be weird for sasuke; living with a gay guy. People would start questioning him about it. But now.. I didn't have to avoid that. Sasuke wasn't here. At the moment he wasn't even in my life, I could only pray he could come back.

Without me noticing it the guy had come closer. He smiled a little, as if apologizing for scaring me, still he didn't speak. He breathed out and studied my body carefully. His hand stroked my back. As if he was checking if it bended the exact perfect way. When he was finished his hand left my back and came back on my chest, stroking down to my abs. I let him. He seemed satisfied by the attribute called a body; my body. It was simply a body now, not a person. This man didn't know me. This man didn't know my story. I was just a body. A tanned, blue eyes one. 

I felt good being just a body without a story. 

 

"I finished the other drawing.. but can I make one of your back?" 

I nodded asking "Can I see it?" 

"After I finished this one, my painting might be so bad you don't want me to make another one" 

I felt happy. I nodded without hesitation as I realized that I indeed should take all the chances. New people make me happy, they really do. 

 

The guy's cold hands toughed my underwear. For a second I though he was going to try and get his way with me. That the guy was gay was something I had known first time I had laid eyes on him. 

He didn't. He pushed my underwear down so you could see half of my ass. I Knew.. that in most art of the top, that bit of the ass is showing to. So I didn't mind I let him. Now that I was comfortable I would probably bearably have minded to be naked. 

 

"So naruto, you mind telling me what has got you looking so tired?"

I sighed. Of course this was going to come "Do you mind if I mind? I was feeling kind of like a new person, a person without a story I mean" 

He nodded understanding "I have that too sometimes. AFter the worst thing in my life happened I actually forgot quite a few things about my old life." 

"I'm sorry.. Though. it doesn't sound all bad" 

He didn't reply. He was drawing so concentrated. 

 

When we were finished I pulled open sasuke's whine. I didn't want to drink it with sasuke, I wanted to drink it now. No miserable beer. I wanted to drink wine, as if I was enjoying life with an artist. 

The man, he was quite amazing. He had a weird way of thinking and he shared it with me in a normal conversation. He told me a theory about smiling, that people are intimidated by a smile, that people don't know what to do with it. It was true. At first I had been intimidated by his smile to. We started telling each other personal things. It didn't matter what we told each other. Like he said "We were strangers seconds ago, now we're brothers, tomorrow we're strangers again. I don't know people you know, you don't know people I know.. We won't care about what the other tells us" . So I did tell him all my worries. Not even like I did with shikamaru, or like I did with itachi. With both I had been in a rage of anger. Yelling out, cursing sasuke. With both I had held myself in from any details; they are friends and brothers. It only seemed fair to both sasuke and itachi that I didn't detail any of the sex. But now.. Now I told all of it, the guy did too. He told me he had lost his brother, he forgot things, he started making even more art; there was nothing more in his life than art. He didn't go to school and moved out of his orphanage soon after. The fact he was an orphan too somehow did me good. 

 

Eventually he just announced "I want to have sex with you" 

"just like that?" 

He nodded steadily "Yes. It's because we are strangers, we can do anything we want, we should make the most of it" 

I thought about it for a while. It was weird just announcing it like that but I didn't really mind. The idea didn't seem bad to me. Then again, I had never in my whole life had sex with anyone but sasuke. This felt like a big step to me. Though then again maybe it was a step I should make. 

"I don't even know your name" 

"True, but that's the point. Today we know each others story, we know the body; but who we are supposed to be, we forget, we become a new person and leave the stories behind" 

"So you're saying we have sex to forget all that has happened, to become someone new?" 

"Yes." 

I sat still for a while "But I have someone I love" 

"Love is in the heart. Naruto is your dick your heart?" 

"The way you say dick is terrifying and you say it way too much'" 

He smiled "Not the point, your answer?" 

 

And we did. We did have sex. I wanted to have sex with him to forget sasuke. Though I hadn't forgotten him for one second. Sometimes I clearly thought of him, sometimes my love for him just judged me from somewhere in my body. Still, I moaned under the man. Not like I would have with sasuke. I didn't get the same waves of excitement. Not the same thrills. Basically; I wasn't in love with this man. But it was good. It was good to know what I can have. To know that I'm good and to know that people would want me. Other people. 

It was also good to know that i didn't love sasuke just because I had had sex with him. I had sex with this man, and there was still not a bit of a crush of love. It was sex. Just sex and it was good. That's all. 

 

 

\--------

 

I sat up in my bed. The man next to me. His pale skin seemed even paler, though his face was more real; now that his screwed up smile had fallen. He didn't even seem mad. Just a little moody, like everyone did early in the morning. The nameless man. The stranger. We were strangers, now we could get to know each other by name, like everyone else, we had enjoyed being strangers now. 

I saw him open his eyes slowly. First he looked in front of him for a while, then he looked at me. "Goodmorning" I mumbled smiling happily. It was quite the genuine smile. I felt empty but at the same time I felt like I could fill that up with many new things. The first thing was smiling at this man. 

"mornin" 

"How did you sleep?" 

"Fine" 

We looked at each other for a while. Up and down, like we had done the day before. Then finally as if we had to make sure we knew the people we were at this moment inside out, so that we could remember then when we left them, he shook out his hand. I took it. "Naruto uzumaki" 

"Sai" 

"Without a surname?" he nodded "Okay then, sai, I'm going to make us something to eat. I hope you like Ramen. Also do you prefer tea of coffee? I also have water but no soda" 

"Coffee please" ahh, another man of coffee. 

 

I put on hot water. The clock said it was half past 12 pm. I didn't even know how we could sleep that long, but it sure as hell did me good. Though i kind of hoped I still looked 'hideous' as itachi had said. Sakura was coming by today to check up on me. I was surprised I could even get her (and everyone in college) to believe I was really ill but then again I had silently hoped she would really leave it at that; of course she didn't. I could indeed tell her something that came closer to the truth; I didn't feel like going to school. I felt like shit. I was doing some self discovering and I had had sex with some guy, I also went to see ino and searched for comfort in the arms of sasuke's brother. Okay maybe I should leave some parts out? Then I mean, some parts apart from the part I wouldn't tell anyway; I'm madly in love with sasuke. 

I reacted to gaara's good morning text and then to itachi's question about how my day had been(Which I hadn't seen the day before). Gaara's good morning texts had been things I woke up for. Cute. Such a big change. 

 

Then, as I was busy pouring water over the ramen, I heard the door open. Not the 'you left the door open' kind of open but the kind of 'key in the  
lock' kind of open. It scared the hell out of me. It meant sasuke was here. Sasuke. Sasuke. Sasuke. Sasuke was here. And there was a man in my bed. But that was not necessarily something he had to see. Unless things got out of the hand again. That way we would end up almost having sex. Also I couldn't take too long; say would come out eventually. Maybe I should just move him over to his (untouched) room. 

"naruto" That voice. That voice let my heart sink into my belly, my chest painful trying to pull it back in it's place, my head heavy by sending blood to the chest. 

I turned around, pushed one bowl of ramen out of sight. "sasuke.. Hi, what are you doing here?" 

This tension is inhuman "I didn't mean to push you away. You know just as good as I do that we can't deny.. what we are" I nodded "But you also know I can't date you or anything, love is so complicated, this isn't love bu-" 

I started stressing a little "Sasuke uh, could we do this another time?" 

"No?" 

I was doing what he was doing last time. Trying to safe my ass at the cost of his feelings. But his feelings weren't clear. he just wanted to say he wanted sex with me again. 

 

I heard the door open behind me. My heart skipping a beat. I wanted to die right that moment. "Naruko, naruto, whatever, are you-" He stopped. 

"Who's that?" I heard sasuke grunt. 

Sai looked up, his scary smile back on his face "Sai, I'm naruto's cousin, are you sasuke?" 

What? "Cousin? Naruto is blond with blue eyes, dickhead" Ouch 

"Then I'm his…" 

"Type, your his type, or fuckbuddy, also you are half naked" 

He was mad. Seriously mad. Which I could understand, but at the same time it had nothing to do with it. 

"You're one to talk, we'll you're not half naked but yeah.. you know" 

I didn't know what to do. 

"Naruto what the fuck?!" sasuke's eyes burned against me "you told h.. " 

He turned around "sasuke! fuck." I swallowed "You can't blame me. You hurt me and I'm trying to find the right glue" 

"Having sex with every man alive is the right glue?" I fell silent. I had only had sex with one man. One fucking man. But would telling him this help? No. No it wouldn't. It didn't matter how many men, as long as they weren't sasuke it was a problem. It was foolish and it was without love. "exactly"   
That was the last thing he said before turning around again, calmly closing the door, which pissed me off more than throwing it would have done. 

 

For a while it was silent in the room. Neither me or sai said anything. Eventually sai walked up to me, mumbled "I feel like I should say sorry.. but I really don't want to" 

I turned to look at him "No, you don't have to, it's got nothing to do with you" 

"Even if we're not strangers anymore" 

I nodded. 

"You know.. I'm not sorry for what I did.. but I am sorry that he's such an asshole, like.. you deserve better" 

"Thanks but he's the only one I want" 

 

That was the last thing we said. Sai took the ramen and we ate in silence. We didn't put each others phone number in the others phone; we didn't want to. Maybe one day, when we met, we would be like strangers again, and we could live like there was no tomorrow again. Right now I was broken again, I was naruto again, sasuke had made me naruto again. 

 

\--

 

By the time sai left it was somewhere around 2. It took sakura another hour to show up. An hour I spend in boredom. Back to sulking. Though I won't go into further detail about how I sulked. I understand that you didn't start reading this just to know how I whine sulk and cry about sasuke with every detail. 

Anyway when sakura did show up she immediately hit my head. This is probably her first things first aditude finding hitting me most important. "Why didn't you tell me where you were?" 

I grinned awkwardly rubbing the place she had hit "I was kind of busy?" 

"With what!? You told me you were ill!" 

I looked to the side "uh, well I can explain, let's get some drinks first" 

We did. Saskura calmed down, me silently thanking god, or whoever. 

"Now tell me" she said. She seemed stressed. I undersood; I had never kept things from her. 

I played with the glass of water in my hand. "It's nothing special really.. It's just that, you know sasuke moved out and all and that's totally fine but I just felt.. empty or something" I bit my lip, wondering how to tell her "So I kind of went places.. like somehow everywhere in three days or something?" 

"what do you mean? What places exactly?" 

"Well I fought with sasuke over something stupid again, so then I met his brother, I had like.. a nice talk with his brother, itachi, they hate each other by the way." I thought three seconds before saying the next "Also I went to see ino" 

She perked up. "How was she?" 

"Great, she seemed to be doing fine, she talked a lot and confident like always. She is thin but it looks.. so perfect" Sakura seemed to take this as an reason to breath easily. Now that I knew Ino's story, it hurt me to see these two not having contact like this. "Maybe you should go see her sometime too" 

"I don't know.. I'll think about it" 

For a second we din't do anything but looking at the ground, she was thinking about what she had done to Ino. If she had made the right choice. I let her be. It was good for her to think. 

Eventually she said "okay.. go on" 

"well yesterday, after I went to see Ino I went to club.. and well I kind of ended up with a guy" 

"with a guy? what do you-" 

"-sex, with a guy as in having sex" 

"Oh.. well that's new" 

"Not really, I have been bisexual for quite some time" 

Sakura looked down, frowning " why didn't you tell me before, I mean, it's fine" 

I smiled at her, I indeed did feel bad for doing so "I just didn't quite feel the need to do so, and also it would have been weird if you knew because Sasuke lived here and you would have thought something was going on, which isn't the case at all" Good job not really lying, naruto, fucking great. 

She seemed to buy it all. "But naruto that's okay! who is the guy? Is he cute?" 

"Just a artist who wanted to draw me, I guess he was kind of cute, but it's not like anything more is going to happen" 

"what why?" 

I sighed "Because it was just us, as strangers, having a good time" 

 

We ate and drank some before one of us spoke up again. This time it was sakura. 

"naruto, I didn't want to say this because you were feelings down but-" She was smiling so happily "Today.. before I came here, sasuke finally asked me on a date" My heart shattered "I didn't want to get my hopes up, not before now and not now actually " Then don't. Sakura he's gay. your my best friend my sister. I won't let him kiss you with a mouth that has touched my dick "I can't help but getting my hopes up, naruto things are working out for me" I wanted to die. 

I didn't. 

I smiled. 

"Sakura that's great! that's amazing, I'm so happy for you" 

Liar. 

"Thank you" 

 

 

\-------- 

 

I rang sasuke's bell so many times it almost annoyed myself. 

Knocked the door. 

Screamed his name. 

I didn't even give him enough time to answer. 

 

Eventually he did. Annoyed. 

"Naruto, stop" 

I glared at him. "Really? Really sasuke? Sakura, fucking sakura, you couldn't choose another person to feed your lies" 

he pulled up one eyebrow " I don't think you're one to judge me" 

"What do you mean?" 

For a second everything stood still. He was thinking. I was too confused to keep my way of being mad up. 

"Sakura.. she's like a sister like person to you right?" 

I nodded "yeah, that's why I'm trying to fucking protect her against you" 

"yeah I know.. it's kind of messed up to use siblings and stuff but.. I'm not the first" 

Was he heading to the fact I had seen itachi? How did he know? That time.. it was so short. Had itachi contacted him? Why would Itachi do that?

"Sasu-" 

"No, like, it's fine that you screw around with every man you see, it's not like it's any of my business, it's the same the other way around" 

I grunted anger boiling inside of me again. "I didn't have sex with itachi" 

"Noo, of course, he just happened to find your phone"

"What?" 

"That morning I called to talk and the only person I hate picked up, naruto, that's what" that's what. Oh. My heart sunk. That must have hurt him, a lot. I was the bad guy now. I was the only one who was wrong. Wether I had slept with itachi or not didn't matter. 

"I didn't mean to, I was hurt and gave in" I whispered. 

"Yeah it's fine, we're not dating, you owe me no explanation" 

Pain shots through me. "Yes I do! I love you" 

"Naruto this isn't love" 

I rolled my eyes "I know what I feel" 

"Not enough to stay alone for three seconds! How was Itachi? Did he take you or you him? Did he smell like traitor or like uchiha?" he was yelling. He was really in pain. He hated Itachi; I couldn't understand why. 

"He's no traitor, just because he actually has feelings" 

Sasuke snorted "fuck naruto; I wouldn't be leaving like this if he had stayed" 

"He chose himself above his family, there is nothing wrong with that!" 

"There is in my world!" 

For a second we looked at each other. So intense I could feel out hearts beat together. Eventually I broke the silence. 

"That morning, when I woke up in his bed, he was working hard like you always do, but when I woke up he looked at me and told me "good morning" and somehow all I could think of was that you never looked at me when saying that, you never took your time to ask me if I was okay" 

"Because I can see without asking" 

"I feel invisible I like I used to be again!" 

 

Silence. 

I could hear him swallow, I could hear my teeth click together over and over again, nervously. 

 

"What did you with itachi?" 

He looked down "I talked about you, not in much detail, I cried, drank, kissed him one time and then fell asleep" 

Sasuke nodded "and the other guy?" 

"We had sex" 

He nodded again, his thumb against his under lip. A glare planted on his face. 

"It wasn't much. It was all just silent pain and apologies. There was no such thing as the way our bodies connect; it wasn't as intense" 

"We're you testing if it would be?" 

He nodded "Maybe I was, trying to figure out if I could make making love to you.. something without love" 

He swallowed "Tell me when you can" 

I looked at him. My eyes probably looking like the ones of a lost puppy. I didn't think i want to, but I wanted our bodies to connect again; it would make me feel like I was closer to our souls connecting too. I couldn't reply though. Not with anything. 

"and until then sasuke, are you just going to ignore me in every way?" 

"no.. No I won't naruto. It'll all go back to normal." 

To being friends? will we be able to really? Am I fine with going on without a change? Will I find replacement? Maybe I should, if that's the only way to stay with sasuke. Maybe I could do it.


	8. the sun flickers.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sasuke is an asshole, gaara is cute, sasuke is a cute asshole. 
> 
> Oh and a flashback.

I looked at sasuke. Everything was a blur, his face seemed bright. My heart was beating heavily. Sasuke had told me he had never brought anyone home, only know I knew what kind of pressure that brought. I didn't let it show; he didn't comfort me. It was so typically us again. Always. Over and over again. 

"Dad, I want you to mee-" 

"I'm busy" his dad didn't look up. He didn't wonder what his son was about to say. He didn't care. 

I watched sasuke as he looked down. I was wondering why he didn't say anything. I didn't realize back then, that sasuke wouldn't ever speak up to his father. I waited. I waited patiently for sasuke to speak up. 

Eventually I did. Instead of sasuke. 

"My name is naruto uzumaki" I grinned cockily, hiding my fear. 

Finally the man looked at me. "An uzumaki huh?" 

At first I didn't know what he was talking about. Then it hit my young brain; he had known my parents. My mother, at least. 

"You knew my parents!?" I yelled. 

"No. My wife did" 

I perked up. My heart beating heavily. Sasuke fearing I would freak out. "Tell me! please?! What kind of people?! Do you have pictures, or stories or-" 

"sasuke" he was looking back to his work "Take him out" 

Anger hit me "But! You can't ju-" Sasuke took my arm. Telling me to shut up. I couldn't. "Please!? I need to know!" sasuke pulled me out. He digger his nails into my skin. I didn't know why he did. For once I did listen to him. I thought he was going to show me pictures of my parents. Tell me to ask it later on. I thought he was going to help me with the thing that was most important to me. 

 

Eventually we stood outside. "Sasuke, when can I ask him about my parents?" 

"You can't." 

I grunted "And your mum? Can I ask your mum?" 

"She died" 

For a second we looked at each other. Both filled up with sadness. "Imagine not knowing your mum, sasuke. I want to-" 

"I'm not going to go against my father" 

 

That was what he did he never went against his father. At the time I had already screamed about it. Called sasuke most horrible names. That's also when I met Itachi; he was the one to calm me down. He had promised me that he'd talk to his father, instead of sasuke; that's what had gotten me calm. Later on I found out that his father disliked my family for some reason. He had asked sasuke not to take me home again. Itachi had never gotten the chance to ask about it again; he walked away from home. 

I heard myself scream at sasuke; my voice still the voice I had at that time. I asked him to take me home. To speak up. 

 

 

I opened my eyes. My body covered in sweat. My room wasn't particularly warm neither cold. The dream I had had. Yes, that was probably the cost. I hadn't thought of that day in such a long time, though at the time I had felt so broken. I had believed the empty words of the damned uchiha's. Back then I was disappointed in sasuke. All my love and all my admiration had washed away that disappointment. 

My head turned to my alarm clock. It was weekend. I had spend two day at college again. It was boring. Empty without sasuke. Now people weren't looking at me because I was with the uchiha, it was because I wasn't with him. The fact people saw us as one was incredibly satisfying. But the fact we were growing apart was also slammed into my face quite a lot. 

 

I heard a knock on my door. Again I looked at the clock, trying not to forget to check the time like last time. It was 1 pm. I sighed. I was waking up later every day. Was I that tired? Or was it because I didn't go to sleep when I used to. I didn't even look at the clock anymore. How late did I go to sleep yesterday? or was it today? Midnight. Was it around 1 or around 4. I don't know. 

 

I stood up "hold up, I'm coming!" 

Still in my underwear only I quickly took my key and unlocked the door (when I say quickly I mean, quick for me, I'm bad with locks and doors, don't ask me why). Opening the door I saw no one other but Gaara. Of course, I had told him to come by. I'm such a fuckhad, completely forgetting important things. "Hi gaara" He blushed ten shades of pink, till it was almost the same colour as his hair. Credit on me for forgetting the guy was antisocial because those faces have to be the cutest thing I have ever seen. God, this emotionless guy was starting to develop one real cute emotions. 

I acted as if I had seen nothing. Walked in and mentioned for him to follow me "I'm going to put on some clothes, so if you'll wait here" when I looked over my shoulder I swear I saw him avoiding looking at me. No stern glare, no frown, just avoiding my body with a gaze of a lost puppy. 

 

He waited patiently as I put on a dark jeans and a white shirt. Smelling my arm pits in-between; it wasn't that bad yet, axe would cover it. 

When I came back gaara was still standing, looking around him. 

"It's okay to sit down you know" 

"yeah.. uh" 

I grinned, genuinely happy for once "You can sit anywhere, chances I move around are big, eventually I'll probably sit on the floor" 

Of all the places he sat down on sasuke's spot. The chair on the right. The one that was worst for watching television. The one that made sure you didn't sit in any comfortable position. 

I asked him if he wanted something to drink. Which he turned down. Until I pushed some more. "thee" he said eventually. I was happy. Finally another thee person. Until now I've had a thing of coffee people. Because it's the opposite of me, I guess. I mentally hit myself. It's because sasuke does it. I unconsciously search for people like him. 

 

The first moments were quite awkward. I talked a lot while he just silently nodded, eventually even I started finding me annoying. Though I hope he didn't feel the same about it. 

Eventually he started talking back, agreeing with me together with arguments. While trying to get this guy to talk I had forgotten the world around me. Happiness even hit me as he started talking about himself more. We were the same age, though we were both born in a different year, we were only a few months apart; still I was the older one. Quite satisfying; I was never the oldest. I know I sound childish. 

He admitted beating some guys up after I asked about it. He brushed it off though, acting as if it wasn't much, trying not to tell much about it. I figured he had anger problems so I told him about mine. 

 

Eventually we were interrupted by my angry stomach. I grinned. "Gaara" he nodded "I'm treating you to lunch" 

"It's like, five o clock?" 

I chuckled "Man, you've become so sassy in a few hours.. but anyway, I haven't eaten anything yet" 

"You should have said so earlier" 

"Yeah yeah, I forgot" 

 

 

"So I was like, really fucking hungry you know, and I don't have any parents, and like.. My orphanage sucked big time. Anyway, I was hungry, and I had ran away from the orphanage and I came here, and I asked the old man if I could buy ramen for the money I had. As a little kid I didn't realize that of course I couldn't, it was a dollar or something. SO, he told me that I had to ask my parents for some more. Me being the honest kid I have always been, told him that I didn't have parents and I had ran away- not the best idea I know- but, he gave me some Ramen with pork! that was seeing the light for me. That Ramen with pork had enough love for m e to stay alive!" gaara smiled, almost chuckled "but no seriously, I thought all people were bad but the old man proved me wrong" 

 

Eventually gaara bought a Ramen with pork on my recommendation. I wasn't allowed to pay for him. He said that would hurt his pride. I didn't know why every person I met was so obsessed with pride but I let them be. I just wanted him to know what I knew when eating my first pork Ramen. There is love in this world, he was worth that love. I wasn't the one to give it to him, I wasn't fixed enough to play glue, but someone was. 

"How is it?" 

He seemed to be thinking "good" 

"Not freakin delicious? Haven't seen heaven yet?" 

"I just think you're a man of food naruto" 

I nodded grinning "True" 

 

 

\----

 

When we came home again we drank another warm cup of thee, putting on a movie we were both not really interested in. I started telling gaara about my lust to meet my parents. I didn't know anything about them. Not even their name. He told me he understood me. That's when he told me he had lost his mother. 

With a voice as if nothing was going on he said "She died giving birth to me. My uncle told me that her heart beat stopped as she breathed in my scent. Tears in my red hair." 

I got shivers as he mumbled that. His way of choosing words so emotional, his voice without any. "She loved you"

He nodded "But I killed her" 

Anger hit me. Pain too. He had been blaming himself all this time. 

I took his face in my hand, pushing his cheeks together, looking into his eyes as stern as I could. He seemed incredibly shocked, I heard our hearts "That's not true gaara, not true at all" 

He looked down, my grip softened, my hand stayed on his cheek "that's not true. Don't you fucking say that. She would hate that. I hate that. Please don't" 

 

When I let go of him gaara felt his cheeks, as if my touch had burned him. As if he could still feel my hand on there. "Sorry" I whispered, thinking I had been too harsh. 

"Don't be" he replied. 

 

The next day sasuke came to my apartment, he acted like nothing was going on perfectly. As did I. 

"do you know gaara?" 

he looked up from his work. He had been here for work for a while now. He told me his place wasn't necessary lonely; I didn't believe any of it. He wanted to come home. His home here, with me. 

"What gaara?" 

"subaku, is that japanese? he's not japanese.. I think" 

Sasuke looked at me with one eyebrow raised "Subaku? That's that weird family, I know them" 

Family, family, family, doesn't sasuke know people? he only knows families. "Yeah, that's the one. Anyway, he's a really nice guy. "

"He's not the person you should befriend" 

I sighed "You just look at it differently" 

He ignored that and looked back at his files. 

 

I smiled and took out a sketching book, trying to draw sasuke. "Didn't know you sketched" 

"I got the idea somewhere, someone sketched me" 

"Ah, the power of art" 

"Oy can you stop being an sarcastic dick, I'm trying to draw something" I said way too loud. Sasuke chuckled, his hair moved as his cheeks changed form, a smile placed on his face. My heart skipped a beat, I was happy yet at the same time devastated. He was beautiful, yet so complicated. 

 

It was kind of weird. When he told me 'it will all go back to normal' I didn't think it actually would. But here he was sitting on my cough. Knowing how much I freaking desired to be with him; yet he was calmly sitting and looking at his damned files. Of course this was better than fighting. Best chance at winning him over was acting as if I didn't love him. 

He ignored the fact I was in love with him anyway. In a while it would be forgotten. We would fully be to be normal; having sex again. 

 

"Have you had contact with Itachi?" 

First thing I wanted to do was lie. No I haven't. I haven't talked to him. I don't have his number. Who the fuck even is this itachi? someone you know?

I'm not good at lying. 

I know that. 

"Yeah.. he has texted me" Sasuke nodded, I looked at him carefully, searching for an emotion, an hint. It never came. "I could stop replying, if that helps" 

"do whatever, I don't care" 

Someone screamed on tv, a drama, probably a sucky boyfriend or a bitchy girl.   
I sighed, focussing on my sketchbook again , knowing I wouldn't get a lot more out of sasuke. 

"any progress with the drawing?" 

I shook my head "though it's probably because I know you so well, I can't be satisfied" 

"maybe ones you get better, at the time, you need to give it to me as a gift" 

I snorted, half laughed "Sure, what a surprise it'll be then" 

"Of course, I don't know when you'll be good" 

I smiled "fine then" 

For a second we just looked at each other. I was happy. I wanted to touch him, I just knew I couldn't. I had to forget sasuke. Well not forget him but I had to forget being in a relation with him. Maybe just.. if I was able to fall in love again. Going on dates, it would be the answer here. Able to see sasuke as just a friend; if that was possible. It would be worth it, just so I could look at him like this more often, so he could loom at me more often. 

Then, as if happiness Is something I will never be allowed to have my phone rang. 

I looked Itachi it said. 

Quickly I got up "Have to take this one" I mumbled to sasuke as I moved to my bedroom. 

I hear him mumble "No shit" at the moment I closed the door behind me. 

 

"Hey" 

"Great timing asshole" I mumbled, I know he was smiling on the other side of the line. 

"why thank you, you see, I was born with very useful talents" 

I grinned "Very original uchiha" 

"Well mister uzumaki, I just happen to like your quote" 

"Understandable, it's one of my useful talents" 

I heard him chuckle on the other side of the line. Then the was a heavy silence. The world stopping for a slight second, we moved from funny to deep in seconds. 

"How have you been naruto?" 

"I've been fine, actually" and I had been, I had been better at least. 

"You sound honest" 

"So now uchiha's have a hidden talent for knowing if someone is honest?" 

He laughed "No no that's me, actually the rest of the family isn't as good in it as I am" 

"Don't doubt it" I had an insane smile on my face. For now, even if I didn't have sasuke's love, everything was fine. 

"I'm glad you're okay" 

"Me to, and itachi?" I heard him 'hn' "I'm sorry, but we should stay out of contact, for sasuke" 

"sure naruto I understand, I'll miss talking to you, I'm hanging up now" 

"Good luck" 

"What?" 

"With hanging up" 

"Oh" 

"well?" 

"ah yeah, bye naruto" 

I laughed "bye itachi"

Before walking out I looked at my phone for a second, a small smile on my face. I had done right, for sasuke. I walked back to the living room, my heart beating weirdly at the thought of being with sasuke after a moment of comfort. I wanted to prove myself right, though I knew there was nothing I could prove. The only thing was that he did feel something for me, but could I ever prove that?

I stood still. 

Sasuke had left. 

The only thing I could think was how he had heard me talking to itachi. 

"Sasuke?!" I called out, as there was no trace of him leaving, but no answer came. 

I swallowed loudly, even surprising myself. "sasuke?" It was nothing more than a whisper. 

"Fuck! fuck fuck fuck!" I fucked up. I screamed, surprisingly my voice worked again.


	9. bursted.

The next morning my head was hurting. Nothing as good for getting a head ache as worrying too much. Or maybe it wasn't too much. I have no idea what sasuke will do, I never do. 

"good morning!" Sakura cheerfully said as I walked up to her. It was calm in the hallways, next period for us was in a little more than an hour. 

"Morning sakura chan" 

"Naruto you should totally hear what happened yesterday! it was amazing and so surprising." 

I smiled at her "Yeay yeah! tell me but first- have you seen sasuke?" 

"That's what I was going to tell you!" please tell me he didn't "He kissed me yesterday! Like, not a peck on my lips but the whole french kiss holding my hips shit" 

"Oh" 

"Yes oh! Do you have any idea how good he can kiss?" yes I do "The fuck did he learn to kiss like that anyway? Well of course he's a grown man but do you know if he ever hooked up with girls? You've never told me such a think at least" He learned it from practicing with me sakura. He learned it because we both have a horrible temper and lack of social contacts we trust.

I wanted to puke "not often, no, he never really brings girls home" 

"It's so crazy! he kissed so manly to, like damn, he knows how to handle a women perfectly"   
I wanted sakura to disappear, or me, I didn't really care which one. At the moment I silently hated her, though I knew none of this was her fault, she didn't even know. 

"I bet he does" 

Somehow I had given sakura the idea I loved her story because she felt the need to tell every single detail about her encounter with sasuke. She felt the need to explain how his hold and his lips felt, she was bad at explaining it, yes sasuke's they were soft but that's as far as it was right. He had brought her to his apartment and they had kissed on the cough. On the same cough we had sex on, the same cough we had laid together lovingly. More than that, he had kissed her in the same apartment I had confessed. It hurt me. All he was trying to do was piss me off. Though if that wasn't the case, as much of a bad friend that makes me, it would only be worse. 

I stood up. "what are you going to do?" 

"congratulate my best friend on something big, what else?" I grinned at her. Her heartwarming smile widened. Then it fell again. 

"You can't skip school" 

"You can do anything if you believe in it sakura"  
Yeah, I can't believe I actually said that either, even as a joke. If there's one quote I didn't believe in at the moment it had to be that one. Though it wasn't just one, at that moment I believed in nothing. I felt empty, my mind was blank. I walked, but didn't see where I was going. I was incredibly mad, I was disappointed and surprised sasuke could actually do things like that. Of course I knew he was an asshole but now he was just.. I don't even know. Heartless maybe?

 

I rang the bell of sasuke's apartment so many times I bearably know how long I stood there. Never did he answer. 

Without calming even a little bit I turned and stormed to my own apartment. And there he was. He looked at me, standing next to the dinning table. "I forgot some files ye-" 

I stormed his way, then hit his emotionless face. "Sasuke you fucking asshole! Go screwing people if you want to make me jealous that bad but don't get Sakura involved!" 

"Who says I did anything to make you jealous?" Sasuke hissed while holding his cheek.

I snorted "Your mask is not as amazing as you think"

"Sakura is a better kisser than you thi-" I hit his head and then pushed it on the table.His cheek pushed against the cold perfect wood. 

"Don't you fucking say that" I hissed. We were both breathing heavily. I knew he did these things to piss me off. There was no other reason he'd go to sakura; who was alternative and together with that more complicated than his other fangirls, if it had nothing to do with me. "don't you dare, sasuke" 

sasuke smirked "what else? You'll tell sakura? You'll kill me? Hate me? Can you do that to your best friend? The one you love" 

All my emotions rushed through me. I pushed his face on the table harder, until I was sure the half of his face would be red after. Then, as if I had no feelings, as if I was an animal, I pushed his pants down. Sasuke groaning, not nececairily with anger. At the moment I couldn't place it, I now know it was a groan of emotional pain. 

But never did he say anything. Even as he felt me pushing against his ass. He didn't try to stop me. 

"Can any girl give you what I can?" 

Sasuke didn't answer. He stayed silent, which was until I pushed my hard on inside of him. He yelled out, tears forming in his eyes, but never coming out. Of course, this wasn't possible, not healthy. A men's body shouldn't be able to take it. Still I couldn't hold back. I wanted to hear his voice. I wanted him to tell me he needed me. But my rage had me in a small box, I couldn't get out and no matter how hard I tried, I hurt sasuke. 

I moaned loudly. Sasuke had tears in his eyes, moaned, but didn't fight. My eyes were blurry too, but not for the same reason. 

"can she.." I moaned. 

I rammed inside of him as he I didn't know him, as if he was a object, still I wanted to love his body at mind, I couldn't stop myself. "N-No" sasuke moaned out. 

"Then why?!" 

He gasped for breath, but didn't reply as I kept going. He was bleeding, but his body moved with me. 

"I love you" I whispered. 

 

Right after the sex, which could probably be called rape,I didn't know what to do. Sasuke had passed out right after and I felt more than horrible. I kept whispering sorry to sasuke, but he couldn't hear me. His eyes were closed and his body numb. I cleaned him up and but him in bed, almost gagged at how much blood I got off his body. Not because the blood disgusted me. I did. I disgusted me. I wanted to die, I wanted to turn back time. I wanted sasuke to be mine, but make him mine the way I wanted to. By loving him kindly. 

 

My tired legs carried me towards the couch, I fell on it with a long sigh. Everything build up inside of me, it made me a monster. "I'm not even worthy" I whispered with tears in my eyes. 

I laid like that for what seemed like forever. It wasn't. I saw the minutes tick by, then the hours. Two hours to be exact. I laid for two hours without doing anything, empty and hurt again. I don't know why I tended to stare at clocks and ceilings when feelings down but I did. 

After those two hours I heard sasuke's voice. Softly. Distant. "Naruto?" 

Waves through my body, no idea what to do, nervousness. 

I walked to my room, didn't open the door. With by head against it I mumbled "Yeah?"

"I-I just didn't know where you were" 

I wiped tears out of my eyes really fast, as if I was fooling myself and telling me I wasn't in pain. "I just thought you didn't want to see my face, but since you have to go home, I could go to a friends place?" 

"No! uh, no need. Naruto. I'm not mad really" 

"But I-" 

"how weak do you think I am? I could have stopped you naruto" 

"You should have!" 

He fell silent for a second. I could hear him breath in deeply. I wondered what his face would look like. "If you throw a stone you can expect one back. We both do this naruto, I hurt your feelings for sex, you hurt my body for it" 

My heart skipped a beat, then almost pumped out of my chest, blood rushing through me in an abnormal manner. I let myself fall against the door, not having the power to open it. "please hold us back next time sasuke, I don't want to hurt you or be hurt by you" 

"But-" 

"Please! I'll search for a way to stop it too" I just want to stop hurting. 

"we always try" 

I breathed in quickly and shortly. "I'll work it out" I didn't really want to loose him in a lover way , but if that was the way to become happy, I would.

"I'm leaving" I mumbled after a long moment of silence. 

"What? naruto!" 

I walked toward the door "Take your key, just in case" 

"Naruto! Come he- autch fuck" I frowned, of course, he couldn't run after me in that state. Lucky me. I probably couldn't handle looking at him in that state. 

 

On my way outiside I walked into kiba, who was on his way to his appartment. The way i had once loved the fact i had a close friend close I cursed that fact at the moment. I had always loved to escape to kiba's when I had had a fight with sasuke. It would annoy sasuke to no extend, that's why I loved it but now that we had fights for real, now that sasuke didn't want to be the perfect one, I hated the idea of going to kiba's. I hated the idea of going to any friend at all.  
"hey naruto" 

"Hi" I tried my hardest to smile. 

"You okay?" 

"Yes, yeah, you?" 

"yeah.. I am. How is it without sasuke in the apartment?" 

"It's fine really" 

"Having lots of chicks over?" 

oh you don't know kiba "Pf! For what do you take me? "

"Then aren't you alone? You haven't been hanging out with us" 

I didn't have time for this. I wanted to be alone, not get over it and talk with friends like this. "Gaara has be-" 

"Gaara!? Tamari's brother? The scary kid!?" 

I sighed "He's really nice" 

"if you say so" 

I looked to the side "I have to leave, kiba" 

"Promise to hang out with us" 

"Yeah, I promise" 

 

I walked out of the building, into the cold. For once I didn't mind the cold. Like I didn't mind sasuke.   
I didn't mind the dark sky anymore. Or the silence. I didn't mind being alone for once, because I didn't want to be told I was the one who was right. I could see from every point of view I was. Weather it was for being foolish or for not controlling my disappointment. Mixed together as one they had become my obvious and hopeless disappointment. All of it, all my hope had become one big mishap.  
I raised my hand and looked at it. Wanting to know every single detail. I couldn't hold it out long. I could look at others for hours, at sasuke, to be a bit more precise. Let's not beat around the bush here.  
Slowly but surely the day was turning around, I didn't take my phone so I had no idea how late it was, still the air and sky told me it was becoming evening. Maybe it were my feet; crying for a place to sit. Yes I had no idea where I had gone actually, walking my problems off wasn't a smart thing. Still better than when I sported my problems off and passed out once in a while, true indeed, but still not very smart.

When I finally sat down on a bench in a neighborhood I bearably knew it had almost become dark. My legs were shaking the way they had when I had left my apartment, only now they didn't shake with fear and pain; they were just tired. Tired of me, tired of my mind and tired of all the ways they had to walk just to get my emotions in or out of control.  
I coughed a few times then breathed in deeply, making people look at me like I was some kind of hobo. I guess I kind of looking like one in this rich people neighborhood. The houses here were insanely big. I had the feeling I had been there before, but the uchiha mansion was somewhere else, that was the only place I could come up with which had houses as big as this one.  
On that bench I closed my eyes. I had a headache.As a non smoker I had never really longed for a cigarette but at the moment I really did. I wanted to buy a pack of cigarettes and smoke them all at once.  
So I did.  
I bought a pack of cigarettes at the nearest gas station and then sat back down on another bench. Only now, for one of the first times in my life I smoked. I didn't just smoke but I smoked a whole pack. Cigarette after cigarette without breaks. I felt the cancer through my body and it felt great.   
I remembered what Ino had said. That my physical should match my mental. I was afraid of myself, so I made myself the thing that was dangerous for myself.


	10. heater

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gaara finds naruto and they are freakin cute. That's basically it. I wrote 3000 words with cute friendship.

When I woke up I was laying under a soft blanket. I hugged it close, it was more than just cold right now. Or maybe I just felt it that way, because self pity and being tired are almost the same as cold. They feel the same atleast.  
I groaned as I tried to open my eyes. Only then realized how weird it was I was laying under a blanket if I was still laying on the same damned bench.  
Though when I looked to my side all my questions vanished. Warmth spread through me. There was a certain redhead sitting next to me, his stare into the nothing so intence, but not angry like it once had been.  
"Gaara" I whispered.  
His head turned to me, eyes surprised "Naruto!"  
I smiled slightly "Yeah, hi"  
"What are you doing here? Why aren't you in your apartment, this isn't even near your place"  
"I- I don't know"  
"please don't lie naruto" I don't want to tell you. I wanted him to look at me in the way he always had done. I didn't want to bring shame on me anymore. I had once said I had no pride left, but only now that I was loosing it, I realized that I did.  
"I kind of kicked myself out after a fight with sasuke"  
"sasuke?"  
Fuck, I had really made sure not to mention Sasuke around Gaara didn't I? "My best friend and roommate, though me moved out"  
"then he should leave"  
"oh well" Great explanation naruto. A+ for you.  
For a second we didn't speak. We breathed in the morning air and looking at the slightly pink sky. The sun coming up, waking like our minds.  
"So uh.." he looked at me "why are you here? and awake?"  
"I never sleep much, so I went for a walk somewhere silent and I found you" While talking he poured thee in a cup and handed it to me.  
"and the blanket? and tea?"  
He smiled slightly "I saw you and got them"  
"Pf, so you woke up around, what, four?"  
He nodded, his eyes still not on me, a soft and positive aura around him "That's when I usually go to sleep"  
In silence he smiled. He didn't speak a lot, his sentences never longer than a few words but he was easy to read. Maybe because he had a hard time with emotions. Maybe because he stayed so mono emotional before and even the slightest emotion caught my eye. Maybe I was just trained in it, by reading sasuke. All I knew was that I loved the way he didn't speak and shyly showed what he was thinking.  
"I'm glad you don't frown as much as you did" I noticed how he tried to frown again. I laughed. "it's nice if you smile! You look better that way"  
He frowned "but it's only when I'm w-" he stopped, though I could finish the sentence in my mind.  
"I'm glad, that's what friends are for after all"  
The way he blushed and looked down was rather amazing.

"I forgot my phone so sakura will get badshit mad when I see her, she's so afraid I'll get kicked out of college for not coming every single time. To be honest, I'm sooo failing anyway, God I'm horrible"  
"well, if college doesn't make you happy.."  
I shrugged. I didn't know what to do with the whole college situation. I had let the whole sasuke situation get out of hand, it had taken over my life, but for it to take it over that much? Was that really the way to become happy? No, probably not.

When I was more awake Gaara and I walked to the subaku mansion. The wonderful place where their father never came and shikamaru was still a little afraid. Of course shikamaru wasn't there yet, as he does go to school. Tamari was laying on the cough lazily; the three got home schooled. Gaara said he hated it because that also got in his way of making new friends. On the other hand he said it was also good for him, since it got in the way of him getting into fights and betting bullied as well.  
"goodmorning tamari"  
She groaned something moody with her arm in front of her eyes. I had only seen the powerful tamari, now this one seemed more like shikamaru. Though lately my mornings started being like theirs more and more, only my days moved the other way.. Theirs only became more loving.  
"naruto?" gaara whispered, I saw he wanted to touch me to get my attention but he held back. I knew by now that gaara wasn't used to touching people or being touched, that's why he had reacted so weirdly when I first touched him.  
"ah yeah sorry" I said grinning  
"no.. it's fine" Gaara looked to his side, still awkward, quite cute "I'll get some breakfast, if you can wait?"

I sat down next to tamari, I could feel the bags under my eyes become more heavy with the second. I coughed once "Can I smoke here?"  
"Sure, aint nobody's going to tell us fucking otherwise anyway"  
I smiled and took one cigarette out of my pocket "Want one?"  
she shook her head "Shika hates smoke, says it tastes like crap when we kiss"  
"I 'm not planning on kissing anyone, lucky me" Leave it to be to joke in situations like these, but at least she cracked a smile, not one quite as the grin shikamaru had described, but a smile true indeed.  
Tamar started talking after a long pause of me blowing smoke out of my mouth "its amazing what you did to gaara though, we've tried but he honestly seems to like you"  
"I don't get why people didn't like him anyway" I sighed, my mouth dry and gross "Then again I never got why people disliked me either, I guess some things just are"  
"I guess"

Gaara walked in with one bowl of ramen, one sandwich, fruit juice, thee and melon " I didn't know what you liked" he mumbled awkward. It made me warm inside, never did my heart skip though.  
"I like everything, thanks" I smiled. The food made me feel a little sick, I hadn't eaten so much in quite a long time. Gaara's kindness made me want to eat. But I wasn't hungry.  
"Since when do you smoke?" He mumbled.  
" Oh I dont" I said awkwardly "I just.. I was in the mood for it"  
"hm" he drunk his thee calmly, he didn't touch the food. Maybe he just didn't like food. He didn't really seem like a food person to me. He was too calm for that.  
I started eating. With a calm smile on my face. I thought of all my friends. They kept saying they wanted to see me, they wanted to hang out. Even sakura had found it weird I hadn't been around. And I'd say "we'll hang out, I liked being alone for a while" btu now I realize that I wasn't planning on going to see them. I wasn't planning on hanging out with them. Before I would have done anything to make friends, now the world just pushes them my way. They come to me, we meet, we hang out, we have fun, get caught in a converstaion that takes long enough to make us hungry and then go get dinner together. Now it hadn't happened. I realized I didn't want to be alone. I just didn't want to be with anyone (but sasuke). And the world. The world didn't push my friends my way, we didn't coincidentally meet.. but gaara. Gaara was pushed on my path. We met over and over again without a real reason. He had dragged himself to become my friend like I once had, no matter how scary it was to send a boring first message and no matter how stupid our first texts seem now.  
The world realized what I needed.  
I didn't need to be reminded of the past and search for comfort in the arms of my old friends. I needed to seek for glue and tissues called strangers.  
I had inked my skin with sasuke's name, and they were clothes, they weren't one with me, but they kept me warm and hid what I hated.

"You listen to such calm music, I expected you to listen to metal and stuff"  
He blushed "ah yeah"  
"Though now that I got to know you this seems better really, you seem like quite the dreamer. It sounds weird but I think that a music style is who you are and what you dream of. A lot of people dream of fighting, but you do that in real life so you don't have to dream of that, plus I know you don't enjoy it. When I think of you dreaming, I think of you thinking about loving kindly, sweetly, calmly" He blushed bright red "On top of that, you're cuter than you think"  
"I-I'm not" I chuckled, grinning brightly.  
"I know other people think you're scary but.. I'm not them, I think you're c-"  
"stop that" he was blushing fiercely with a shaking voice.  
I laughed and closed my eyes. Listening to Gaara's music carefully. It did seem a bit depressing, but the beautiful kind of depressing. The silent depression because of love. "who are this?" I whispered  
"young heretics" he replied. I breathed in. The lyrics were too true, the song was here for the lyrics and the voice, not for the music.  
"You listen to ed sheeran?"  
"yeah"  
"and to.. uhh.. I don't listen to calm music"  
"then listen with me"  
I looked at him. Grinned. "with love"

We stayed like that. Cd's in his cd player, as he was still too old fashioned for an Ipod or something. I silently told myself I'd buy him a cheep Ipod if I saw one. Then again I didn't have any money and gaara was the richest guy I knew. So seconds later I caught myself suggesting we'd buy an Ipod together. To which he agreed, and admitted he had the money but he didn't feel like going shopping. He told me he had always disliked shopping, because he'd get stared at.  
Gaara's whole thing was kind of weird. His hair was naturally red, weird but okay. He said he wore eyeliner to scare people off. People looked at him but never spoke to him. When he was little he had always wanted to make friends, but at the time he had accapted he wouldn't make friends he had started doing anything to keep people away from him. It made people think he was dangerous and above all scary.  
I listened to every single one of his words carefully, because I knew how special it was he actually said them out loud.  
I didn't tell him about sasuke, I did tell him about myself. I had almost forgotten I had a personality apart from sasuke, because he was the yin to my yang. To be honest I never hear people speak about just yang. But now I was talking about me only. Just Yang.

Shikamaru came by when I would have finished my classes if I would actually go there. I had expected him to smart me out, talking about all the things I had done wrong and about how important college was.  
He didn't.  
He smiled and mumbled "are you okay, naruto?"  
"Yeah Yeah, I fell asleep on a bench near here, because of, you know, and then gaara found me, I'm all fine now" I said actually sounding quite cheerful. Maybe that's why shikamaru pulled up his eyebrow and shrugged.  
When he left I looked at gaara, who had been quiet and awkward the whole time. I grinned as if saying sorry and he smiled one of his warm smiled back at me. The rest of the time we didn't see much of tamari nor of shikamaru. They either had a calm day or just very quiet sex. When I told gaara my thoughts about their sex he blushed furiously making me laugh my ass off. My thoughts about him being an unemotional moodyman were completely gone. He was the most emotional yet calm of all.

When night time seemed to hit I even red my poetry out loud to him. After jiraiya died writing had been the only thing (beside sasuke) I had really going for me. It was my emotion on a paper. All my pain and all my thoughts. Reading it out loud had been something I had never done to anyone but sasuke, but the comfort I found my doing so to gaara was insane.  
After all of that, when it was bearably late, I fell asleep. Gaara wide awake,I reminded me he never slept much once again. I was pretty sure that I had a smile on my face when doing so. Gaara's bed was the best bed I had ever laid in. I missed sasuke beside me, like any other night, of course I did, but him sitting next to me with a breath that sounded incredibly and disturbingly unfamiliar. Gaara's breath. As I closed my eyes sasuke was the last thing I thought about, so the feelings and the visions didn't match. Gaara's tempreture and sasuke's voice didn't. Gaara's breath and sasuke's face didn't. My heart beat didn't match my own in a flashback with sasuke in it. I don't know which one was louder, and if if gaara watched me sleep painfully as the smile on my face slowly vanished. I dreamt of what i wanted and what I got, they also, didn't match.

 

"gaara, psst" gaara? so it wasn't me who had to wake up? I moaned softly, his bed was too good to wake up anyway. It was saturday, today I could not go to school like all the other days, but then without feeling bad. "When naruto wakes up, tell him to call sakura"  
Sakura. For a moment there I had hoped sasuke had called all these people to get into contact with me. It was shikamaru who said this, so who would he have called before that? Kiba, choji, sakura, iruka.. Maybe shikamaru would have lied for me, tell him he didn't know, and then he would have called itachi, lost his mind, waited for me and confess to me with a face that proves he hadn't slept in days and cried into my own pillow.  
But it was sakura.  
"I'm awake" I grunted, not opening my eyes yet feeling eyes on me.  
"call her naruto"I heard shikamaru mumble, he sounded stern, intimidating.  
"bu-"  
"No, you can't let this thing ruin you. Cry as much as you want, but don't get your friends involved. That's not like you"  
I opened my eyes and looked at gaara worriedly, he had no idea what was going on and I sure as hell was going to have to explain it to him later. "I know, sorry, can you text her I forgot my phone and that I'll call?"  
"yeah, I will"

I heard the door close. Only then I looked back at gaara. He was watching me awkwardly. It's that my ass was feeling so good because of gaara's bed but else I would have woken up in the worst mood.  
"So.. this sakura, is she your..  
"girlfriend?" I chuckled "no, she's a childhood friend"  
he nodded "She's a bit of a pussy who likes to gossip so I'm not sure... But I think you two would like each other!"  
That's right, talk over it and he won't be able to ask about it in a comfortable situation. "she had pink hair you know, also has light eyes and pale skin. Though your personalities are completely different" I grinned.  
"naruto" oh shit.  
"yeah?" I mumbled trying to sound happily.  
"You don't have to tell me, but don't hide it... You can stay here with m-" Without even knowing what I was doing I had moved closer to gaara and put my arms around him. I hugged him close, hid my face in his neck. He tensed up, shocked, unable to do anything. Still I wanted to stay like that. I wanted to hold him for a second. I had tried to hide my pain and I had tried to ignore it. I had kept myself from touching anyone after my incident with Sai, yet my body had been longing for a touch. For a hug. For the things it had gotten used to. It's like smoking, it's an addiction. It's like sasuke's first cup of coffee, or shikamaru's yawn. Your body has gotten used to it, leaving it is harder than it seems. Touching. Touching was my addiction, because it was my prove that I was me, and I was loved.  
I heard gaara's breath slow down. "thanks for being my friend" I whispered.  
We both wanted to say something but we didn't.  
We both wanted to cry. We didn't.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you~


	11. grip tighter to let go.

The next days went by smoothly, I'd almost say lovely. I was happy. Gaara and I sticked together. I even brought a few sets of clothes to his place. I spend my days waiting for him to finish what he needed to do and making art. My mind was exploding with everything I could never name. On paper, mostly when writing or painting, it came out very good. I was still ignoring the fact I had a phone, I knew I couldn't handle seeing people love me and me ruining it but mainly I knew I couldn't handle contact with sasuke. 

I wasn't lonely. I wasn't ignoring my friends. 

One day I went by to see Ino. Choji was there too. Seeing the two act like exact opposites but still honestly loving I really wished they would fall in love. Them falling in love would mean they would see the beauty in each other. In something they weren't and they couldn't understand. Being easy, being fat- excuse me- chubby.. it seemed crazy that Ino would ever understand such a thing. 

Sakura had come by too, ino spoke quite fond about the meeting and sakura had promised her she'd come more often. I didn't know what to believe. Usually the two are filled up with pretty lies to do others good. 

 

I still didn't go to college. Suddenly everything I was majoring in seemed incredibly useless and boring. I did feel like I was learning every day. I started reading more, gaara had some books. I had never actually red accept from Jiraiya's book. 

I red my own works out loud to gaara, it helped and even though he never gave any comments it helped me write better. He had pointed out the fact the majority of my stories were about a broken heart "you're stories are quite depressing for such a happy person" he had smiled "Then again, it's obvious to me that you just have a good mask"

It wasn't surprising gaara knew, still it was painfully true. 

My mind, even though I got around it quite a lot, was still filled with sasuke. It was worst before I went to sleep or when I woke up. Sometimes I would just lay on my extra bed for hours and think about him. Gaara always woke up before me, that made it worse, there was no getting around it. It wasn't scary that he was in my mind. It was scary that he still was, with all the distance, all the people. His presence in my mind was so strong that it would stay, that much.. there. 

 

In the evening Gaara and I would talk about deeper things. It was crazy how close we had gotten. He had become a friend I would trust on almost anything. He understood me. He understood what it was like to be hated and to be alone. but no matter how close we got, telling him about sasuke was horrible. I knew too, that he had to know. I was in his house because of a fight with sasuke. I was heartbroken. Still he patiently waited for me to tell him what was going on. 

Eventually I did. 

I had just red one of my poems out loud for gaara. He appeared speechless, which got me speechless too, on top of that kind of emotional. I knew we both were speechless like that, our throats closed and painful, but this was the dangerous this. If one of us had the courage to speak it would break out in heavy confessions. Do you know what I mean? What kind of situation that is? 

Anyway. Scarily enough gaara actually had the guts to talk first. Something new. 

"Those are about sasske aren't they?" Kind of straight to the point, I know. I almost shitted my pants at the serious tone. 

"yeah.." 

"look I don't want to push y-" 

At that moment I wanted him to know. I didn't want to think about how to tell gaara everyday. "We had a sexual relationship" maybe not the best start but I was under pressure. "I was in love with him" am "He didn't love me. He didn't want to know anything about my feelings" 

"Naru-" 

"I- I guess it's a good things, because I didn't have to worry about breaking our friendship for love anymore.." I laughed sarcastically and painful "We were always together you now. We lived together, slept in one bed, argued over useless things and talk till deep in the night. yeah of course, I hated how blind he was towards how much I cared sometimes but that didn't matter.. it doesn't when you care so much" 

"I know what you mean.. it's painful" 

I nodded, knowing gaara's words were true. He did know. Even though I didn't realize what he meant by those words then. "he's fucking beautiful you know? but that doesn't mean he can get away with everything, with being such a fucking asshole" I let one hand slide through my hair and tried to smile "I just need to find someone better, someone who treats my as an equal" 

Gaara opened his mouth as if he was going to say something and then coded it again. Then nodded hesitant. I let it slip as nervous behavior because of how I let my emotions go again. I should have made a deal with myself about not talking about sasuke that way. 

 

A few days after my talk with gaara I went to see kiba. I was feeling like a horrible friend to them all.  
Surprisingly enough when I stormed through the door I saw no one other than hinata. She didn't faint when I walked in, even though she did blush. But this was a different blush, it wasn't a 'Naruto!' blush it was an 'oh shit I've been caught' blush. It was amazing. It made me all my worries about how I had treated her vanish like dust. She was with kiba now. 

"Hinata! it's wonderful to see you!" I walked up to her, but before I could pull her into a nice hug I was tackled. 

"Oh no you don't asshole," I looked at kiba while I laid on the floor, holding in my laugh "This time you're not taking her" 

And so I did laugh and hint giggled. Both mainly because kiba's face was just so bright red. 

"Should I leave?" I mumbled still trying to hold in my laugh but not wanting to spoil their romantic moment. 

Kiba shook his head fiercely "her cousin is coming to pick her up in a while, asshole is making sure she can't stay for dinner" 

I gave him a look of pity as he threw his arm around his newly found love. They both gave me a look of burning curiosity.  
"what?" I mumbled as if it wasn't completely obvious what they wanted to know. 

"what? what?! where the fuck have you been?" Hinata moved away a little as kiba screamed and sat back when he was done. They had gotten used to each other that much, they knew each other that well. Only now I realized how much could happen in the days I was gone. 

"Ah yeah that.." kiba rolled his eyes "Uh.. Where to start.. Do you know shikamaru's girlfriend?" 

"Crazy, aggressive, four ponytails?" 

I cleared my throat "yeah that one. Well-" 

"Is this about that gaara guy again? Naruto, you can't just start skipping school because of some badass guy! yeah okay he has no fucks to give but these are the wrong crow-" 

"You know shit about him!" 

A silence fell over the room. Hinata wide eyed. Kiba surprised. Going against kiba for gaara scared me too. I really honestly did care, that was proven. 

"Are you sleeping with him?" 

"What? kiba no, what the fuck" 

"Yeah, sorry, I know you're no homo but I was just making sure" oh. "but naruto, you can't let one guy, even if you care about him, ruin your life. What about sasuke? He's your best friend right? Are you leaving him too? maybe you should just go back to the asshole- at least he didn't make you pull weird crap" 

"If-" I swallowed "if it hadn't been for gaara things would have been far worse" I waited for a reaction. I only got surprised looks. I didn't know what was showing on my face but apparently it was enough to make them believe me. "I'll tell you eventually" 

Kiba sighed, not sure what to say. Hinata's eyes on him, so stern he could bearably solve with a fist like we usually would. "Fine, whatever man." 

 

Then it seemed like everything was fine again. Kiba got me a drink and we started talking. I told them about gaara and living with the sand sibling. Kiba seemed to like them more withe very word I said even though he seemed to hold a bad grudge against them. Gaara had told me about seeing how gaara beat up some guy before. I wondered if he was just afraid. Worried something would happen to me. But I knew better. So I told him. Hinata nodding and saying sweet words to make kiba's thought more optimistic. They fitted together nicely. The mood changed because of it. They were the kind of couple you want to be around, just because they make everything seem lovingly. 

Which was until the bell rang.  
Kiba cursing under his breath about a cockblocking asshole, whatever that meant.  
Aparently it meant; long haired hot guy. Pale and arrogant.  
As if that description didn't fit everyone lately. 

He walked in with his nose held up, didn't spare kiba a look. He cockily let his eyes slide over me and then looked at hinata as stern as he could (I hoped, that was as stern as he could, else it would be scary). "Hinata, let's go" Akamaru barked "Hinata please, I don't want to smell like dog" 

What. An. Asshole. I thought, together with the fact I was totally going to try and break his cocky cockblocker walls. 

I stood up. 

"yeah but what if you let them eat together" he glared at me, I grinned "And you eat with me" 

Silence. All eyes on me.  
Awkward.  
Pale guy smirked and pulled up one eyebrow. "And why would I do that?" 

I grinned even brighter, I'd win this "I'm fun, hella handsome, excuse my ego, but I'm also gorgeously tanned" He rolled his eyes "only to top that, I'll do the talking so you can keep your whole proud and silent shit" 

"So?" 

"C'mon, you have 'gay for cute blondy' written on your forehead.. band.. thingy" 

He frowned. I gave him my perfect blue puppy eyes. 

"Do you even have a brain?" 

"Not sure, was that an yes?" 

"No" 

"then was that a no?" I pouted 

"no" he bit his lip. 

"Then I'll take it as an yes, all together" 

he sighed "If you insist on being a fucking moron" 

"Haha, victory!" 

The whole time kiba and hinata were staring at us wide eyed. Us forgetting they were there. When I reminded myself I gave him the thumbs up whole he just looked completely stunned. Probably thinking I was an awesome friend because of how 'gay' I would do just for 'for him'. 

"Leggo!" 

 

Neji  
That was his name.  
He was a lot less cocky with hinata and kiba gone. The attitude was still there but as he had already given in he couldn't loose even more. 

"I have to go get my phone in my apparent, wait a sec" At the moment all I was thinking about was texting gaara, though when I opened my phone I realized that I had missed calls from sasuke. Quite a lot of them. 

Too many feelings went through me. A tornado of thoughts. My head spinned.  
If neji hadn't been there I would have cursed and cried.  
My whole mind was munch. 

"naruto?" And it was gone again. Thank neji for not letting me fall deeper in the bottomless well called love sasuke needs. 

"yeah, wait a sec" 

I texted gaara I was going on a date with some guy and followed after nevi to his car. Which was the most expensive car ever. Together with gaara's and sasuke's. I only now realize that I kind of come off as a freaking cold digger.  
I talked away in the car. Neji nodding and smiling cockily. I replied to gaara's question with who I was going. 

Neji took me to some expensive restaurant. When we stopped I already started backing out ' "I can't pay this! let's go eat some ramen, neji-" 

"Who said you have to pay?" 

"what?" 

"I'm paying" so yeah, a goldigger true indeed. 

"So you do like me a little~" I chuckled and followed him. 

"Please behave" 

"Rude" I shook my tongue out at him while he sighed with a smile on his face. 

The food was the best food I had ever tasted probably. Even chouji's mum was not as much of an godly cook as the one from the restaurant. Which sounds pretty logic if you haven't tasted the akamichi's food but if you have, that's the biggest compliment ever.  
Everything else was also almost too fancy, had be singing bad gold digger and fancy songs while neji just rolled his eyes. He was actually very nice, a bit suborn but he had a deep and interesting way of thinking. Destiny was his whole thing. I thought he was being proud and old fashioned. Destiny seemed like an excuse to me. Then again, he was probably asian and that is a thing there. 

"but if you believe if destiny that much? can you deny that us meeting and me being a pushover was meant to be?" 

"I can't" 

I had expected a small battle but he simply agreed.  
He seemed to become easier with the second, I started enjoying his presence more with the second. I still had a way to go since I started off with hating his guts but giving everyone a chance. Turned out I was right. Like alway, haha. 

My mind sometimes did travel to how bad I felt for leaving gaara alone. Or to holding sasuke. The touch of his pale skin. Things like this came because I was comparing their skincolour. All so pale. I wondered if Neji's touch was anything like Sasuke's. Would it gets me drugged or did I have to grow onto it? Could I? I was constantly thinking about other things, the chance was small, attraction was there. 

 

"So naruto, do you want to come to my place?" I smiled. This was the guy that had been so cocky before. 

"yeah sure, just let my call my roommate" liar. 

I dialed gaara's number. Seeing sasuke's name again, feelings welling up in me again. 

"Naruto. Hi, everything okay?" 

I smiled, that's gaara for you "Yeah, I'm perfect" 

"Then why-" 

"I called to say I won't come home yet, or maybe not at all" 

"no" 

"What?" I stood up and excused myself. 

"I don't want you getting hurt, naruto" 

"I won't, I'm a grown man, no need to baby me" I mumbled pissed off. 

"That's not the kind of hurt I mean" 

"What the fuck, that's a low card to use ga-" Anger rushed through me. 

"I need to tell you something" 

"No you don't!" 

"Naru-" 

"Stop lying to me, you can't just choose for me because of your fee-" 

"Are you trying to be like sasuke?!" I fell into silence. Realization hitting me. A fucked up trick to use but also the only way to get me to listen. Gaara was right. He knew me. He knew how to push my buttons and he dared to push the sasuke button. "Where are you?" 

I tried to get back my voice "Seventh sincerity" 

"I'm coming to get you" he was panicking "Naruto please don't leave" He was begging, so scared the same thing would happen again. That he'd be left because of his lack of control. That I would look at him with those eyes. The eyes only we knew. 

He hung up. I didn't answer before it. He knew that if i left he'd have his answer. He'd think I actually wanted to get rid of him. I still had to figure out what the meaning was of all he said. 

Neji looked worried when he walked outside. "What did he say?" 

"well.. he said I couldn't" 

"And you're going to listen to him?" 

"It's complicated" 

"Is all of this to get him jealous?" 

"No!" 

"Then what happened?" 

I looked down, biting my lip. I was feeling bad for nevi. He had paid, listened and smiled for me. "I wasn't trying to, but that is what happened.. I think" Neji nodded "Are you mad?" 

"I paid you food, got my uncle mad just to get dumped" 

"Sor-" 

"I'm not mad, it probably was-" 

"destiny" I finished for him, earning a held back smile. 

 

It took gaara 5 minutes to get to the restaurant, which meant he had driven too fast and probably dangerously panicked. Neji had waited with me. I knew that that wasn't the best idea. When gaara go out of his car the word death glare got really meaning.  
Gaara didn't dare to look at me. 

"How much did naruto's food cost?" He asked instead, with his money in his hand. 

"I paid because I wanted to, I'm not that low class" Neji replied back to his cocky self "See you, naruto" 

 

Then, gaara and I stood in silence. The air was thick. I didn't know what to say. 

"Let's go home" gaara mumbled. 

"But you-" 

"I'll tell you when home" 

And I believed him. I trusted him. 

I was nervous at the same time. I was to know but waited patiently until I got home. My anxiety growing highly in the silent ride. When we got home we ignored shikamaru tamari and kankuro, walking straight to his room. Shikamaru giving me one worried look, which I decided to ignore.  
Eventually the door closed, the mood heavy. I had expected gaara to start talking. He didn't. He seemed absolutely stuck. At loss of words. unknown of what to do. 

"Do you.. dislike neji?" I tried

"No.. that's-" his voice sounded weird. Painful. "You see, I know you love sasuke, I know I'm feeling things I shouldn't. It wasn't like I planned it-" 

It hit me. It had been so fucking obvious from the very start. It was insane I had never seen it. I had been so blind. Blind like.. like sasuke had been. 

"You're in love with me." He looked away like he was about to cry and nodded slowly. "Fuck, I'm so blind" He nodded again. 

"I'm sorry" 

"what?" his light eyes looked at me, full of surprise. "Is that it? Are you just going to nod and say sorry? You're not going to confess to be? Not going to kiss me with tears streaming into our mouths?" He looked away "I-" of course he wouldn't. 

"Sorry.. I shouldn't say things like that. I know you better. I do really care for you, a lot" 

"You don't have to force yourself" 

"You should force me" I had a hard time controlling myself "You and I both know that's how I won't hurt anymore. How you won't hurt." 

he looked down. Of course he had realized this, on the other hand he was also afraid of hurting even more. 

"I don't want it to be fake naruto" I knew what he meant. He didn't want to be what I am to sasuke, even if I'd try to make it better with sweet words. He just didn't want to be a supsitude. I just. I didn't want to think of sasuke anymore. I wanted him out of my head. 

"If you are thinking about sasuke" I mumbled "Stop it. Make me stop it too" 

"I can't" 

"Yes you can, you just won't, you're afraid" 

"You know.. I wanted to do the talking. I wanted to make you believe I am the right one for you but-" 

"Then do" love me "Kiss me" Like sasuke won't "Hold me" as tight as you want "stay with me" like no one ever did. Because "I'm a afraid too, let me forget about the tears I shed" 

He didn't move. Tears in his eyes. I thought about sasuke. Painful. I was hurting but I knew it could be over. Gaara needed the loving I wanted to give. He wasn't a bottomless well.  
I hugged gaara. "tch, I have to do everything myself" I mumbled jokingly yet sweet. Holding him tight as he cried silently. I loved how it felt that someone needed me. Deeply wanted me. I was happy. I thought about sasuke, loved and painfully wanted him. 

I cared for gaara. I held a kind and soft love for him. 

Was it love like it was with sasuke? No. 

Could it grow? Yes. 

Was gaara his the superglue I needed? I hoped so. I really did.


	12. The present

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A party, takin gaara's virginity and such... basically a happy day (: (finally a happy chapter chi u fucking bitch)

"How do I look?" I let my hands slide over my body and pulled a weird snoopy face "Do I look like the fucking wett dream of girls in the winter because I remind them of the sun?"

"uh-" I laughed a little "yeah?"

"Not that that matters, do I look like your wett dream?" He didn't have to answer it. I knew he couldn't, shy little shit "You look perfect, you know what you look like?"

"no"

"My boyfriend, mainly" Yes, I am indeed real ass smooth.

he smiled a little "Does that look fit me?"

"Best look ever" I pecked his lips. "We should go"

He nodded and stood up, still a little nervous but better now, better after me making fun of myself like I had always done.

 

* * *

 

 

"Naruto!" a pink haired girl jumped on me, pulling me into a loving hug "Fucking gorgeous couple, I'm making you two my date"

"Don't you have a date?"

"If I had a date it would be sasuke, but you know how he is.. he's suddenly too grown up for parties. Well, he never really was one to party"

"I know Iknow, but he might have gown for you" Gaara eyed me as if, if I'd say sasuke one more time he would knock my head off.

"Well, haven't seen him around anyway, screw his boring ass, I've got you two freaking cute fucking hella pretty couple"

"That's not a sentence" I shook out my tongue, before she took out arms and dragged us into the living room. Busy with people, smelling like smoke and alcohol. Even Ino was there, holding both shoji and poor shikamaru, who was also held by tamari (Looking like he wanted to die, or just go home and screw tamari already, whatever he preferred stays a mystery)

"Lee?" sakura says. Not even too loud. But as if a a light saying 'sakura calling' started buring somewhere a guy in came running into the room.

"Sakura chan?!" It was wonderful to see sakura getting the attention I had once gave her. The attention was never answered the way guys wanted to, true indeed, then again sakura can't change her feelings and her being nice to him seemed like enough. He was on cloud 9 already.

"My boyfriends" I rolled my eyes "Naruto and gaara" I had met lee before, but I didn't know where. So it was a legit introduction.

I smiled at gaara, but he looked like he had just seen a ghost. I didn't think he could even become more pale but he had, wide eyes and pale. Surprisingly enough this could happen.

"Gaara?" I whispered, bumping my elbow into him

He look around him really fast "Sorry, I- I think I should leav-"

"No way!" I looked at lee, no idea what was going on. "I will not be a spoilsport of my own part! I have fully healed and forgiven" So that was it. They had been in a fight

"Bu-"

"Gaara, this is my house, enjoy the youth!"

"I-"

"Changed, you have naruto now, it will be alright!"

I took his hand and smiled at him, nodding. And so gaara did (enjoy the power of youth?). He walked with us into the living room. The nervousness I had casted away was back again, gripping my han tightly. People looked at us, yet I didn't feel weird. No one knew who he was or why he was holding my hand (though that was might have been rather obvious) but these people knew me and they repected me. WHatever I was doing. They didn't yell. No one asked.

Which was until I walked up to kiba and hinata and.. well our entire crew. I kind of started regretting letting gaara go through this.

"Hey naruto! and gaara? I don't know what's going on but it's fucking freaking me out"

I rolled my eyes, leave it to kiba to be the first to say weird shit "About a week ago you were implying it"

he though for three second and then said "Ah shit man,that's gross," gaara tensed "I think in pictures, what the hell" he smirked and shook out his tongue "Congrats"

I knew a bomb would break loose with ino here, and it did. Ino started yelling "That is so fucking cute! I fucking knew it naruto, fucking asshole, my gaydar was right, you fucking crazy- Oh my godd- he's cute like seriously naruto well done, oh my fucking god I'm so happy!" Ino hugged gaara, gaara stiff and shocked (which was hilarious by the way)

"Ino, calm down"

"I'm making him feel at home"

"You're making him shit his pants"

"I'll make you shit your pants, watch it" she treathened.

"That's my job!" Suddenly sakura was there, jokingly arguing with ino. Ino smiled, a gorgeous mask. I wondered how many smiles here were fake. How could they be? It was a nice air, nice friends.. my smile was genuine for once. I had been and maybe still was, going through a universe searching for sasuke, but I had landed on a nice warm and mainly steady planet instead.

 

We sat down, sakura sitting on my lap with her legs wrapped out gaara. This whole thing must be very weird to him as he isn't used to getting touched all too much.. sakura and ino can be a little bit intimidating then. Lee put drinks in front of us and smiled at gaara, which he did a lot, wanting to make gaara feel welcome. Or talk with him about what happened some time, whatever that was.

Sakura left to talk to ino. For a little while it was like I was with gaara in this room only. I leaned against him and smiled. Sometimes kissing his arm or hair, whatever was closest and not too disturbing for the rest. Though I didn't get the feeling anyone really minded. Everyone thought they knew me and turned out they didn't, but that was the only thing disturbing about it to most, it was nice.

"Fancy seeing you here again" That voice.

"Hey" I grinned

"too soon don't you think? Still know your name, smalldick"

I pulled up one eyebrow "I thought I already proved that nickname wrong"

"You did actually, back just stopped aching" Gaara blushed, figuring it out.

"A-anyway, this is my boyfriend"

" the famous Gaara subaku, You should let me draw you some time" this was to gaara.

"Don't do it, he's a pervert" I joked.

Sai sat down next to gaara. As autistic as he was he didn't know this would make gaara incredibly awkward. "How's it going naruto? you seem happy"

"I am"

"And how's sasuke?"

I swallowed thickly "Not speaking all that much, I've got gaara" gaara smiled awkwardly.

"Sounds like a big step"

"Yeah, anyway, I think I need to ask sakura something, I'll be right back" I pecked gaara;s cheek and stood up.

 

"Sakura!"

She looked at me, with ino leaned again her. "Hey!"

"Act like we have something to talk about, I had o get away" Ino laughed, she had most likely drunk too much.

"From?"

"Guy I had sex with"

She looked over my shoulder "they look so awkward, what the hell is with your taste anyway, grown artistic emo boys?"

"Says misses pink hair, anyway I just need my opposite"

"If you really want your opposite you should go talk to your best friend"

"Doing it right now" I couldn't get around it, even with my perfect laugh.

"I'm serious, sasuke suddenly stopped asking about where you are and why.. He doesn't come off as a homophobe but-"

"Sakura please, another time" She looked down and nodded "How late do you plan on staying?"

"Not too late, ino is staying at my home and I don't think she can take as much alcohol as she used to"

Ino's yelled "Bulshit!' confirmed that sakura was definitely right.

"Sure ino, anyway nice you guys are friends again" poor ino, I knew what would come. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have a boyfriend to safe form hearing any more stories about my dick"

 

* * *

 

 

"That was.." I looked around my now suddenly calm seeming apartment looking for the rich word. "Intense"

"It was nice" Gaara mumbled.

"Which part? Getting harassed by ino and sakura, meeting some guy I had did it with or the fact you have history with the host?"

"It doesn't matter"

"gaara, what happened between you and lee?"

"it's complicated"

"Try.. please"

"we got into a fight. He was the first to ever injure me but I almost killed him, a teacher of your school stopped me but I'm pretty sure he couldn't do anything for months" yeah I heard sakura say something about Lee being in the hospital unable to recover. She was so happy when they found someone who could cure him. I never knew that was gaara's doing .

"he has forgiven you"

"He shouldn't have" he sounded so desperate, so mad.

"Okay, maybe, he hasn't forgiven the old you but he has forgiven the new you for once being that person"

He looked as if his heart had just been torn out of his chest, wrapped up in duck tape and pushed back inside. "How can you believe that?"

"Because I love this you.. and because I want to believe someone can become a new self, since if it doesn't, all I'm doing is useless too"

"oh-" More didn't come out of his mouth as I wrapped my arms around him.

"You deserve the best" I whispered in his ear, my nose snuggled into his red hair.

"Do I deserve you? Thats all I want" And he did. He deserved more than me. He deserved someone who fully loved him, every small bit of him.

"Was that a rhetorical question? I am the best" I joked.

He chuckled before I pushed my lips on his, he softly laid down, by body on top of his. He was warm. Eyes cheat on you when a man looks so cold, because they will always turn out warm. Or like gaara, venerable. It was lovely.

"Naruto" he whispered, then looked away, back at me and pulled out his shirt. That surprised me but it said enough. He was determined.

"Really?"

"Please" And so I started touching him harder and slower and I started kissing him deeper. I understood why, and what he wanted without saying it. His eyes said it all. He would accept what would happen without knowing anything about him. I gripped his butt tight as we kissed, pushing us closer together, making him move quickly and uncontrolled. "Do you want to go to my room?"

He nodded softly, though walking was more like moving while kissing, it didn't really work out that well but eventually we ended up in my bed. I kind of did miss the bumping into walls, biting and smacking. I didn't know making love could go without any pain anymore.

I loosened gaara's jeans. His face looked panicking and lusting yet like he really wanted to cry when I touched him. Naked skin against each other. His eyes from really wide to closed really tight. His moans held back and cute. He came in my hand, without a warning, and I didn't mind actually. I thought about how I was the first to touch him like that, the first to probably even touch him lovingly. A touch like this, to him, was a lot more intense. I could feel that too.

"gaara, do you-"

"yes" OUt loud and confident. He really did.

I took a bottle of lube, which we (I ,now) had stored freaking everywhere. Since sasuke and I.. we didn't plan these things, it came in a rush, a wave a tornado or an explosion. It just happened. This was all very kind and planned, it was new to me.

As I prepared things built up (that was supposed to happen) but guilt also built up inside of me. How could I think of weird crap like I did at a moment like that? I loved gaara, I really did. I wasn't turned on the way I was supposed to be. My thoughts everywhere, even though gaara looked most sexual and beautiful. As I came inside of him my mind was back, I saw gaara bite his lip while I whispered sweet words, but eventually the words stopped. I felt good, too good, coming inside him more and harder. His breaths unnatural.

But eventually It was gone, I was somewhere else. How was ino doing telling sakura? I want ramen. And the worst, what is sasuke doing?

It was horrible. How could I feel so good yet so guilty? How could I feel so guilty about feeling good?

Gaara cried into me, snapping me back. "Ah!"

"Sorry" I whispered. I knew my loss of attention was dangerous. The fact I was mad at myself was automatically turned to him.

"It's.. It's-" He never finished. I could finish it for him in a thousand ways. Dirty talk, apologies, painful whispers, begs.

I kept going, not knowing which way to finish it. I became sweeter. Kissed his neck. Cursed myself in my mind. Kissed him deeply.

"I love you" He whispered. His voice weird and almost gone.

My throat seemed to close. Like I hadn't realized what I meant when saying that to him until that moment. I loved him but I suddenly felt sick. As if you need to puke while talking, hold it back or get it out. It won't work. it never works. It hurts. It were the years that hurt. Not my lack of love, not that I lacked attraction toward gaara.. It were the years, history. People change, memories don't.

"I love you too"

 

I probably messed up gaara too bad and I do really deserve a slap in my face for that one. I didn't know him good enough, I realized after. I didn't see he was hurting; gaara tends to act like he's not. But he passed out right away and whined in his sleep as if he was dying. I thought I was careful but I didn't realize what careful really is. I remembered the first time sasuke and I had sex and how careful I had been back then (well not at first but after him treathening to kill me in my sleep I did). It was a good thing that I now knew how careful to be. But still thinking about entering sasuke while gaara is asleep next to me, even if it is in the past..

As long as it will stay in the past, a little voice in my head said.

I agreed with it. I agreed without hesitating because of gaara close to me. It will stay in the past, I thought while stroking gaara's red locks out of his face.


	13. beat.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gaara and sasuke go at it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for sticking with me!~ Have fun reading ^^

My phone rang. Now the next thing I did might be very shocking to ya'll but ..  I picked it up.

"Naruto spea-"

"NARUTO?" my happy mumbling was interrupted by the hash female voice of sakura. She seemed to be panicking, I could almost hear her heart beat through the phone.  "Gaara and sasuke they-"  
She didn't have to finish actually, I knew what was going on. A sentence with both Gaara and sasuke in it mean t nothing good. Not for me at least.   "Where are you?"

"Let me finish, they are in a fight and"

"Where are you?"  
   
I ran as fast as I could. Thank god for having the fight between them somewhere near I me so I could come in less than a minute.  
When I came to the scene three men were holding back Gaara and Sasuke was sitting on the ground black and blue, full of blood yet still managing to glare at my redhead. Suborn bastard he is.

"Gaara!"  Gaara stood stopped, sasuke's eyes widened.  The men who were trying to hold gaara back now clumsily held him, no idea what they should do.

I walked their way, trying to ignore sasuke. Which was the hardest thing ever. "Gaara stop"  I talked slowly and nicely. I knew what anger problems were like.. I knew what I hated.   " okay, thanks.. are you calm again?"   I held his hand softly. His eyes showed regret and pain for loosing it again. I knew how he had tried to stop himself from fighting. The last time he fought was with Lee, since then he had always held back. 

"I'm.."   

"I know.. It's fine, I understand"    I really did. Wanting to smack the absolute brains out of sasuke wasn't a rare thing. I wanted to do so often.Basically everyone (though everyone loved him too)  wanted to absolutely kill him from time to time.   
Though most a little less.. literally.

"Come here.." I pulled him into a tight hug.  "I love you, it's okay"  I whispered in his ear before letting go again. He looked calmer but at the same time in pain. Sakura came walking our way.  "Can you wait here with saku for one second? I'm going to talk with sasuke?"    
  
He nodded, though of course, he was a bit anxious when I wanted to talk to sasuke.   I was too.  Thrust in me was all that lacked.  Now gaara, thought I'd choose sasuke's side because he was the one beat up. Because he thought I couldn't handle seeing sasuke in pain. Somewhere I couldn't. It would feel as if I hurt myself. If sasuke gets it it feels as if I get hit too.  But I have a good tolerance for pain and I just really wanted to see sasuke hurt. It was a little bit like cutting myself when I fought with him.   
  
I walked up to sasuke who was probably in unbearable pain. The suborn prick didn't show it though. He never did.   
I took his face in my hand and studied him carefully.    "Naruto"  he said hesitatingly, with a soar throat.

"I know it's your fault and not gaara's.."

"Why do you believe him?"

"He didn't have to tell, I've known you longer than today, I figured it out myself"

He threw his head back to look at the sky and sighed with a smile.  "I've known you my whole life.. I know you" he mumbled as if he was in deep thoughts about the past. I fell into silence, my heart skipping a beat as he mimicked me.

"Wha-"

"My leg is broken" he pointed to his left leg with a bored face making me think of how he should be an actor or something   " my rib too, I think"

I nodded  "Sakura?" she was standing with Gaara now and looked at me with a thankful yet confused smile "Can you take sasuke to the hosp-"

"No.  You take me. It's your boyfriend, your responsibility."

"I- Fucking- fuck, let your leg stay broken asshole"

"Naruto"  he said sternly. For the first time I looked directly in his eyes and I was pretty sure I looked miserably lost.  That we both looked way to intense.   "Where did your loyalty go?  That was the most important part of you"  
That took me back. Loyalty was a word that always did. It was indeed the most important thing to me. My favorite word. My thing. Together with never giving up. It seemed I was really going against myself.

"w-wait here"

  
Let's just say gaara wasn't very happy when I told him to go home without me. Of course he couldn't tell me otherwise either. Sasuke was still my best friend and I could have reacted a lot worse. I could have gotten mad that Gaara had beaten him untill broken but I didn't. It wasn't weird I cared about sasuke's health.   
I promised gaara I'd be home, that I would never betray him and said that he should take a warm long bath.

 

* * *

 

  
"Nice boyfriend you have"  Of course while in the car sasuke managed to make sarcastic comments between his painful moans and whines.

"Stop talking you're hurting youself"

Sasuke leaned back, trying to act tough.  "it comes in shocks, one moment it hurts the other it's gone"  I rolled my eyes "But I'm serious, I'm glad I finally got to meet your boyfriend for real, he gave me this nice present on my face"

"Yeah because he was probably really happy to finally meet you too"

"He-  Ah shit! Fuck that auch"  I was worried and at the same time kind of glad to see him hurt; it shut him up.  I just kept thinking of gaara. If I was one with gaara I would hate sasuke too.  
So I understood. I understood my thinking of loving gaara.   
Think of gaara.  
Think of gaara, was all I though and true indeed, it made me think of gaara.

"Remember when we would fight like that?"

"not like that.. you're exaggerating"

He ignored me and looked outside dramatically  "Now you only mess me up second hand, through the hands of someone else"

"You are such a freaking drama queen you know that?"

"Aside from the pain from my leg..  I also always got what I wanted, this is new"

"How about a life, you didn't get that one, didn't you want it?" he frowned while I stopped the car in front of the hospital. "Do you think you can walk if I help?"

"hn"  
   
Sasuke cried in pain yet still felt the need to talk like he felt nothing. Weakness wasn't an uchiha thing, I was well aware of that. Sasuke did show weakness sometimes and that made him feel like he wasn't worth his family, that's why we were together. I was the one he could show his weakness and imperfection.  Now that he was hiding his pain and weakness from me I realized how much we had grown apart. I didn't want to realize it. I told myself it might be because the young nurses swooning over him but I knew better.

After a while we found out he indeed did have a broken leg and a contusion at his ribs.  Then there were some open wounds that needed to be cleaned properly.

"Do you have someone to help you out at home?" the nurse asked.

"yeah, this guy will" sasuke pointed at me cockily.

The idea only was the most dangerous thing. Him weakened and tired. Me having to take care of him,. Cooking for him and laying down together after a long day. Watching movies he hated. Both no school.

"Sasuke I can't" I whispered.

"Miss? Do you want to know how I got these wo-"

"I'll do it, asshole"

"Hn"he smiled proudly leaving the young women absolutely stunned.

* * *

 

  
"do you want to know why I started the fight?"  I looked at sasuke who was currently sitting on his sofa. Leg on a pillow and a snoppy, fucking beautiful face. Like always.

" I can imagine"

"oh really now? Then why did I do it?"

"Because.. well because you're a spoiled little brat that always gets what he wants and you have so much pride that when someone takes what was once yours, even if you didn't want it, you want to prove yourself.."

He chuckled "you know me well.. though my version is a bit more sweet. I really want you , know. "

"You mean your version is full of lies?"

"if you would have given me the chance to tell it myself it would have been.. now? Not so much. "

We fell into silence. Me looking around his room awkwardly. Sasuke leaning back with his eyes closed as if this was the most comfortable situation for him.  

"How did you get gaara so mad?"  Of course I spoke up. this was the wost situation for me. Not talking meant watching him in silence. My thoughts going everywhere. His body.. 

  "told him the truth..  which you aparently didn't" He kept his eyes shut.

"yes I did"

 He opened his eyes "well, I just told him who I was" I rolled my eyes. I knew how sasuke would do that. "Then he glared at me, no reason in particular, so I asked him why he was mad, and he said 'you know why' and I was like 'No way what could that be?' " his story wasn't just dripping with sarcasm, it was drowning in it   "SO then I acted like it hit me and said 'oh!  Could it be you're mad because naruto is in love with me?' so he said 'fuck off'  and then I asked and told him some things about our sex life and he punched me"  he smirked  "The end,  pretty nice story isn't it?"

I snorted " you could at least act like your not the bad guy"

" oh well you know how that goes in fairy tails, few years later they release a movie saying the bad guy wasn't the bad guy but he just loved too much" His voice was dripping with sarcasm once again.

"Stop making this into a joke"

"that wasn't a joke. I was talking about you, you're the bad guy, you fuck with all guys claiming you're the one who's hurt, well boohoo naruto"

"I am not! I just want to be happy with gaara but you keep messing it up because you didn't get what you wanted"

He opened his mouth. Closed it again and swallowed thickely. Then closed his eyes, his beautiful pale face looking tired and painful.  "I only wanted you"  
"So you'd leave everything else? Because that's what only means and I have got the feeling you won't even leave your own pride"  What if he would?  Would I let Gaara fall like that?

He coughed.  "Don't you want to go back to just being-"  of course. 

"Painful?"

"naruto.. when we were little we used to love each other.. laugh, talk,  play games"

"Yeah like that game where we tried to swallow big candy without chewing. The one who could swallow a bigger one was the winner. You always won. And you're still winning because the candy became bigger and these days we are still going but now you're letting me swallow knifes and stones. This goes perfectly fine for you because you can put anything away being the bottomless pit you are but I can't! it's killing me. I keep choking and gagging trying to keep up with you. You keep feeding me crap not seeing how much it is hurting me." My voice was panicking.

"I wasn't trying, it's all I have, is starving better then?"

"I'm not starving and I'm not cold anymore. Gaara is like a roof above my head and a nice dinner. It's safe and warm"

"Safety and love are two completely different things"

"not anymore sasuke. You can't marry someone who keeps you anxious"

"But Back then-"

"Was the past!"  His eyes widened a little and then he bit his lip  "I'm going home, there's someone important waiting for me"  
   


* * *

  
  
When I arived home Gaara was for once not on his usual spot. A little bit surprised I threw my keys on those of the people who had entrusted me with theirs. Which reminded me - even if I already made one for gaara-  I had to ask sasuke my key back. Not that it was of any importance now. I wouldn't be seeing sasuke in a while.  
Letting it go I went into my bedroom where I indeed found gaara laying on my bed, his head turned away from me.  Slowly I sat down on the bed. He didn't look at me but still I was sure he wasn't asleep. Or maybe he was. I would be after a day like this. 

"Gaara"

"It's okay if you want to kick me out"  I smiled sadly and let my hand move over his back. Softly drawing with my finger. 

"I don't want to"  I whispered as I started massaging his back. Of course gaara didn't make my heart jump out of my chest. He didn't make my dick jump in excitement with a look. He didn't make me want to jump of a bridge either. He made me want to live smiling again. 

"I totally lost it, I hit  your-  I hit sasuke untill broken" 

"Someone was going to hit him sooner or later anyway"   
Gaara let it stay at that. Believing me? I don't know but at least we both didn't want the discussion. We tried to ignore sasuke's excistence as much as possible.    
I kissed gaara sweetly  "let's watch a disney movie" 

"Disney?"    
  
And so we did. Well.. we did untill we were interrupted by agrassive knocks on the door.      
I sighed and opened the door with a slight frown.   "Dudeee"   ah.. kiba.   "I heard gaara and sasuke totally went at it, I am So mad I wasn't there!   God I want to see sasuke's ass get kicked ya know" 

"kiba, gaara isright there" I mumbled awkward, looking at gaara who was looking freaking awkward too.  

"Your point?!  Dude it's the fight of the age!"  

"please stop, it wasn't for me" 

"You sure?"

 I sighed  "My best friend and boyfriend? No not really no"    

Kiba pulled his ugliest face and mumbled "whatever"   He let himself in- the guy can't read situations that well -  complaining about how I didn't have cola he got a cookie and then turned to gaara "seriously gaara No one is judging you, like when you beat up lee we were judging you but fighting with sasuke.. hm.. we don't gaara that much actually"   
I do. I though. I would have said it too if it was anyone but gaara.  It felt so weird not to because when people were hating on sasuke I was the one to talk back to them.  
  
Kiba stayed for an half hour longer bitching about all the people who he wanted to fight and how much he hated the fact he wasn't there when gaara and sasuke fought. Which was rather awkward. I'd probably happily talked together with him if they weren't.. mine?  No No, that's not right. People important to me? something like that I guess.   
Anyway, after that half hour Kiba left again. Though my romantic moment with Gaara was spoiled. I saw some kind of dissapointment in his eyes and it somehow was funny to me. I was kind of glad actually. 

So I moved over and kissed gaara deeply.     
 _Where did your loyalty go?_  
I pushed him down harder.   
 _It's over now? The hurting, the loving?_  
Anger boiled inside of me every time I thought of sasuke. I worked it off on gaara. He was sweet. Cute. His skin was soft against my own. I touched gaara as much as I wanted to push away my thoughts.   "I love you"  I mumbled in gaara's ear.   
 _You can't marry someone who keeps you anxious._  
  
"I love you too" gaara mumbled as I kissed him in his neck.   
  
 _I'm not starving and I'm not cold anymore._  
  
"thank you gaara"   And that was the last thing I said before I tried to make love to him as good as I could. It was no act of lust, true indeed, it was an act of thankfullness. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoo I really fucked up this time.


	14. to be forgotten

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ugh this sucks, sorry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Everything cusive is a flashback!

_  
I sat on the side of the bed awkwardly._

_It was kind of weird to think sasuke and I just seriously touched teach other. And then I mean touched as in.. I touched the 'D'  ya know?_

_He seemed to be fine, brushing it off like he did with a lot of things.  It kind of helped me to see he wasn't freaking out. I mean, maybe I shouldn't be either. He's my best friend. Best friends do stuff like that right?  You give it a nice aggressive no homo and punch a teddy bear and it'll be fine._

_Okay I might be exaggerating quite a shitload but that is basically how and why we can._

_"naruto" I looked up. With one look at him my awkwarness for being half naked was gone. I was comfortable around him. The way I once wanted to impress him was long gone because I knew.. wanting to impress him would only do the opposite. So I became comfortable around him, and it had the perfect effect; he became comfortable around me._

_"Yeah?"    good job on not making your voice crack dickhead._

_He coughed awkwardly  "thanks, I guess"_

_For a second I didn't know what I was hearing. It was as if my mind was exploding.  the worls 'thanks' and 'out of sasuke's mouth'   or 'thanks' and 'sasuke' in particular didn't match. They were rarely put together in one sentence. Sasuke didn't really show thankfulness. A smile from his side was a heart attack for me, leaving me crying about how I was his best bud.  Ghe._

_" It's fine bro"  I looked around my small room in uncle Jiraiya's house with a stupid smile on my face  "uh, I'll put on some pants and get us some food"_

 

_Sasuke seemed  a lot better after this all.  His nod did seem a lot clearer. Before he had looked like he was loosing his mind. Like there was mist in front of his eyes._

_Something bad had happened I knew that to say the least.  Like all the other days he had walked into my room like it was no big deal. Which it wasn't. We happened to hang out every single day. Make our homework together, play games sasuke claimed to hate, watch movies sasuke claimed to hate (but watched with a smile).  Today seemed no different. Of course sasuke was a bit out of it but nothing more. So I put on a movie I knew he liked and sat down next to him._

_"naruto let's try something" he had said._

_Tension sudden growing.  "uh, sure"_

_" but I'm not.. Just know I'm not what you might think, I'm just a little.."    and then he moved over and pushed his tongue into my mouth. Credit on me for not biting it off right?   Anyway, sasuke was fucking hot ( literally). He seemed to be burning as I kissed him back.  I did so because I believed him. He wasn't-  He wasn't gay.   He's just a little-   frustrated? Horny? Emotional? On his man period?  who cares anyway, he was it just a little._

_And apparently I was it too. Because my whole body seemed to find the whole thing a perfectly fine plan  (which it totally wasn't)._

_It was kind of awkward actually and at first sasuke frowned so much I thought he'd hate me now (which would have been super unreasonable). But as his breaths became more uneven his smile appeared._

_So i was happy with what I did, I decided as I cleaned up and went down to get some snacks after the whole incidedent. I could still feel his hard on burning into my hand from before.  Weather it was emptiness or just the world forcing me to realize what I had done was a mystery.  I just knew it was very much... there._

_When I came back up  sasuke started talking immediately, as if I had never been gone.   "I'm sorry, I've been kind of frustrated. With everything at home.. I'm a young boy too but I just-   I'm sorry if I freaked you out, I meant it as friends, as weird as that might sound"_

_" If you had freaked me out I would have hit you, not jerked you off"  The way I talked about it made it more convincing. Freaked out was the thing that described me at the moment._

_Sasuke put his hand over his eyes and smiled relieved.  Making my insides turn.  Suddenly I realized that this did make us more open. To talk about things like this. To see sasuke calm and relieved like that. It didn't have to mean anything .    "-we can do it more often"  I whispered._

_"what?"_

_"does it help if I say no homo?"   Sasuke laughed, stood up and hit my head. Then let his arm fall around me._

_"dobe"_

 

* * *

 

 

"what are you thinking about?"

"same as always"

"and that is.."

I looked at gaara and sat on his lap, my legs on each side of him   "going down on you"

Gaara blushed until he matched with his hair.  I laughed happily. Same as always.

 

Gaara and I had been together for 3 months now. It was nice. Really satisfying. I wasn't getting much shit done, true indeed. I had a job though. I had started working in the you avaredge art shop.. and yes sai had helped me find it.  Excuse me for wanting to keep living in my house without sasuke having to pay the fucking rent.

Speaking about sasuke, I hadn't spoke to him since the fight with gaara. I had thought that would make it a lot easier but guess what? I was wrong.

Thoughts about him were on me like bees on flowers and ants on sugar. While I was on Gaara like.. rabbits?  I am not ashamed because touching gaara was something I really wanted to do. I was important and for everyone who thought it was fake I have a middle finger.

 

Gaara was making friends too.  Which I loved. He was hanging around Lee a lot. I didnt really mind. Even sakura minded more than I did. She asked “is lee alright? He hasnt been calling me as much as he used to..”    Sakura could say what she wanted but she had loved lees attention.    
I could only imagine how emotional lee and gaara would get from time to time. It made me worry a little bit. The two had been through quite some things together. But even if it made me doubt myself or gaara, it didnt make me feel bad. I knew Gaara wouldn’t go behind my back and so I was happy for him.

He wasn’t around my place as much as a while before that. A lot, still. AT least 3 or 4 days a week.  I was glad we didn’t stick together as glue and we could still be individuals.

As horrible as it sounds, I liked my days alone.   The emptiness of my apartment, the silence of the world, the cold  

 

“Going down on me? Seriously, How did you even become such a pervert?”

“Pervy sage”

“what?”

I laughed “jiraiya”   he nodded understandingly, though not sure what to say; afraid he’d be respectless  “ maybe my parents too? For all I know they could be the bigest perverts in history!  that does make sense, I mean I used to go to the bookstore and looks at playboys magazines until I got sent out”

Gaara laughed a little “I don’t think such a thing is genetically determinded”

“I cant really check it, so..”   

and awkward silence fell over the room.

It didnt really bother me anymore; not knowing my parents. But in the back of my mind it was always there.  Slowly eating me from inside out.    “its just that-”  Gaara looked up “Families around me are all falling apart and whining and fighting and I’m here.. not even knowing their face”

“I’m sorry”

“ Don’t be, its not like you have a proper family either.. “

“I have a brother and sister.. who love me”

I smiled.  Before I had met Gaara, he would have never said this.  “I have you”  

I had never really bonded with anyone until I was 10 or something. I dont know my parent and Im pretty sure thats illigal too.  The first person to talk to me was a freaking teacher and the second was someone I can only fight with.Then I saw someone as my family and he died, leaving me alone again.    “ I have everyone, the past can be forgotten”   I wanted to scream out what I thought but what for you?  It would do nothing and no one good.

“Im trying”

“we both are”

 

* * *

  
_“do you ever want to come out of the closet?”_

_“no,  I’ll have to get married with kids anyway, I don’t really see a problem with that. It’s not like I’ll fall in love with either”_

_“So you’re asexual?”_

_“ no, men turn me on but I don’t go and love them”   I nodded my head silently.  “what about you?”  Sasuke mumbled not looking up from his book._

_“me?  I don’t even have parents. Plus I’m bisexual, not gay. ”_

_“I don’t see the difereence, my father wouldn’t either. ”_

_I shot up. My eyes lightening up, probably.  Excitement rushing through me, thinking it was a good idea. Which I now highly doubt._

_“Let’s try it”_

_“what?”_

_“ pretend I’m your asshole father and come out of the closet”_

_“ naruto that’s stupid”_

_“ C’mon, it has to be done”_

_He sighed as I sat in front of him, a dorky smile on my face.   He roled his eyes, embarrassed and annoyed.   “Father?”_

_“yes son”  I mumbled, trying my hardest not to laugh._

_“I’m gay”_

_I frowned, slipping out of my role of sasuke’s father  “There is no way you’d say it like that!”_

_“just do the thing you find important naruto or I’m quiting”_

_“Yeah Yeah”   I sighed, calmed down, looked up again, sasuke’s dad again   “ That’s alright son, I will always love you”_

_I remember that being the first time I said I loved sasuke. In a role. My emotions got weird at the words; as if they knew.  And maybe they did fucking know. Who knows.  But at the time I hadn’t loved sasuke the way I started doing later on. Yes it sure as hell was somewhere inside me. But it was still hidden deep inside me. Sasuke was that friend. That friend that made my emotions go a little crazy, and the one I’d do more for than for others. But he was my friend. The yin to my yang. It was normal to feel like that. But the words ‘ I’ll always love you’  hit me as if they were my own._

_“Your turn”   Sasuke mumbled awkward._

_“How can I imagine it if I don’t know what they look like?”_

_“just do”_

_and so I did. I nodded and tried to fantasies a perfect picture of my parents.  “Mum, dad..”_

_Sasuke looked utterly bored and annoyed, still he replied  “yeah?”_

_“there’s no way my parents were that depressed” I mumbled quietly before looking up again and saying   “ I want you to meet my boyfriend”_

_“boyfriend?”  I wasn’t sure if this was sasuke or one of my parents speaking._

_“yeah”_

_Sasuke snapped out of his role  “why didn’t you just say you’re bisexual?”_

_“I wouldn’t have if this was real. I’m not even sure I’m attracted to guys”  I mumbled suborn and sat down on my bed. Sasuke on my chair._

_“You wha- “  He frowned  “nevermind”_

_“whats wrong?”_

_“ Nothing, fuck this”_


	15. weight.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Naruto finds out who his parents are

There was a knock at my door. My brain took some time to take the sound in since I had just woken up. Then again, who knocks the door early in the morning?   Well early.. it was eight o clock. That counts as early right?  It was quite early for me to be awake. Whoever knocked was even lucky I was ‘awake’ and ready to drink the coffee I drank from time to time.

Gaara wasnt at home for the time being. We had days like this. We both needed out time alone and today was one of those days. He needed to focus on going to school too.   Privite school but still school.

There was another knock  “Yeah coming”  I mumbled tired but not all too moody. Which was quite the  achievement so early really.

When I opened the door I came eye to eye with someone I didn't expect in the slightest; sasuke. I hadn’t seen him in about four weeks. Four months of dating gaara. I hadn’t seen him since he fought with gaara. Leaving him with his bones  broken and a father to yell at him. Five months.. six months.. since we had last made love. No.. Making love was not the right word. It was having sex without mercy, almost wanting to kill each other.  Which seemed to happen better and more every time we did it.

“sasuke?”

“You look beat”  he walked in  “The freak here?”   Still refusing to call gaara by his name, of course.

“Thanks? and no,  _gaara_  isn’t here now”

“You broke up or something?”

“no”

“oh”   

and then we looked at each other.

For how long we looked at each other?   It stays a mystery probably. I didnt know. Maybe time was going slowmotion. Maybe it flew by in a world that we were not in anymore.

Our eyes sticked together. His dark and powerful ones, with those damned perfect bags under them, piercing through my bigger blue ones. Then they traveled over each others body. We had ones known each others body inside out. Every pimpel, freckle, scar, we knew where to find them not too long ago. How much had changed in those months? In the time we were apart? Was his body, his soul, still the same?  
Had my scars even healed?

“ I- I got you something”  Sasuke mumbled walking towards the kitchen.

“you want coffee first?”

“No, now come and see this”  He took his bag and threw everything in it on the table. Papers and pictures falling down on it.

“wha-”  The answer was given to me when sasuke pushed one of the pictures into my hands. One he saw emidiatly in all those papers.

When I looked at it I realized why..  There was a pregnant red haired women, a genuinely happy smile on her face. Next to her was a women with dark hair, a young boy looking as if he was just born in her arms. I saw it was sasuke without a second glance. And the eyes of the red haired women.. I knew

“Judging from your face I take you already know..”

I swallowed painfully, by mind blank and confused “I do. That’s.. “  My mum with me inside of her. Your mum holding you.

So kindly. His mum held him so kindly. I realized why he was so devistated about his mum.. still.

“And here..”  he handed me a letter. No wait. An invetation. To a wedding. to..

The wedding of Kushina Uzumaki and  Minato Namikaze.

I held my breath and my tears. Bit my lip until it hurt and then softly whispered “Kushina and minato”

Sasuke smiled sadly and nodded. Then; as if we were in an incredible hurry. Or as if he didn’t want to give me the time to be emotional he took a paper; a letter, and started reading.

“dear, mikoto..-" I held my breath and studied sasuke for a sign of emotion  
"-I am happier than I have ever been in my whole life. Minato is so kind and takes good care of me and the little one.  HIm finding out I was pregnant was by far the most emotional and beautiful thing I have experienced.     
I want to see you again, can we meet?  I’m missing out of girl time and lady talk. I bet you are too, fugaku probably doesn’t even watch chick flicks with you.  Maybe Itachi will when he gets a little older, who knows? Or maybe you’ll get a daughter.. I wish we could see our childrens face.  
Please send me a date,  
Love kushina”    

We were still standing, still and with great tension. Sasuke red monotone but emotional (if that makes any sense). His voice was stern, but it somehow.. gave the love my mother wanted to give when writing these words.  
There were tears in my eyes because of this love. I wanted to hold onto Sasuke and cry into his shoulder. I didnt, and so my arms and legs were trembling.

“should I go on with the next one?”  I didn’t reply. I sat down and watched my coffee so focussed I could have been watching it become cold.

“Dear mikoto,   The little rascal kicks my belly so hard! I bet he’s going to get into fights or sports when he’s older. Minato thinks he just inherited his love for material arts. I don’t know if I should be happy with that.  
We’re looking for boy names, have you chosen yet?  I personally liked Sasuke way better than Nobuo. I have no Idea what all these names mean but I am having the feeling Minato is going to decieve me into giving the little one an asian name too. “  Sasuke sat down next to me and took my hand. His voice was rilling. Of course, his mother had died too, this wasnt easy on him either.  I didn’t mind holding sasuke’s hand. It was purely for comfort, no lust. I needed it.  
“Minato is kind of upset jiraiya is leaving, I am too but I know he’ll come back, even if we don’t know when.  Tell me when you’ve chosen the name.   
Love kushina”

We sat in silence after Sasuke finished reading this letter to me. We were sitting on my uncomfortable chair. In a room that was cold nor warm yet still had an wrong air.  

“Am twentytwo” I whispered  “It took me twentytwo years to see my parents face.”   Not true, but I couldn’t exactly remember my birth.

“You now know-”

“I could have known years ago!”  I yelled with tears in my eyes. I had no right to yell at him like that. I should be smiling and not crying. A weight had fallen off my shoulder.

“Naruto..”  

“Sorry,” I stood up nervously without a reason, letting go of sasuke’s hand.  “It’s all a little.. I don’t know.. I didnt mean to get mad or cry I just..”

Sasuke’s eyes were soft  “It’s fine..  I know what you’re feeling”   You will always know. I know what you’re feeling too. It seems to have gotten stronger doesn’t it?

“They wanted us to be friends but we met without them.. that’s so absurd”

“yeah “

“My mother was pretty”  Sasuke frowned and looked away. At first I didn’t know where the pained look came from. Well, untill I realized that my mother.. looked like Gaara. Fierce redhead with a blush for the one they love. It hurted sasuke to know this.    “sorry”  I whispered.

“What?”

“thank you”  sasuke looked cunfused, yet his smile seemed genuine.  I hadn’t seen sasuke look this soft and caring in a long time.

“Reading those letters.. You thought what I did”   What were you thinking naruto? I asked myself. How could I know what he was thinking when I didn’t have all of it sorted out?  Only in the back of my mind, there was this soft voice.. she knew.

“Hn”   Ah.. he did.

“Love lasts more lifetimes”  I mumbled as a statement. As if I was reading something aloud. We both knew. We knew as if itr was writen on a board in front of us; I was just the one to read it out loud first. Regretting it right after.  Regretting it a lot.

“Naruto I-”

My phone rang.   
I ignored it.

“what were you saying?”

“Nothing, just pick up”

“but-”

“do it”

 

I listened and picked up my phone. My hand rilling.

“hey babe” I heard on the other side. Gaara’s sweet voice seeming so distant and hurtful now. I felt guilty for going nothing wrong.

“hey”

“how did you sleep?”

“fine..”  There was a silence   “I found a picture of my parents”

“Really?!”

“Yeah.. So I’m going to hang up and show you tonight”

“Alright.. I’m so happy for you”

“thanks..” I whispered  “I’m hanging up now”

“I love you”

I glanced at sasuke, then went back to the world for just Gaara and I  “Love you too”

 

I put my phone away and looked at sauske again. I was one big mess. My heart was so confused when I even looked at him.  I did realize that this feeling was stirring me up. It was making me tired.

“gaara?” he asked, sounding way too emotional for his own good.

“Yeah”  I did too though.

“naruto” all our attention on him “are you happy”

“ yeah, this is a weight lifted off my shoulders, you know how mu-”

“No, I mean with your life, everything, gaara, your new job.. Are you happy?”

I thought for a seocnd. Maybe because I hadn’t really thought about it lately. I hadn’t thought about sasuke.. as much a I used to. So now - because I wanted to be honest with myself and Sasuke- I looked at the ups and downs of my life. The things my life lacked. The calmth, assurance, love, family like friendships, did they outweight sasuke?  

“Yeah.. Yes I’m happy”

Sasuk sat down as if he’d been shot, as if his mind went blank. Calm but devistated  “ I see”

Feeling sorry for my answer but acknowledging it was the best one I stopped the conversation and  looked at the pictures again. My father blond and grinning. His blond slightly lighter than mine. Overal we looked  the same.

My heart tightened as I glanced up quickly to take a look at sasuke, only to see him staring at me with dead eyes.

“ How has work been?” I mumbled laying the picture back down.

“good”  Liar. Big fat liar. His dad probably tells him off everyday. Acting like sasuke does everything wrong just because the freaking uchiha prodigy ran away. That’s not even the worst. No one would notice how sasuke was feeling. No one knew him well enough and he would always tell others he’s okay.Everyone believes his crap. Everyone except from me.

The fact he had no one to care for him of look after him hit me even harder now. He hadn’t spoken to sakura after what happened.. he had no other friends..

“Sure” I mumbled sarcastic “Do you want to talk about it?”

“Nothing is wrong”

I grunted annoyed “Sasuke, I know you, something had you beat up and emotional enough to search through your mothers stuff with the chance of getting caught. What was it that got you that fucking broken?”

“I-”

“Sasuke please stop lying”

“You okay? It was you”

“what?”

“You make me that mad, so excuse me if I don’t want to come crying about my problems to you!”

Silence.

I sat down again.  Looking at my own hands nervously. Painfully. “I’m sorry” I whispered.

“You gave me my wake up call naruto, let’s stop playing this game”

For a second, and I’m ashamed to say this, I thought about it. I thought about being with sasuke again, my belly almost flying again. But I couldnt. I wouldn’t go back after I had come this far. Not now I had Gaara. Not now I had the perfect guy, even if he didn’t make me lose my mind.

“I can’t”

“You love him”     Those words out of sasuke’s mouth were like a knife stabbing me through my chest countless times. Someone pulling my heart out and throwing it on the floor, dancing on it, cutting it open, throwing it against the wall and burning it, then merciless pushing it back through my stomach.

I was parilized.

I coulnd’t possible answer, not when he said it like that. It was true but I couldn’t..

Sasuke studied me carefully and then stood up. “I’m going back home, to work.  I might try to find some more things about your family”  He walked up to the door and openened it. Slowly, he was waiting for me. The me that was unable to push myself enough to say something.  “bye”

“Wait sasuke!’ He turned around at the last moment  “thank you”

He walked furter down the hallway. I looked at his back. The way his body formed, his hips, the way he walked, the straight back. I had missed them. I had missed the little things most. Like his voice and the way he was built. I loved Gaara. I really did but these little things, memories, lust..

I ran to the door “sasuke?” He looked at me once again. His annoyance not even covering his curiosity but patience   “I- I do miss you”

  
Then without saying anything, he walked out, a sad smile on his face. 


	16. The lucky ones.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some sasuke p.o.v.  
> He meets up with itachi.

Sasuke had never thought this day would come. It was insane. If there was one thing the past him would have hated it was this exact thing.Still he couldn’t help himself. With rilling hands he had pushed the calling button already. He probably wouldn’t even be able to get a sound out of his mouth.

He panicked.

Regretting he had even picked up his phone and got the idea to call him. He regretted asking Naruto for the number in the first place.  Sasuke tried to hang up again. Let it all be over; not picking up when called back.  
But there was picked up before Sasuke could do any of those.

“Itachi speaking”   He sounded calm. Collected and proud. Friendly, sweet, responsible. Sasuke had a thousand words to describe how his brother sounded. How his brother must have changed. Yet he had none to describe his feelings. The rush that went through him. His voice that stopped.

“Hello?”

Sasuke coughed, trying to get his voice back. Then he realized he didn’t know what to say. Even if he did.  He took the phone away from his ear. Just push him away.

“Sasuke?”

The way Itachi said his name made him want to puke, cry and crawl into the arms of naruto to calm him. All of them seemed impossible.  

The Raven was loosing his mind; His brothed had known it was him from just one cough. How could he? Did he remember? Had his cough not changed or did he just feel it?  Maybe it was just a lot like itachi’s cough. Sasuke hated the last option most, even though it was most likely.

“Hey”   

Then there was a long silence. From both sides. Sasuke had wondered about what to say when meeting itachi again. He had thought of a lot of insults. A lot of ways to seem mature. A lot of reasons why he was happier than itachi.

All of those things vanished when Itachi had first spoken.

“So it finally happened”  what had happened? Sasuke had finally called him, yeah. Or maybe it was the fact people were finally fed up with him? He realized his job and family sucked? Or maybe just that naruto had let him fall?  WIth itachi things were never what it seemed. It was like he was allknowing.

“It’s nothing”  But it was. It really was.

“Do you want to go for some coffee then?”  How could itachi stay calm in this situation? They hadn’t spoke in years. Sasuke had hated him for so long.

“No I-”

“Sasuke, please”

“But”  there was no but. He wanted it; deep inside. “.. I can’t go for too long”

“Great-”   and so they spoke as if nothing had happened. And so they decided to meet up at a coffee place near sasuke’s apartment.

Before meeting the older he tried to focus on his work. Trying to get even more done; so much his father couldn’t possibly see something was wrong. So good his father almost wanted to smile instead of giving sasuke the everlasting silent treatment. Even cursing and screaming would be better. If only something made him feel alive. Like he was here for a reason. Not to get back at itachi. Not to work. A real reason. Had he even really had one before?

Sasuke knew he had one before, even if he tried telling himself he didn’ t; or that it had always been getting acknowledged by his father. For a while it had even been getting a son; so the family would once again stand firm.

Now he knew he had been lying to himself. He still was and he knew it. He told himself work made him lose his purpose, or dropping out of college.  He knew better. He was living for the grinning fucking sunkissed dork.  Never would he tell anyone. Never would he admit he had screwed up. That someone took what was uchiha sasuke’s.. or what uchiha sasuke wanted at least.

* * *

 

“Sasuke, hey”

Have you ever had an emotion so heavy you couldn’t find words for it?  That was what sasuke was feeling right now. Happiness? Anger? Pain?  He didn’t know.

“Itachi” his voice broke.

“I was quite surprised when you called me” Itachi sat down at the table in the back; the most remote place in the slightly empty coffee house.

“me to”

Itachi lit a cigarette and smiled calmly  “so you finally found out what father is like?”

“I had expected him to talk to me..”

“hn?”

“You know.  Yell at me, scold me, rarely compliment me from time to time but it’s just silent treatment. Like I don’t exist or mean anything.He only focuses on what he doesn’t and can’t have”

Itachi smirked  “I heard that story somewhere else too”

“Was it the same for you?”

“Yes, but I was talking about naruto”   Realization hit sasuke. He hadn’t realized it was the same; how much he was like their father. Only focussing on his family, never embracing what he had. But he had started doing that. He was aware of what he had.. no.. what he used to have.

“You don’t know Naruto and me”

“But I know he’s been dating the subaku boy” Sasuke’s heart tightened. He didn’t want this conversation to be about this. His problems had nothing to do with naruto.  “You know what I also know?”

Sasuke mumbled “everything apparently” in a moody voice.

Itachi chuckled “I know he’s thinking about you, every night before going to sleep, when waking up, when making love to-”

“Okay okay, I get it”  The waiter came to take their orders. Sasuke ordered black coffee while his brother ordered a latte macchiato. Then the tension grew again.  “you’re wrong you know.. about naruto. I found out who Naruto’s parents were and showed him, I told him I was sorry and that I understood what he was doing yet he..”

They fell into silence. After sasuke’s words it seemed as if an approving smile had appeared on the elders lips. Somewhere it pissed him off; it wasn’t anywhere near funny that the only person he felt at home with didn’t want him anymore.

“Sasuke.. do you want to quit working?”

He wouldn’t deny he had thought about it. “No”   Their father had already lost one son “I could never do that to father, he already lost the son he wanted, now I’m just trying to be good enough”

A quick glance of pain washed over Itachi’s face. “sasuke.. I wasn’t what he wanted”

“Yet all I hear is how I am not good at something the way you were!”

“That wasn’t me, that was who I was forced to be”  Itachi stayed so calm.  “and the person you want to be for father isn’t you either”

“But I will be”

“Straight? Boring? Married with kids? Your face into your computer for the rest of your life?”

“I am aware of what I have to become”

“Then why are you trying to get through to naruto?”

Sasuke felt into silence. Though. His brain turning was becoming painful. Itachi indeed knew too much.   “I will figure something out”

“Is there a way to combine both without hurting naruto?”

No. No there wasn’t .  “If you know it all so well then why don’t you fucking date naruto?”

“Having him crying because I look so much like you once was enough” Sasuke looked at his coffee, avoiding Itachi’s eyes. Why couldn’t they just conversate without it being about naruto?

Itachi sighed “sasuke it’s your choice, you can do whatever you want. Maybe father will except it if you’re gay, maybe he doesn’t want to be left alone, you can try for freedom, if you dare to fail too”

“I-”

“Think about it.. carefully, we aren’t in a hurry. Yet”  Itachi smiled and scribbled down something on a paper “My adress” he mumbled “come by whenever”

“Don’t you have work or something?”

“Of course I do, I’m an uchiha”  The words made sasuke’s heart tighten. He wanted to cry. This was the man he had hated for years. The one he had blamed. He had promised himself to punch him when he got the chance. Itachi leaving him when he was young had been hard on him. He started seeing Naruto as his closest person when Itachi had left. Now naruto left and he fell back to Itachi?  That was all the contact he had. He didn’t have more people that cared about him.

“of course”

“Don’t worry sasuke, I’m happy”  Maybe.. just like itachi sasuke had a chance. To become happy.

“Are you in a relationship?”

Itachi chuckled “No Sasuke, I haven’t been lucky like you; I haven’t found someone to fit with me”   The long haired had a talent for getting sasuke emotional, that was a fact.

“oh..”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy shitt this chap was weird. Comment if you likey


	17. Fallen

The first snow had fallen. The night was cold, even if I was lying close to Gaara. My legs draped over the pale ones.  
I wanted to cry. Usually my nights with Gaara were so loving. Lips against each other, we didn’t have sex often but that was alright, I didn’t want explosive sex with Gaara anyway. I was much better off when we just kindly held each other, smiled, giggled and pecked. Kissing each others back and massaging all the hate the other had gotten away.

Now I cried. From inside. No way I could actually cry.  It wasn’t that I was sad or dissatisfied. It was just that I could hear sasuke cry; all the way from his apartment, so far away, on the other side of of the city. I heard him cry. Or maybe I just felt it. When sasuke was crying I would cry too. When I was crying..  what did sasuke do when I was crying?

Did it even matter? It wouldn’t change the fact that I was trembling in fear of the pain sasuke was feeling. Guilt making that worse. I would never get rid of our bond, even if I had broken our relationship. I didn’t break the fact our souls were connected. It made me feel horrible. It made crawling against Gaara for warmth and love disgusting.

I stood up. My bare feet on the hard wood. It cracked a little, yet it didn’t wake Gaara up from his rare hours of sleep. The night air loud. I shivered as I put the water boiler on myself. The light of the small apartment dimmed.

I walked up to my calendar, already suspecting that, that was up. And indeed, it was that day. The worst day of sasuke’s year.   

The day sasuke’s mother had died. Mikoto. The day mikoto had left her sons with their heartless father in this cold world.  

I sat down and stared at the wall for what seemed like forever. I wondered if Sasuke felt that I was feeling with him. I prayed to all the gods I didn’t believe in it lessened his pain. Without a single reason. I hadn’t known Mikoto. It was heavy on me still. I had felt it before knowing it but maybe my mother was mourning through my body as well. I didn’t mind. As long as it was about them.. As long as it was about the people I’d give my life for they could mourn through my body as much as they wanted.

“babe?”  I hummed my yes, too tired and fucked up to reply to my redhead.  “Are you alright? You usually sleep until ten”

“I’m fine.. Tea?”  He nodded and sat down on the kitchen chair, his eyes bearably open.

“So.. what’s wrong?”  

I shrugged, wondering if I could tell him. He was my one of my best friends.. my lover. Yet it was about sasuke. Even if we weren’t lovers we still had this crazy soul connection thing going on. Was that even a subtle explanation? Was there one?  “Thinking about my mother.. Her best friend died on this day”  

“Sasuke’s mother?”  I nodded.  Knowing the whole mother subject was painful. Knowing the whole sasuke thing was painful. He had lost his mother too. He felt the danger too, he didn’t miss my feelings for sasuke, I didn’t either, we just ignored them while fighting for our own happiness.

I coughed softly, handing him his tea “I was thinking about going to the grave, my mum would have wanted me to”

“Not just for sasuke?”

I smiled painfully  “Not just for sasuke, he probably won’t even be there at the same time”

 

And as I am a big liar, I stood in front of the grave the next day. Waiting for sasuke. Flowers on the grave. A nice speech about my mother, a sorry for treating her son the way I did, a sorry for making her son a homo, a sorry for not coming in such a long freaking time. No reply. Only cold wind hitting my ears. Sharp wind.  Standing against a tree with a scarf covering half my face.

A boy bowing down in front of the grave.

A boy I seemed to have forgotten, a boy that looked so different yet so familiar. Like a childhood friend you haven’t seen in years. Like he was suddenly another person. Or maybe even better.. the same person. He was vulnerable and tried to look tough. He was a damned mama’s boy who hid it by trying to be what his father- not his mother- wanted him to be. He was the same boy.

I went to move away from the tree I was standing against and walk his way. But just when I was about to I saw him sit on his knees, on the snow, his neat pants getting soaked.  He cried a small tear and then started talking.  

“Mum..”  the way he talked… someone might as well have stabbed me with the sharpest sword off realization, right through my heart.  “I miss you. Every day I think of how my life would have been if you had stayed alive. I’m so lonely. Father hates me, I know it, I don’t believe what you used to say. He just wants itachi. No one wants me mum. I wish you were here to tell me otherwise. I wish you were here to help me, make me meat up with your friend and naruto. Mother, everything would have worked out if you were here”   He stood up and straightened his back  “sorry, I shouldn’t say that.  I love you”  

I almost choked. I didn’t dare to walk up to him anymore. My heart was beating in my brain and my brain was beat up. I should have seen the truth. I should have noticed. I should have heard those words the way I heard his cry that night, without him doing a single thing.

I moved. But walked the other way. Shivering. Cold. Nervous. Pained.  

“Naruto, seriously? “

I turned. My heart beating, yet not how it was supposed to.  Sasuke wasn’t looking at me. His eyes focussed on the beautiful big grave, filled with flowers.  “How did you know?” I didn’t know what I was thinking when asking that.  It just was the first thing that came to my mind, so I spoke up, softly.

“Your footsteps.. I recognize the pase”  

Aha. I whispered. It seemed to disappear in the air though. The cold made everything seem even more emotional. It made the world seem.. well even more cold.  We lusted for warmth even more.

The look of snow fit Sasuke. It made him even more gorgeous. It complimented him, it made him stand out. He was snow white, dark hair, dark clothes.  It just..    “what are you doing here?  It is not your responsibility to look after me nor to go see my mother”

“No.. I just thought I’d go for my mother.. she would have wanted that”   Sasuke seemed speechless. He had wanted me to be there for him and him only, even I knew that. He was in pain, his monologue from before had made that a fact.  Yet here he was, a painful, yet somehow distant face. Pushing me away.  “I’m also here for you.. I feel your pain you know”

“yeah..” sasuke looked down, his hair falling over his eyes  “I have that too, when you’re hurting”  

A lot flashed through my mind. Mainly the fact that he cared. Flashbacks from when he went with me to Jiraiya’s grave. When he gave me pictures of my parents and had rushed through them as if he was hiding pain, as if he was trying to avoid a chance to feel pain.   His whispers as a sign of love. Weakness writen all over him. Since when did he show weakness?

“You can lean on me.. when you’re family won’t be there to keep you up right”  

“I met up with Itachi”  

I smiled “Ah, you did? How was it?”

Sasuke seemed to die a little inside; of shame. Shame for his ignorance. My soulmate had become a little boy again in a month or so. The man that always seemed mature compared to the rest was falling apart in my hands. Or well.. without them.   “It was nice.. he knows everything about me, even though- “

“I felt that way too when I was there.”

“He knows me like the back of his hand yet he never hears me speak”

I smiled  “I’d like to have that”   

“You have”

“Had”

Sasuke walked up to me, pain in his eyes “Naruto, please, I want to hear the whole ‘I know you’ thing once again”

“But I don’t”  Those words. Tables had turned and nothing had changed.

“Don’t say that..”  Sasuke bit his lip and looked at my shoes. His eyes pained.    
“Sasuke, let it rest.. today is for your mum”

“My mum would have loved you!”   

We both fell into silence.  Snow was falling again. We hadn’t noticed when it happened. Now there was snow on sasuke’s hair. It looked way too ridiculous and cute for such a serious fight.

Sasuke quickly pushed his hand through his hair and looked away as if he was cussing.

“Mine.. too.  She would be so happy if she knew we are friends”

“Don’t say ‘friends’ like that, you know we aren’t just friends”  History repeating itself.  

“sasuke..” he knew it too. He knew all the ways I could finish that sentence.

He seemed so weak, looking at his mother’s grave, his knees shaking  “I don’t know what I’m doing. When I used to fuck up my mum would tell me it was alright. She would give me tea and something sweet and she’d tell me I didn’t have to be anyone else. Yet I still tried. I couldn’t just be glad my mother loved me! No, I had to go and try to make my father love me too.”  His legs gave up on him. He calmly sat down in the snow. His knees probably burning so cold “You loved me! It wasn’t fucking enough. I am a horrible person, Naruto.  I can’t just be happy with what I have.. or had, because it’s only logical I loose them.”

My heart broke a little.  At that moment there was no world. I had no friends and no boyfriend. There was no job and no responsibilities. There was sasuke, breaking down in the snow.  His skin even paler than it usually was.

I sat down in front of him. My hands shivering, yet I managed to take his. His smaller and even colder one. I caressed his hand softly.  My face probably way more loving, way sadder than I would have wanted it to be.

“I love you, naruto, you are my only family”   I didn’t react. My heart aching. Mad at me. My soul too. They hit me from the inside, rushed through me and screamed to answer him. My loyalty and brain kept them from opening my mouth. Saying anything that would ruin me.    

“Please say something?”  He seemed to choke in his own words.  

“Dob-”   

My lips on his.

A fucking brainless thing to do.  I kissed him as if I had no dignity, no pride. I pushed my tongue inside of his mouth and realized I hadn’t tasted him in a half year. My heart beating everywhere. His hands in my neck, so tight, his nails digging inside of my neck, it felt like he wasn’t planning on ever letting me go.

I softly caressed his ear and he bit my lip slightly, there was snow on us. Falling down. I didn’t know if it was snow or sasuke’s tears but my cheek was wet.. I secretly pretended it was sasuke’s tear; that would make it all even more intense.

I hadn’t expected the words ‘I love you’ to ever come out of sasuke’s mouth.   I whispered that in my mind as excuse while I told myself I’d end the kiss. While I told myself it would be the last time I’d kiss him. While I told myself I would release the grip in him in a while; I told myself that over and over again, as I kissed harder and held him tighter, over and over again.

But when I finally released the other the truth and the world hit my like a bitch. Choking. Ashamed. I backed off and pushed sasuke away slightly.  “Sorry” I whispered.

“I expected that kiss to be a positive answer”  

“Sorry”

Sasuke looked at me, eyes intense, deep.  “I want you to remember what you just felt,  every time you go to sleep, when you have sex with the subaku, when you wake up..”   Don’t worry I will, I thought while standing up. Acting like his words even shocked me a little, which they didn’t. He could have stated that I would instead of saying he wanted me to do so.

“I shouldn’t have done that”

The raven smiled painfully  “Too late for that..”

I turned to walk away “Forget it, alright?”

“Never.”   His voice seemed determined and calm. It made my mind explode as he started walking.  “Naruto! Remember the word soulmate, every minute of the day”  Sasuke was being childish. He just seemed to have  lost all his sense of pride with tears running over his cheeks.   

“I-”  I turned one last time, sasuke’s face.. I wanted to kiss it until it was warm and dry again.   “I need to go”

“I love you”

I didn’t turn this time. I  just walked away and whispered “yeah.. me to”  not even sure if my exlover could hear it. 


	18. Chapter 18

The day was quiet and boring. The shop looked neat; all the art suplies in place, all the dust gone. Sai sometimes just left and didn’t come back for hours. I didn’t mind actually, sai was tiring.

The shop bell rang, making me shoot up while checking if I hadn’t been drooling on anything.  A smile on my face. It took my all my energy; I was exhausted.

“Welcome”   No reply.  Which I got when I saw who walked in. Sasuke.

He didn’t even turn to me. He walked into the shop with a smirk on his face. As if he knew how to make my heart race. As if he knew it would be useless to just fight again.  “Can I help you?” I asked as proffesional as possible. I think I failed.

“Pencils.. maybe some ink”  he replied.

“I didn’t know you draw”  I fell out of my role. If I hadn’t my throat would burn from all the heated words in me.

“Someone drew me.. the power of art”  Flashbacks to when I hoped for sasuke to be mine “ Besides.. You always see people making art instead of just falling into a depression immediately.”

He didn’t stand still to wait around for my answer. His eyes scanning the art supplies he understood nothing about. An  “oh” spoken but never heard. His thin, pale hand touching some of the brushed.  He was skinny. He hadn’t been eating properly. I didn’t want to say it out loud because he would most likely see it as a hint. He would look at me with hope I hadn’t seen in his eyes ever before and I wouldn’t be able to handle it. I wouldn’t say it.

“How did you know I worked here?”

“Sakura”  He moved on to the ink. He was daring me to ask more by replying short. Leaving things unanswered. He was ashamed of his monologue the last time, that he had done all the talking. And so it was turn.

“You went to see Sakura?”  and I was panicked and hurt enough to actually take it.

He smiled “Yeah.. we talked for quite a while” talked..  “She seems.. quite fond of Gaara”

A heart crushed right there. A heart was stabbed and thrown and stopped.   “Yeah, me too”

A soul crying, a mind thankful   “I can’t accept it naruto, do you understand that?”

“I do΅

Silence  “I told sakura I’m in love with you”   Another silence.. unless my heart could be heard. My inner scream and cries were loud enough to be heard through my skin and closed mouth.  “Of course she immediately turned on you guys and told me I had to steal you away.. that were all lies, it was sakura talking”

“Maybe it weren’t lies”

Sasuke smiled, looking elsewhere “So you are implying I should?”

Realization. Wide eyes.  “That.. no, I wasn’t saying that”

Sasuke nodded and walked closer, pencil’s, brushes and ink. He knew too, that he would never use them. It looked rather silly; him in an art shop. He seemed so out of place. The warm colors, the smell of paint and old stuff.  “Do you know what you want to draw yet?”  I scanned his stuff.

“I was thinking about drawing my soul mate” he said casua. As if he wasn’t talking to me. As he he wasn’t talking about me. As if the whole thing had nothing to do with me.   
“I do that too.. sometimes”  I whispered hasitating. We were talking as if we were strangers. Insane.

“secretly?”   

“secretly.”

I pushed the pencils in his bag, avoiding his eyes.  “And your lover,  do you draw him?”

“Yes”

Silence. He licked his lips. “when you’re all alone. Not planning on showing anyone. Just because you can’t stop.. do you draw your lover?”

Ashamed I looked away. Not planning on answering the question. I took a bag and put his suplies in it.

In silence we stood. I couldn’t do anything as long as he was standing there. In front of my desk. He was scanning me.  Taking every detail of me in, as if he was imagining me naked. Not even hiding it. His breath calm, his eyes painful.

He was the first to break the silence  “Would you come and look for a apartment with me?”

I head shot up.  “You’re moving out?”

“Not sure if you can pay the rent if my father kicks me out of our business” My heart beating in my throat. Questions rushing through me.   He smiled “maybe I can move in with itachi in the house of uchiha misfits”

“No no no, this is great, sasuke this-”  I fell into silence. Looking at him wide eyed. Emotions taking my ability to complete the sentence.  “Are you going to tell him you’re gay?”   Sasuke nodded “And that you don’t like the work?”  he held up his shoulders.  

I moved away from my desk slightly coming closer to him “Sasuke.. Sasuke.. will you-”  What did I want to ask?

“I’ll tell him everything, about you too, I’ll tell him about your mum, and how I figured out, and I’ll say that she would have hated him for leaving you be”

“What made you change your mind?”

he looked down, his bangs falling in front of his eyes “What do you think?”  

I couln’t - no didn’t want to-  stop myself. I threw my arms around him. Tightly holding him, his head on my shoulder. He seemed shocked, not moving an inch. Then when he realized what was going on he moved his head into the nape of my neck and smiled; I could feel it.  “I’m glad”  I whispered. While he hugged me closed, tighter.  We stood like that for what seemed like forever. No thunder, no storm, no fire and explosions. Lovingly holding each other. Listening to each others breath.   

“I’m afraid I’ll be kicked out”  His lips moving on my neck. Shivers. Me afraid of my own body.

“It’s like being kicked out of jail”  I whispered in his ear. My nose in his dark locks.

“I know nothing about the world”

The words ‘i’ll protect you’ were burning in my mouth. Yet I didn’t say it. I wouldn’t been able to, I couldn’t promise such a thing.  

 

The door opened. The bell of the shop ringing. I pushed sasuke away, his eyes showing all the hurt I had expected him to feel. “Sasuke, fancy seeing you here, hugging my taken employee”  

“I didn’t exactly fancy having you fuck my lover once but well shit happens”  I rolled my eyes. The normal sasuke was back. And he called me his lover, as if he had called me that back then.

“oh calm down” Sai turned to me “So the red heads done for it?” the fake smile.

“No, no, hugging your friend is not playing, Jezus”  Keep telling youself that Naruto. Maybe one day you will believe it.

Sasuke turned “friend?”

“what? You are my friend right?”  Did he miss the ‘best’ part or didn’t he think he was still my friend?

“yeah, nevermind” Sasuke quickly excused himself and walked outside. Panic written all over him. My mind still rushing. Sasuke was going to tell his father. He was going to move out and live for himself. For himself and me.  It was all I ever wanted before.. Before I met Gaara. Did I want Gaara if all of this turned out well?  I didn’t know.

Would I be able to hurt Gaara the way I would if I left him? Never.

 

“Please tell me he at least bought something?”

I chuckled and rubbed the back of my neck  “yeah he bought things”

“alright” and a horrible looking smile shot in my direction before he walked off to check things.

* * *

  
  


“So tamari was asked us to come by at christmas eve, celebrate it with her shikamaru, some of your friends some of hers”

I let my hand go through my his hair. The pang of guilt in my chest had finally faded. Still I was aware of the way I had touched sasuke with the same hands. It made me feel disgusting.

“Do you want to go?”

“well.. I’ve never really celebrated christmas like that”   

Warmth going through me. I was always amazed by cute little moments gaara had. it made me feel like I needed to take care of him, show him what life could be like. I like that sort of thing. I like taking care of people. Of gaara.

“Seriously?! It’s going to be so much fun gaara, we’ll wear ugly sweaters and buy presents for the people in the group?”

“Are ugly sweaters necessary?”  

A view of sasuke wearing an ugly sweater burned on my eyelids. His pissed off face almost turning as he whined about his blue sweater with a snowman on it. Me laughing my ass off, though my face looked like it was on santa’s body, knitted on the ugly red sweater.    “definitely necessary”

Gaara chuckled. A short silence after.  “so what do you want for christmas”

“You” I cheesily said, my belly turning, as if it was a lie. Which it wasn’t.  

“No seriously¨

I took his hand and kissed his cheek “surprise me”    

I knew too, of course, that he’d spend all his time thinking about a present for my from now till christmas. What did I want anyway? Nothing really. He’d come up with something probably.

 

* * *

* * *

 

  
  


Sasuke opened the door of the aparment he had once called home.  The Television loud. The first thing he saw was a redhead sitting on the sofa. Not the most pleasant sight for him.  He still couldn’t quite believe that weird guy had taken what was his.. then again, as much as he’d like to deny it, somewhere he did. Sasuke wasn’t genuine and real, sasuke didn’t want kind loving and sasuke brushed away a touch instead of leaning with a red face. Sasuke knew what he lacked, he just didn’t want to admit it.

“Sasuke”  Gaara said.  It had been months since they had last seen each other and at the time they had almost broke each others sculs. Though it was mainly Gaara doing the sculbreaking. Guy was tougher than he looked; short and shy.

“Gaara”

“What are you doing here?”

“right back at you”

“I basically live here”

Sasuke snorted “I have the key so I still have the right”

“Yeah, can we have that key back?”

“No. Anyway where’s naruto? I didn’t come to look at your face.”

Gaara glared and sat in a less comfortable possition.Both men trying to keep their pride.  “He’s on the toilet”  

“Is he..”   Gaara nodded. They both knew what Naruto taking a shit meant “God that will take forever”  

Sasuke walked into the kitchen with a glare on his face and made himself some coffee. While gaara stared into the nothing “You know.. I find the fact you know how long it takes for him to poo rather disturbing”

“No offence but I have been in his company in his hour of taking a crap so I win this round¨  

Gaara smiled, looking away “congrats, for once you win him in something..”

“exuse me?”both men glaring.  

“That there is no need to play a game when it has already stopped with a clear winner”

Sasuke walked up to gaara and took his shirt in his hand. Knowing he couldn’t win a fight. Still.  “You have no idea what’s going on then”

“What?”  Sasuke let go of the redheads shirt and sighed. Deciding telling Gaara more than he knew would be a bad move. A very bad move. He wanted Naruto’s fair choice. He wanted to show him what he could do now. That he wouldn’t have to fight with anyone for naruto’s loving anymore. Not with gaara. Not with Naruto himself. Because earlier there always had to be something up before love could be made.

“That you don’t know what I am capable of” Sasuke mumbled halfheartly.   

Gaara let it slip and drank his drink. Staring at the television while Sasuke walked to his old room. He opened the door. Dust in his eyes. The room smelled like naruto. Not like him. It let him know that naruto had slept there, after he left, when not with gaara or maybe before Gaara was even in view.  He smiled slightly and then closed the door.

Walking up to the toilet he said “Naruto! I’m bored, I’ll go home if you don’t hurry!”

A flashback   “Naruto! I’m bored, I’ll go home if you don’t hurry!”   A loud laugh from the bathroom  “Come here, this might take a while.”  “Go to hell”   Yet he stood against the door, a smile on his face.  “naruto.. tell me something funny”  “Alright then! When I was little and I had just met Pervy sage we would search for frogs and he would sing songs for me, It went like”  And he started singing horribly and hard “CAN YOU HEAR THE FROGGY SONG! YES I HEAR THE FROGGY SONG RIBBIDY RIBBERY RIBBEDY RIBBEDY! HEARD THIS NOBEL SONG RIBBID RIBBID-”  sasuk had smiled a little too bright for his own standerts. Luckily no one could see him. “God naruto please stop, you are making me deaf”  

 

“Sasuke?!”   

“Hey”  He stood against the door  “Have you just started or are you almost done”

“Just started”  

“Oh god”  He heard naruto laugh on the other side of the door.

Then there was a silence. A thought from naruto’s side  “Are you both still alive and well? Because if you two start something I will come out with my shit still hanging from my ass”

“Naruto please”  He saw gaara smile, so he pushed away his- no way they’d react the same way  “but yes we’re okay”

“Good! You retarts!”  Two broken and worried men smiled slightly at the retort  “Anyway what are you here for?”

“I found some places”    A silence of the other side. Knowledge about the fact the two lovers would have a hard conversation about these words out of sasuke’s mouth.  “but I’ll come back tomorrow”  

“oh, alright”

“Hey naruto?”     
“Yeah?”  It was followed by the gross sound of something falling into the toilet. This was probably the second weirdest converstation he had ever had with naruto.    

“Do you remember the froggy song?”

“I didn’t know you were so sentimental sasuke”  

“Neither did I”  

“Can you hear the froggy song?”  

“Yes I hear the froggy song” Sasuke mumbled just loud enough.  

There was a silence  “Sasuke, leave”  

“Yeah”

Sasuke walked out, sending one last glare at gaara as the redhead tried not to glare. Still he was happy. A bond was becoming strong, yet neither one of them had really done anything wrong. As much as he wanted Naruto to do everyone, and gaara wrong just for him. 


	19. Incomplete

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> get your heart beat up!

Last look in the mirror. Snow stopped falling down slowly and was now up to the knees. Socks pulled up higher.

An ugly sweater, a matching one worn by my boyfriend, the once distant one was now cooking a christmas dinner with his sister. A family they never had- wearing horrific sweaters and all- coming over in the cold evening.

A raven was once in the same situation, now back to black. Guilt. I know I was guilty but sasuke had given me so many black nights to make up for it.

A beeping noise.  

I smiled and opened Gaara’s message.   A picture of shikamaru in an apron looking as if he was completely done with his life. Then a picture of good looking meat.

To gaara <3:

Both looking good ;p

 

Now I had a phone in my hand; danger.  I should have stayed away from it. But for once, I gave myself the right. It was christmas. It would just be for now. In a half hour I’d be part of the happy perfect family again. I would keep quiet to all my friends, laugh, genuinely feel happy.  For now I let sadness wash over me; a christmas present for myself. Merry christmas Naruto.   I thought as I clicked on sasuke’s name and typed.

to sasuke:

Merry christmas (:  

A cold wave washing over me. I looked at the window, even if I knew it were emotions. They were just to cold, to real.  

There was no reply. I hadn’t expected one. Maybe he didn’t even realize it was christmas. Working like always . Was today the same as yesterday for him?  What did he do then?

 

I called itachi.   

Just a little longer; I told myself.  Just today.  

“Uchiha itachi”  Laughs in the background. He wasn’t with sasuke.

“Itachi, hey, naruto here..”  he hn’ed   “Oh. uhm, are you going to see sasuke today?”

I looked in the mirror, I looked worried. I was frowning.    “I highly doubt he wants to be in my presence right now. Later he’ll be thankful but now? Not so much”

“What do you mean? He told me he had seen you, that it went well.. I can’t force you but it’s sad to be alone on christmas”

“Wait.. You don’t know?”  Serious. Laughs becoming distant.

“what?” it was just a painful breath.  

“Naruto..” Tension. A painful voice raising painful thoughts. All kinds of options on what could be going on. Sasuke alone, crying, dead, having sex, sleeping pills, marriage, a father, blood, a lover.  None seemed appealing.   “he’s going to tell father today.  Probably on christmas evening because of some revenge that he never celebrated anything after mum died thing.”

“Is he.. you know.. right now?”

Itachi sighed “Yes naruto, and please, please keep him from loosing it all”

“But I-”

“I am unable to do so. “

“No itachi, I-”

“Priorities. You choose.  The subaku or sasuke, the party or pain.  I won’t judge you, whatever you choose”  

“Plea-”  

“I’m going back, bye naruto”

He hung up on me while I sat, staring into the nothing. Priorities. If I had ever made choosing priorities one one my priorities I might have been able to do it. But I couldn’t. I had never been good at it. I was just an simple kid, these were not the options I should have. But I did and there was no way I could actually choose.

So I did what I used to do a long time ago; I let my soul carelessly lead.

 

To gaara <3:

Something came up, I’ll be a little bit later xLove you

 

I imagined the damage that that text would do. I tried to avoid imagining how much damage the truth would do. It would break things down. I would personally burn and melt my tape, my house and blanked. Yet I failed to think sensible.

I must admit that I can’t say the drive to sasuke’s house was very safe either. No music, a mind blank and a panicking soul. The whole thing was stupid. And I knew very well I was being stupid. And that I was breaking hearts just for glares and screams. Just to be ignored afterwards.  

 

Knocking on the door. Rilling. Wishing I had worn a thicker coat, that I had taken time to put a scarf on. Or even better; that I hadn’t gone in the first place.

“sasuke?!”   I had a key. I just.. I couldn’t put it in the lock.  

Luckily the door opened. Sasuke looked at me with eyes that said so much, yet seemed endless, and bottomlessly dark.  He didn’t speak, he just gave me a broken look and walked back inside; the door wide open.

It was freezing in his apartment. There was no sign of life. The perfect apartment, yet there was no warmth, no food, no smell except from his faint aroma of his body.

I walked to the window and closed it. Then I walked to the heater and put it on.  “you’ll freeze in here”  he gave me a look saying ‘do I look like I care?’  or  ‘that is what I planned on doing’. I couldn’t take it. Walked into his kitchen and put the water boiler on.

Back to sasuke. Standing in the middle of the room as if he was lost in his own apartment. Maybe he was. Maybe he always had been lost.   “sasuke..”   that was all. I couldn’t say any more. I didn’ t know why I couldn’t. Even with his eyes were begging me to speak up. His eyes begging me to do something. Anything.

“say something” he whispered.

I didn’t. I was out of words. I was out of options and I was out of positive thoughts the moment I saw the look in sasuke’s eyes. Because I knew I was ruining everything and everyone I loved. I was making everyone hurt and cry. Sasuke’s life was gone because of me, Gaara’s hope in love would probably be crushed after I left him alone. Everyone died and broke.. Because of me.

“Say something!  I have been punched and yelled at and abandoned because of you!”   Sasuke cried.   “ _you were my last hope sasuke. You should have never been born. It’s because of the boy that was born under the cursed moon, I should have never let you and your mum asosiate with them_ ”  he daringly looked at me  “And I screamed it had nothing to do with you! That at least _you_ loved me, that my mother loved both of us!  and he mumbled if you realize that, _you might was well realize it was your fault your mother died”_

I panicked. I walked up to him and reached out to him. Yet I couldn’t touch him. Suddenly he seemed so far away.  Suddenly everything was gone. Except from sasuke. Far away, crying.  And I wondered; if there is no one to sense the world; is the world still there?  And if it is,  who is there to prove it?  

What if I didn’t sense the world?

“I wouldn’t even be a faggot if it wasn’t for you!” I realized right there that sasuke had still hoped his father would accept parts of him when he went to see him. He had believed in a positive outcome. He somehow believed him being gay would be accepted. Because sasuke hoped; even if he hid it perfectly.

Finally I managed to touch sasuke. A hand on his cheek. Him suddenly quiet. Suddenly calm, wide eyed and looking at me so directly it hurt. With tears in his eyes. The tears falling on my hand felt like blood;  he was hurt and the blood was on my hands. He died a little more every second and I had poisoned him.   “ But if it wasn’t for me.. you wouldn’t be you. I wouldn’t be me either. We have made each other and ourselves by being together”  

“I’m not complete yet.. Why don’t you ever finish things naruto?”  he had asked me that before. When I didn’t finish a book, my homework, a story or poem, when I only drew half a body or when I let half of my cup of tea become cold. I just never completed anything.  

“I’m sorry”

Sasuke let his head lean into my hand. Caressing it without using the rest his body. Intense without direct words, without a direct touch.

We stood like that for what seemed like hours. Sasuke had his eyes closed I was pretty sure he was calming himself. Breathing in my aura. I looked at him and didn’t dare to move. Moving would be horrible, moving would be like ripping off an arm; ripping us apart was like ripping apart one person. Yet I had done that. I managed. I was like Aron Ralston;  I got stuck and cut off a part of me to become free again. Yet it didn’t work as planned. I still missed a part of me. I could live freely. I could live in a warm place.. just without that part of me.

“I let another man take me..” sasuke didn’t open his eyes. Yet he put his hand on mine, afraid I would pull back. Afraid the fact would disgust me enough to do so. Actually it did. It disgusted me too much. It made me too mad. Specially when considering the fact I had sex with people when Sasuke and I were basically still involved. Because I was being unreasonable. Because I had a boyfriend. Because of the way he said it ‘I let another man take me’  making me realize he wasn’t fully mine anymore.   “I didn’t eat for a day afterwards, I still feel disgusting.. I couldn’t even get it up when he took me”  

I didn’t know what to say.  ‘good’, ‘don’t ever do that again’?  How could I?

“He looked a little like you.. I thought that would do the trick, but it didn’t”  He sarcastically snorted “As if! how can you try to replace someone by looks when you know how they feel, and smell, and sound, moan and talk, their warmth and their taste. How could you replace someone?” It seemed as if the question wasn’t pointed at himself anymore “How could you? How can you replace someone like that?”  

And I didn’t know. Maybe I hadn’t replaced sasuke, I just found someone new. “I didn’t”

Now sasuke backed off. As if he was bitten. Walked away.  “don’t lie to me again”

“I never tried to replace you, I just found someone new”

Sasuke backed off even more, my heart breaking in two  “I let my life slip just so I wouldn’t have to find someone new naruto..”

“You should have done it for yourself”

“YOU ARE THE PART OF MYSELF I AM FIGHTING FOR!”

Silence except from the sound of heave breathing and crying from sasuke’s side. The room suddenly seemed to warm. They were tired. Tired of fighting. Sasuke let himself fall on the ground. Sat down with his back against his couch and cried.

I wanted to walk up to him when my phone rang. _Gaara._  

I picked it up.

“Hey babe”   I saw sasuke shrink back as if he was burned.   

Gaara’s voice distant, my eyes on the raven.   “babe?”

“Yeah sorry what?”

“I said: Where are you?”  

Where was I?  That was not the question right? The question was whether or not I was going to tell him the truth. Sasuke knew it too. He daringly looked at me. He was daring me to tell the truth, but also to lie. He was daring me to talk Gaara anything while I was obviously swept away by him. 

“Jiraiya’s grave.. I’ll be right there”   Sasuke smiled the saddest smile I had ever seen and then looked away. First I was afraid he would be mad, scream at me and at the phone. Take my phone away and yell ‘he’s with me’ but he didn't , he was just disappointed. I didn't know if that was better, but at least gaara would live.   At least gaara would smile for a little bit longer.  

“Oh.. alright. Hurry”

“I will”

“I love you”  

I looked at sasuke. His head resting on his knees. His hair messy and his skin pale.  Bones, all skin and bones. As if he could break any moment if I didn’t hold him.  
Gorgeous. The cold himself.  

I looked at sasuke.  I heard  gaara talking but listened to sasuke’s cries. I felt sasuke’s presence. I felt my mind lose slowly.  “yeah.. see you in a bit”  Asshole. You fucking asshole,

I cursed myself.

then hung up. 

“I'm sorry”  No reaction. Sasuke didn’t even lift his head. Ignoring me with all he had.  “Sasuke..”   He hated me. I was sure of it.  

I thought about all the things I had ever heard or read about soul mates.

One dies if the other dies, one hurts when the other hurts. The two once were one.  You love them in every life. You’ll only realize it’s them when you’re on your soul path; or when you have to get back on it.  A soulmate is the one that makes most of you. A soulmate..   “sasuke talk to me”   

“You should go before Gaara leaves you”   Terrified. I was terrified when he said that.  Because it seemed as if he had finally completely lost himself.  The sasuke I knew seemed completely gone.

“Sasuke.. listen to me”

“then _say_ something”  He looked up. Glared. "don't just talk, say something"

“but.. don’t we have that telepathy thing?”

He chuckled devilishly  “how could we? I don’t know what I’m thinking”

“yeah.. me to”  I whispered bearably hearable while walked towards him. Sitting down against the couch. Next to him. A half meter between us. We weren’t even touching yet I had never felt him be so heavy. I sensed movement next to me. Sasuke let his hand fall next to his body;  an invitation to take it. An invitation to feel him, help him, let him forgive me.

I didn’t take it. It would only mean I’d have to rip us apart again.   “do you have the telepathy thing with Gaara then?”  Sasuke asked, taking his hand back.  

“I hope not..”  

He was finally looking at me, his head resting on his knees, but he seemed a little more sane now.   “why?”

“He would be able to know what I’m thinking now”  The truth. With sasuke I sometimes just couldn’t lie anymore. I didn’t even want to be honest. I didn’t have to be honest. I just was. I always was honest with sasuke.

“What are you thinking right now?”

“What are _you_ thinking right now?”  Was it an answer? A question? Or maybe just me, beating around the bush? I didn’t know. I didn’t care.

Nor did he answer me. Neither one of us answered the question with so many answers. Because we didn’t know. We didn’t know what we were thinking. Our minds had completely blacked out. Our souls had won. Our soul had beaten our minds until broken. Now we had no words, just feelings.

I let my hand fall to my side. I felt sasuke do the same. And slowly, without looking at each other, we moved our hands closer to the others.  Until they touched.. Just a little touch.  Something that could have gone unnoticed.

But it didn’t.

I had never been so aware of a touch.

I had never felt a touch to hard, so heavy, so meaningful.

I had never felt anything; it seemed.

“our lives are messed up”

I smiled painfully, thinking about everyone I was letting down “who cares about something unessential like a life?”  

 

* * *

 

I rang the bell of the villa.  The door opened immediately. Lee.  Glaring as if I was dead to him.   “leave”

The door closed again. And there I stood. In the dark. midnight. 3 o clock. The christmas party would stop at 1. I was aware of that. I was too aware.

Gaara had looked forward to the christmas party, it had been his first one.  Yet I was somewhere else. Next to someone with a sweater that didn’t match mine. Not giving presents but screaming and crying.  Once again. I got swept away. As soon as my brain woke up, recovered in the slightest, I felt like dying.

I rang the bell again.  “Gaara!”  I rang the bell again and again.  “GAARA OPEN THE DOOR!”  why was I even yelling? Why did I even care? I had brought it on myself. I was aware of what would happen and it did happen.

I rang the bell of the villa again. Though Lee would probably open the door again. Lee probably had been with Gaara all night.  Which meant that if I lost gaara, I would loose him too. Probably everyone at the party. Which was.. well everyone. All my friends. Even shikamaru, the guy had been my best friend lately. He probably hated me now.    
“GAARA!”

A window above me opened. Tamari’s room.   “FUCK OFF NARUTO!”

Yeah I know. I know. I should. I should have fucking fucked off. I should had fully taken sasuke’s side. Or fully gaara’s side. I shouldn’t have taken sasuke’s side and half heartedly come back to gaara in hope it would make him hurt less. Of course it wouldn’t hurt him less.   “GAARA!”  

This time the door opened. The sight that I had expected, still it hurt. Gaara looked broken. Pained. Tired and sad.  Back to the boy he was when I had first met him. Not trusting people. Because I was the one who told him it was okay to trust someone. That it was okay to trust me! It was the biggest fucking lie. I should have never told him to trust me when I couldn’t even trust myself.  Why did I let so much people rest their weight on me when I was trying to fly to where sasuke was? It would only make me throw their weights back at them so I could rise.  “ Babe”

“Tell me” he had cried. 

“I’m sorry, I know-”  Stop apologizing naruto. Stop lying. Stop it. Stop it. Just stop. You have managed to honestly love for months but you won’t be able to do it again. You are broken and no glue will ever be able to glue it again when you’re missing pieces. Not even a genius can make a puzzle complete if there are pieces missing. So just stop.

“Where were you?”

“I-”  he already knew anyway. There was no way he didn’t  “Sasuke had a fight with his father.. I was just afraid he would kill himself.”

“he should have”

“NO! no, no, no.. don’t fucking say that gaara, don’t you fucking-”

“I could have done it too”

“no you couldn’t?”

Gaara glared at the ground “Sure I could have, and you would be sad and maybe even broken but..”  he knew.. he knew it all.  “You would have survived.”

“Gaara..”

“I was waiting and waiting in the cold for you to come home. Lee stayed with me because he was afraid I’d break down..”  

I looked at the ground. At the snow.  “I’m sorry”  

“I love you”

My throat was closed. I couldn’t reply. Sasuke had stolen my ability to lie. To love another.  “I care about you so much”

“I once thought that was all I deserved”

“But it isn’t”

“I know”  his voice broke.

“You deserve to be held so tightly, with so much love.. “

He swallowed painfully “you did that”

“Gaara. “  He looked at the ground, in tears.  He didn’t know what he wanted. I didn’t either. Was he mad at me or was he trying to convince me to still love him?  “you can’t find your soulmate like this”

Gaara seemed to break inside at that exact moment.   “Because I spend my time believing you are, and now you mess me up enough to make incapable of ever believing that with another”

“Someone will fix that”

“you promised you would do that!”  tears could be heard in his voice.

Thunder in my body.  I did promise that “I realized I can’t.. I am not a good person, gaara”

“I know”

I looked at the ground  “I never cheated”

“was it hard not to?”

I swallowed.  “yeah”

“leave”  

“yeah” my voice was gone, the yeah never really got out.    
 Gaara seemed as if he could break down in tears any moment. As if he’d turn his words back if he had one more loving thought about me. He hadn’t even broken up with me. I couldn’t do it either. Maybe he still believed that we could be.  “be safe please”

“go”

 

 


	20. Stuck when avoiding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shikamaru is hella smart, naruto is sad, sasuke's a sassy god of love and gaara is fucking heartbroken (have fun baes)

The twenty third text today.  My hands close to me  but my eyes focussed on the mobile phone. Emptiness. The feeling of vomit going through me but never coming out.  

The messages weren’t all from gaara. Then again they were all about Gaara. Friends saying  “I’m not mad but-”  friends saying “Naruto, you are an asshole seriously because- “  So basically they were all pissed off but some are just a bit sublte.  

 A knock on my door  “naruto open the door”  Shikamaru.

I walked to my door with a painful thumb in my stomach. For a second I thought about not opening it. Making it seem as if I was not home. As if I had killed myself. As if I had magically disappeared from the world with two men waiting for me to come back.

Instead of doing all that I opened the door. Shikamaru didn’t look mad, or disappointed. He did look a little bit more tired than usual .. he was probably the one being kept awake by the subaku family.  “ Hey, naruto”

“I am an idiot, I broke his heart and you haven’t slept in days?  Oh yeah and sasuke is an asshole?” he rolled his eyes “Read your mind ?”

Shikamaru smiled  “Yeah.. but you weren’t wrong to do it, just the way you did was.. kind of fucked up”

“You’re not mad?”

Shilkamaru stretched and yawned while walking in  “Me? no, I knew you were going to leave him for Sasuke from the start”

“I haven’t”  

A frown “Yeah about that, please don’t keep him at a line. If you let him go he might be happy with Lee or something but right now he’s desperate.”  

“lee?”  I frowned “ I don’t believe it,  still worried gaara will do something to himself”  

Shikamaru hit my head  “Your mind will do something to you if you keep thinking like that!”  I blinked in confusion “Even before you were fucking sasuke it was obvious you two had something more! Naruto you need to stop caring more for others than for yourself, don’t do shit half assed. It’s either Sasuke or Gaara, love or safety “

“Tamari will kill you”  Still I was so thankful. I had my friend.. I would always have him. Same goes for Sakura. I was a fool for thinking they’d hate me.  

“I don’t care. That’s the thing, tamari won’t kill me because she understands I am a person myself and I can’t change that. If tamari leaves me, which I hope will never happen, I will still be that person.. you know why?”  I awkwardly shook my head and sat down, listening to a shikamaru like a kid would to his father “Without tamari I won’t fall apart, she’s not something that holds me together, nor something that keeps me dry, she’s someone I love but.. I won’t rely on others”

“That’s easy to say for you but it just doesn’t work that way for me!  I need Gaara to keep me together, I need sasuke to make me complete and I have a hard time choosing which one is more impo-”

A smack against my head.

“You are a fucking idiot! You don’t need a brain as big as mine to see that you just need to find yourself. Nor do you need one to see that you belong with sasuke by the way”

“I belong with sasuke?”

Shikamaru snorted “Yes because if I would just have said the exact same thing about gaara you would have fought me on it” that might be true.

Shit.

Fuck this.

“Bingo”  Shikamaru mumbled; my face must have given it away.  

Shikamaru pushed my phone in my hand and smirked “say something to gaara”

“I want to talk to sasuke first”

“After trying so hard not to play gaara? Don't think so, just call gaara before you mess it up again”

I looked down “Yeah about that..  “

SHikamaru smacked his head with two hands and grunted “You are hopeless”

“It was only a kiss”

“That’s what pregnant teenage girls say too”

I frowned “I’m serious”

“Alright alright,  whatever, just call Gaara please”  Shikamaru stood up  and brushed himself off as if sitting in my room had fully covered him in dust. Which it might have since I never really have had to clean for myself;  had the arm and glue for that.   “Now we just have to hope the almighty wind queen won’t kill me”

“Good luck”

shikamaru smirked “says who?”

I chuckled without any heart in it, staring at the phone in my hand. The plan of ignoring the whole world crushed and gone.

I walked through my entire apartment about 3 times.  Clicked gaara’s name then pushed it away again.  Stared at Sasuke’s name for about 5 minutes and then clicked Gaara’s name again.  

Pushed call.

Clicked it away;  I needed to go to the toilet before calling.

And so I went to the toilet. Sat down on the toilet pretending I had to take a shit but it wouldn't come; wishing nature would just help me out here.  It wouldn’t.   Nothing would. I was alone for it and I didn’t have the power to hurt someone.  

* * *

 

A knock on the toilet door, shikamaru who had forgotten something? Wanting to push on how stupid I was?  Probably.  “Yeah Yeah shikamaru, I know but I’m busy!”

“Shikamaru?  I thought you were dating the Subaku boy? I’m telling you naruto, I will even win from shikamaru if I have to" A warm feeling spreading through me. Sarcastic;  Sasuke.  

Sasuke

Sasuke Sasuke Sasuke.   

Act normal Naruto.  “How did you get in?”  “With my key?”  Goddammit naruto you fucked up.

I stood up and pulled my pants up  “Get away from the door or I’ll hit you with it”

“Pretending to take a crap so you can get away from your responsibilities?”  

I opened the door so hard that it would have hurt if it hit him, sadly enough it didn’t.  “Are you mad?”  I walked past him, not trying to look in his eyes.   

“No, I’m a just really confused and hated by literally everyone”

Sasuke looked away and smiled “Join the club”  

Realization.

Of course!  That’s what he’s been freaking feeling all this time. How could I be so damned inconsiderate of his feelings when he had just let his whole life slip?  How could I?

“I don’t hate you”  

He smiled “ I don’t hate you either”

“Yay” I mumbled sarcastically while moving to the kitchen and making a cup of coffee for sasuke.  Black. Fully black coffee.

He sat down and looked around the room.  A frown on his face because of the mess I had made. the muff smell that hung in the entire apartment because I didn’t want to open a window. My arms poisoned with desperation  “Where are you living now?”

“Hotels.. I have saving money enough”    I nodded and placed his coffee in front of him   “Why were you hiding in the toilet?”  

“Need to call gaara”

He looked up, his eyes hopeful and painful at the same time; as if the two meant the same to him “Why?”

“ Talk things through.. I have told him that I can’t be the one for him and everything.”  I looked away from sasuke  “He’s not ready to let go, I’m not sure I am either”   

“How can you not be ready when you know it won’t work?” He was mad, a glare in his voice.

“I don’t know!”  

“I’ll talk to him if I have to”  

“Please don’t”  We sat in silence for a while.  Looking at each other and then back to the wall. Awkward.  Painful. Tens. Heavy.  Yet I felt like I didn’t want anyone else here. I didn’t want Gaara in my house. I didn’t want anyone else near me. I was glad it was sasuke, even if that meant awkard silence “5 months is not nothing..”   I was talking about the relationship of gaara and mine.  

“14 years isn’t either”   He knows how long we’ve known each other?  By the year?  I hadn’t expected him to.. you know.. care.  

“True”  I bit my lip “hey sasuke?”   He nodded heavily  “If you need a place to stay.. I have an extra room”    
He smiled “Sorry I can’t”  

A stab in my chest.  

Panick rushing through me; heat to my face.

Choking.

“What?”

When he noticed that his words brought me in pain he quickly shot up and placed his hand on my cheek  “Not because  don’t want you naruto”  I closed my eyes, fearing what came next  “I want you too much, and I don’t want to be some second lover, but if I stay here I won’t.. I won’t be able to hold back”

“We’ve managed not doing anything before”

“What if I don’t want to hold back?”

Naruto looked away  “Then you can’t come here again” A face that fell. Probably the most painful sight he had seen, not ever because well, they days before had been rather heavy but sure as hell it was a painful sight. One to make an heart ache.  “Untill I have talked to Gaara.. Leave until I’ve talked to Gaara”

“How long?”

“I’ve waited for you for forever! Please let me sort this out”   

Sasuke rolled his eyes and put his legs on top of each other.  “Whatever, just don’t stick with the asshole”  

I smiled “I won’t”  Since when was that choice so made?  How the fuck had I decided that? Didn’t I say I needed gaara seconds ago.

I do need Gaara! But why, right now I felt like Gaara was nothing?

I didn’t even want to think about Gaara.

Why did everything inside me disagree with my mind?

A quick calculation; was I ever sure about wanting only gaara when with gaara? No.  Am I sure of not wanting gaara when with sasuke? yes. Yes but then why.. why does my whole body hurt?

“Can I kiss you?”   

“Wait”  

Sasuke looked at me and frowned “I don’t want to wait”

“Prove you have become a patient new man”

Sasuke groaned “I have changed but I’m still me, I still want you”  

“I know.. but you know what I want?..”  He looked at me, eyes filled with hope; his mask had cracked big time and he seemed unable to fix it this time “I want myself too.. First. Before doing anything else”  

“Didn’t we agree we were one?”  

I looked down and bit my lip “Yeah, we did. But I’m always saying stuff like that;  ‘I need glue to fix me’  or ‘I need you to complete me’ but I don’t want to rely on that anymore”  I was literally saying what shikamaru had told me this morning but the guy had a good point. He was right. Shikamaru was there to smack sanity back into me.

“Alright.. sure, if you think you’re not you now.. I can’t have you now because it wouldn’t be you” deep, not what I meant but a wonderful conclusion.   “I’ll wait for you, I’ll try to stay on this path, stay me”

“I want to keep you close still.. with no family around and all”

“You have friends, they would lov-”

“I was talking about you, you gave everything up for me”  Sasuke smiled and nodded.   “It’ll work out.. after we’re better people.. The first step is-”

“Talking to subaku”

“Gaara”  Sasuke smiled and then turned his back to me.  

Walking, I felt like he had something new.

Serenity.

Calmth.

Acceptance, mainly.

He stopped when close to the door, kept his back turned to me “When we were little I felt like no one would see me as an equal, it was always either that they saw me like some uchiha god or that they saw me like my father; a misfit..  So, that’s why I love you, you made me feel like a proper person, one that has to fight for what they want, but they get something, little by little..”

“I’m glad too”

Sasuke turned to me, finally, a broken smile “Let’s make each other human okay?”  He knew how many times I had been humiliated, how many times I had been called monster and misfit for no reason.. we both just wanted to be normal.  

“yeah.. sounds like a plan”

 

Something inside me clicked, changed when when the door fell shut. The door didn’t only hit the frame; it hit my mind.  

Without a second thought (or pretending to go take a shit, sorry for that by the way)  I took my phone and called gaara.

I sat down on the couch; he picked up almost immediately.

Silence on the other side. My turn to make things right  “Gaara”    Silence again “Yeah, you’re mad at me, I know that”  

“your point?”

“I messed up. I don’t mean that I messed our relation up; that’s not even what I feel worst about. I fucked your evening up, and your hope”  Another silence  “I don’t want us to stay together”  I think I heard a heart break on the other side of the phone; I never knew silence could sound so painful “You deserve to be happy, no matter what you say I know I can’t do that. I can’t fully be yours. I need to stop relying on other people and live for myself.. I need to let you go”

“Live for yourself? You’ll go back to sasuke won’t you?”

“No! maybe eventually, if it turns out that way”  most likely yeah, but I wouldn’t tell him that  “and maybe one day it’ll turn out that we were meant to be, no one knows what will happen but right now I am bad for you and myself, you should forget I happened but stay yourself, you are wonderful and you have people that love you now-”  

I fell into silence because of the soft sound I heard on the other side; gaara was crying. He wasn’t denying anything I said, he was just crying softly.  “I-  I want you to be happy”   his voice sounded painful but sane. Good.

“ I will be, I’ll find myself.. you need to find yourself without me too, when we have done that, maybe we’ll meet again”  I really did think that way. Gaara had had no real ‘him’ untill he met me, making him think I was his ‘him’.

I know this all sounds very cheesy. Typical breakup but.. it’s the truth.

“I love you”  

I looked at the ground. Swallowed and then, without telling a single lie I replied “I love you too, gaara”  Like a brother, like heat in the winter, like family.. I did.. I really did love him.

 

 


	21. a suitcase with unsent letters.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gays comin back together.

Saying goodbye to everyone was the hardest thing. Gaara had become calmer and managed to act like my friend. When I told him I was leaving we hugged; he was rilling. Shikamaru smiled and nodded. This made me realize that the choice to move away wasn’t only one that felt good, it was a smart move too. Sakura and Ino kissed my cheek and then laughed together. It warmed my heart. The way kiba tried to pull a no homo act on me, but I could see he was emotional warmed my heart too.  All of them did, still I didn’t want to stay.

The only one I didn’t manage to say goodbye to was Sasuke. I left him a letter. It was weak of me, it was stupid and foolish. It’s just that I know myself, and I know that if I had looked into Sasuke’s reborn eyes back then, I wouldn’t have left.

 

I wrote a lot of letters starting with ‘dear Sasuke.’   I send none.  In those letters I avoided getting sentimental. I simply wrote what I had been doing.  ‘The days are warm, I live by a temple, you would have hated it here’   stuff like that.

Sometimes I ended them with ‘I miss you’ or ‘I love you’  and I’d feel terrible for quite a long time.

The temple I meditated in was one that jiraiya had meditated and trained in as well.  It was called daadur, which can roughly be translated to toad.  I tried to mimic the writing in one unsent letter to sasuke. मेढक . Daadur. Daadur. The place that had once been like jiraiya’s home. It started becoming mine too. I meditated until I managed to fully control myself. My home was small. A single room. A shared bathing place. A shared place to eat. I had little stuff yet the room was very warm. I had gotten some candles in the city; the electricity often stopped working. I found a few restaurants I liked, only going there for fun after I started getting used to the temples food.

I rarely went to any place with internet so I spend my time writing and reading jiraiya’s books. The time that I did was to call sakura.  Sakura told me about Sasuke. He was living in the same apartment building as itachi now. Itachi had sweet talked the householder and now they lived in the same place. Still trying to avoid each other.  It hit me with irony but I figured it was best not to mention it when meeting sasuke again.

That hit me hard too.

Meeting Sasuke again. When? I wondered if he was mad at the man he loved, who had left him alone to go to india. I wondered if he hated me and realized he was better off with someone else.

I wondered if he was happy.

From all that Sakura told me he did sound happier. Living with Itachi, getting a new job.. he even told a few of my friends he was gay and explained what had happened. Sakura said it sounded stubborn and hateful, but that it was a start. I could imagine just how it had gone.

Sakura was always with ino, she said. Though when I asked her what kind of relationship they were having she had a hard time answering it.  “Pass! we have a close relationship, it doesn’t matter if we are dating or if we are just friends as long as we can stay together.. like we are young again”  I told her that they still were young, and beautiful, to which she laughed;  I heard another girly laugh and high scream in the background.

 

It had been a half year to be exact when I went to pack up again.  The old man of the temple, that looked like a from himself, gave me a necklace I always needed to wear. I hung it next to the one tsunade had given me when jiraiya had died and thanked him.

Two of the others hid their emotions by joking “You have become so tanned! Your white girlfriend probably won’t even recognize you!”

I had never told them, but the struck something inside me. Probably the fact that Sasuke really was very pale. The palest.   “My boyfriend actually.. and yeah, we will look like brown paint on white paper when together.” I wasn’t that tanned. But then again sasuke really _was_ that pale.  

 

And so, with a body full of serenity and a suitcase filled with letters I had never send, books, no clothes, I had all I needed when I got back. No house waiting for me. But my home was;  I left to go back home.

I had realized I would be fine on my own. I had realized that sasuke wouldn’t hurt me anymore, not only because I believed he had changed but also because I knew that I would only pick up the positive things about him; if he’d leave again, it hadn’t been meant to be.

 

A long trip. My legs hurting and almost falling asleep. Even if I had never minded flying- I seem to be a bit of an air person-  it was tiring. In the taxi I had fallen asleep for a while, embarrassed I had tried to keep myself awake right after. A smile on my face as the city started getting into few.  

I send the taxi driver towards Itachi’s house. It was the closest I could get to sasuke. I wanted to see him, see if he had changed, see if I could stay me. The me I had become after this half year. See if I could be a person that could make old monk Fukakasu proud, even when I was with my yin.

I knocked itachi’s door. My heart beating in my forehead. Tired, excited, in love. Still. I was still in love.

Sasuke didn’t know that. Sasuke probably thought I had left him. He probably didn’t believe I would come back for him. He had probably found someone else..  yes.. there could be someone else sitting in his room. Smiling at him.  

The door opened. Wide eyes. Panic?  Did he realize it was me? How much had I changed?  Did itachi see me, his brothers lover, a traitor, a young boy?  “Naruto?”

“Uh, yeah, that’s me”  Naruto you are a free man, stop being a walking bag of insecurity.

Itachi smiled noted for me to get in, put the water boiler on “so Naruto.. tell me”

“I went to India, to meditate”  

Itachi smiled “I know.. now tell me why you are here, what have you learned?”

“I learned a lot.. I am able to take my life on now. I am ready to take sasuke on now, I won’t break down again. I won’t try to replace anyone. Itachi, I am good enough for him now, please leave your brother in my hands”  

He smiled “Naruto.. I’ve left my little brother in your hands a long time ago”  I looked down, ashamed “I’d do it all over again. Turned out quite well don’t you think?”   

“But I-”  

“made him realize what life is”    Itachi put some tea in front of me. Ordering me to shut up without using any words. A soft smile on his face.   “Sasuke comes home around 6, drink your tea and I will give you his house key after”

I grinned. Itachi had the key of sasuke’s house. They were bonding. They were brothers. Sasuke had thought he left his family but he didn’t even realize he was just getting it back.  So was I. Even if I had intended the same. I was getting my family back; I was my family. I was all of my family there was left. Once I had found myself, I could start to built a new one. Now.. Right now I could start to built a new family.

 

Sasuke had pictures of me in his room.

It amazed me.

This showed me he had really changed.

The old Sasuke would have thrown those pictures out of his window, or burned them and then put on his mask again.  The old Sasuke wouldn’t even have searched for these pictures at all.

When I walked through the apartment I found the letters from my mother, on his desk..  he had gone to pick them up at sakura’s, where I had left my most important stuff. Because I didn’t dare to leave them with sasuke. Because I didn’t dare to speak with him before leaving.  I left him a letter.

Shocked about the fact he had the letters I went to his bedroom. I stormed in a little too loud and opened his closet. Looked around. White, black, grey, a few blue things. Blouses, skinny jeans, neat shoes, suit jackets..  Not my stuff.

Though when I turned around, my eyes crossing with the neatly made up bed he slept in every day, I saw orange. And so I walked up to it. Slowly. As if the colour could bite me.

It was my shirt.

The shirt I had left at his place the day I had confessed to him. Over a year ago now?  Probably.  I had ran off, thrown with everything in his apartment.. it seemed like something I wouldn’t do now but I had. I had gotten so mad because he was afraid to love me. I shouldn’t have but I did.  Maybe it was best. Maybe if I hadn’t I wouldn’t have left my shirt there. I would have taken it all and left again. He would have obeyed quietly and he would have gotten married, done his job. He wouldn’t have forgiven Itachi, he wouldn’t love me.   He wouldn’t show painfully vulnerable things like sleeping in my shirt. Damn, he wouldn’t even accept it enough himself to sleep in my shirt.

But here I stood, alone, but with realization that even without me.. he had lived for me. While I had lived for myself. For myself so he could live for something steady.. maybe.  

I didn’t dare to make myself something to eat or drink. I barely dared to touch anything in the unfamiliar house that somehow looked like I lived there.  So I sat down on the couch and closed my eyes. My feet on the ground. Thinking. I was being a nervous wreck, I needed to calm myself a little. How do you make someone you have left several times believe that you will stay with him?

How do you explain yourself?

What will you say when you meet your soulmate again after leaving him?

 

I was warm. My eyes closed..  I was laying.

No, I wasn’t just laying, I was laying under a warm blanket. Soft and nice. And so I realized I wasn’t in India anymore. And so I realized I wasn’t sitting up straight in sasuke’s apartment.

And so I snapped my eyes open.

Sat up straight.

Looked at the man sitting in the chair next to the cough. A cup of coffee in his hand. “sasuke” I whispered, my voice bearably hearable. So many things I wanted to say.  My mind wasn’t clear. I was tired,  I had traveled for too long.

“Naruto..”  I hugged the blanket closer and smiled at him. Loss of words.

For a while we stared at each other. He was pale. His cheekbones seemed a little bit more pointy. Or maybe he had gotten thinner?    His hair was slightly longer, still it didn’t look ridiculous like it had done when we were younger and he let it grow.  It was nice. Fitted his thin face.

I must have looked chubby, way too tanned and foolish. Specially when sitting on his couch with big eyes glued onto them.  “I’m glad someone is sitting on that couch for once, hasn’t been used since I moved in”

“You’re more of an chair person”

Sasuke smiled “I think I didn’t buy it with the idea of sitting there myself..”

silence.  A painful silence again.

“Why did you only leave a letter? Why didn’t you tell me where you went so I could send letters to you? Why didn’t you check your mail?”

“I needed to find myself.. I have, and now I’m ready to be with you”   I had highly doubted he’d understand. After seeing the pain in his eyes I had been sure he wouldn’t. He’d get mad and afraid. Afraid of me leaving and afraid of his own feelings like he had been before.

“Alright.. Alright, I understand”  He looked at his hands “Are you sure you are ready because if you stay.. I won’t ever let you leave again”  

Not sure whether it was a treatment of compliment I just nodded  “I’m sure, fine, go ahead and make me stay”

“I trusted you’d come back all along.. I didn’t expect I’d have to so anything”  He put his coffee down and smiled kindly.  

“you don’t.”

He walked over to me and sat down next to me. I wanted to kiss him. I wanted to have sex with him.  But mainly I wanted to stay with him forever. And so I kept calm.

I turned to him, let my hand rest on his hip and my head on his shoulder. I could feel his breath. Intense and warming.

At that moment I realized that the love we used to share was long gone. It had been replaced. It had been replaced by intense happiness. The way we were in love had changed to loving each other.  The abusive sex.. The abusive sex would change into something so lovingly. It was under my control. I would control myself. I would love him softly.

“Naruto”   

“Yes” I whispered in his neck, getting his blouse in my mouth a little.

“Kiss me, I want to get to know the you you have become”  

And so I did.  I looked up and kissed his lips passionately. Again. Again and again. His hand was on my jawline. His breath was heavy. sometimes his tongue traveled through my mouth. Then we pulled apart and he’d put his face against mine, breathing next to my nose, or in my ear, staying as close as possible.   “They remembered Jiraiya..”  I whispered somewhere in between “They saw that I was thinking about you. . said it was written all over me”  Sasuke smiled against my tanned skin and pecked it softly.   “I wrote you a lot of letters”   

He pulled back, eyes big  “I got none”

“I send none.. I just wrote them.. I brought them though”

Sasuke smiled and threw his arms around me “I want to read them¨  

“Sure, I’ll go ge-”

Sasuke pushed his lips on mine, and pushed me down on the couch.His tongue dancing with mine, a smile on his face. It made my insides melt.. sasuke was smiling. He really was. I was warm. My whole body was.  I loved him.

“Later.. I have a lifetime to read those letters”

I grinned “You also have a lifetime to make love to me”

“True, but well.. priorities”  

True. Very true. It was what I wanted too.  I wanted to stumble to the bedroom with him. Kiss each other against a wall of in the door opening.

I wanted to lay him down softly, instead of push him onto a bed or table, for once. And so I did. I laid him down softly and helped him undress. While kissing his light skin until you saw red spots. Sometimes I kissed it softly, a ticklish touch. Or I’d just let my lips slide over his body. Over that that was mine and mine only. I had gotten hard from just touching him a little. A unfamiliar touch after being with old monks for such a long time. Yet it had me good. It had me hard.

I liked and kissed sasuke’s. Softly and calmly. He breathed heavily deeply. Breathing in went in shocks as I softly bit his hip.  

Sasuke took lube and handed it to me. My sign. My OK sign.  

For one of the first times in what seemed like forever I kept my face close to his when touching him in such a way. Even when preparing we were close to each other, our breaths hitting each other, breathing each others breath in again.   Intensely close.  

“Everyday”   I whispered.

He moaned in return. Probably having no idea what I was talking about.  I sucked his neck and stayed still in front of his entrance. I wondered if our bodies still fitted together. I wondered if we could have sex when it was this lovingly .. had we even done it before?  I guess not. Never were we really loving each other. Never had I been able to speak what was on my mind. First I was afraid, then I was mad. “Everyday I’ll make love to you, everyday I will love you”

I pushed inside of him. He threw his arms around me. He grunted and his face looked pained. I realized that he hadn’t done it while I was away. He was reserved for me, for me only.   “Yeah.. me too”  Somehow it meant so much more because it sounded like he had to try so hard to get it out of his mouth. Finally letting part - or words- from his heart drip off and letting them fall out for me to catch. He was trusting me. He was trusting me and he had all the right to do so; I was steady now, he could hold on to me.

He could grip me and bite me when I was hurting him and I would be able to take it. I hushed to him and at the same time I made his body mine again.  He was taking it for once. He was not trying to prove he was a man, just like me. He was not trying to fight who was tougher. He moaned for me.  “I love you.. I love you.. I love you”

“Naruto” he whispered in my ear.  It was the most heavy and wonderful feeling I had ever felt.

 

“Dear sasuke”  I was lying next to- or more like around- sasuke and held him close, out naked bodies pushed together. Warm and safe. A day ago I didn’t even dare to wish things would end this well. That Sasuke would forgive me was something I had believed in, but this was even more. He had fully accepted and loved me.  “My bed here is quite hard and it’s way to warm. I’m writing a lot, about my journey, about you, about the monks and about my dreams”   Sasuke looked took a second to peck my hair before going on “The food tastes really bad here in the temple, though they seem to like it. I promise I won’t even whine about your tomatoes again”

“That was a lie”  I whispered and he hit my head, chuckling and mumbling a sweet 'idiot'

“Shut up, anyway.. uhm..  Tomorrow I will buy some fruit at the market and see what the village holds for me”  He kept quiet for a bit. Swallowed. “I miss you. Love Naruto”

“All of these are the same so you don’t have to read them all actually”

“One” sasuke frowned “I’ll read one of these a day”

“fine, if you want that”

“And-”  He looked down at me, then up again, a blush creeping on his face “I missed you too. Too much”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I'll release one extra chapter for fun but this is basically the end I guess??
> 
> Tell me what you think! Thanks for the kudos, much love, Chiyo Kintou <3

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you like it *Fufufufu*  
> Don't forget to leave a comment of your kudos if you like it ^^  
> I love you guys  
> thank you for reading (:  
> (Check out my other stories maybe? if you're bored?)


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